Dumb Pig head comment

[stupidpighead]

The story says it all:

Ill try to keep it short but odds are I wont.

Essentially I have been talking to this girl for around a month. We have shared intimate details, believe in a lot of the same things about relationships (there purpose, views on cheating & sex, and so on and so forth). Well basically everything had been going great until she came down for the weekend.

It all started out with this creep that was a friend of a friend hitting on her. I personally wasn't happy about it but took a deep breath and tried to calm down. We eventually left, went back and had a great night together, kissed everything and got along quite well.

When we woke up the next morning I was lying next to her (there was a friend of mine passed out on the couch about 10 feet away) and I just made some half ass obnoxious comment along the lines of "what does a guy gotta do to get laid". Often times I have a weird sense of humor and in no way meant this to be insulting, deragatory or tried to belittle her. I highly respect her and we have discussed numerous times that we are waiting to have sex until the right perfect moment (if that even happens) and sometimes we get a little frisky, but all in all I have maintained an overall gentlemanly approach to it. I fully respect her body, and her wishes, and I pretty mch think we weren't ready for that anyway.

We spend the next day together and everything is going great (at least in my eyes).... but all of a sudden after we are apart she just goes ice cold on me and said that comment destroyed our trust. I fully take responsiblity for making a stupid pig headed remark, and conveyed to her in every way possible that I am beyond sorry and wish I could take it back. In all honesty I didn't even mean it, it just was a stupid comment.

But its just like I am trying to make it up to her and let her know how much i appreciate and respect her, and basically told her that I feel this is a mistake and I want a chance to build her trust back.

I will not go in to the exact messages we were sending each other but basically she was speaking in non complete absolutes: Aka- I feel that I have lost my trust in you as opposed to "I have lost all trust in you".

Anyway..... I have said my piece to her and just feel so bad about it all. Not for my sake but just the fact that I hurt her and I think she was excited as I was about where this could be going.

I guess my questions are

Is all pretty much lost? (and please feel free to berate how stupid my comment was I need to hear it)

and also-

Should I give her space and hope she cools down a bit? (this is what I am leaning towards, maybe follow up in a few days to a week and just try to get her to have a real conversation with me).

I honestly think I hurt her more than anything and I am absolutely crazy about her, and know I can be a selfless loving compassionaite man she wants.

[bulrush]

You said you were sorry to her. If she won't accept your apology, then she's an a*shole.

[surfhb]

You made a douche bag comment. She can either accept your apology or not.......give her space

[HeartIsAching]

I just made some half ass obnoxious comment along the lines of "what does a guy gotta do to get laid".

This was plain and simple, passive-aggressive bullshit poorly disguised as humor. She saw that.

in no way meant this to be insulting, deragatory or tried to belittle her. I highly respect her

This I do not believe. If you really want to "fix" this, acknowlege your mistake, and tell her that you're going to go attend some domestic violence classes, then DO IT. Before you go off all half-cocked, violence takes many forms, and most of them aren't physical.

[Cerby]

That comment gave insight as to your true intentions, everything else now appears as an act to get laid. I don't think you can recover from this, she believes you've shown your spots and thats all you're in for.

[bloodtippedrose]

Wow you blew it.
If I was having a great time with a guy and he said something like that when we were laying by each other then I would definitely take that as you're just humoring me with harmless flirting and things i want to hear until you can finally get into my pants. Humorous? With how many guys that are like that, how many we have to deal with when we're hunting for TRUE relationships, we find NO humor in a guy we like joking basically about "faking" a relationship to obtain sex. Glad you realized how STUPID it was for you to say that. Next time keep it in your head.

I agree with HeartIsAching's opinion, but I don't think attending domestic violence classes would solve the issue, it would scare me off even more, like you have MAJOR issues that I don't want to get into. The only thing you can do is tell her that you aren't like that (which is why the joke was funny to you) and that you want to hang out with her because you guys have a great connection and shes really fun and genuine, and that you'd never push the issue of sex and in fact didn't want it this early because you would hate to screw up/complicate what you have with her. Let her know that if she wants to talk or hang out you'll be there for her. THEN leave her alone.

[Gypsybell]

I find it interesting that she apparently spent another whole day with you before indicating that someting was really wrong?? And then not until she had time away from you. How did she react to the comment at the time?
It doesn't seem to me that that is the only issue. Is it just part of the problem or maybe the icing on the cake? I'm wondering how much is related to the way you reacted to the other bloke 'hitting on her'? Posessive jeolousy coupled with a sexist crack about missing out would compound matters and what else happened over the day? Did you hound her to 'forgive you' or just give her breathing space to digest your imperfections? Are you a bully boy and don't even realize it? Intense types often don't.

I think you've done your dash. It sounds like she may have been too intimidated to say anything until she was safely away from you. Do you have a good female friend who knows you well? Ask her opinion. Its too easy to whitewash the facts to strangers. Have you lost girlfriends over jealousy before? A girl can usually tell when a guy is 'just joking', but those sort of remarks don't belong in a brand new relationship so you were showing some arrogance no matter how you meant it. The words came from you. and not the least of your sins is heavy petting in the presense of another bloke, not very respectful. The very least you need to do is nothing further to hound this girl if she has made a decision not to persue a relationship with you. Then see about the abuse counselling.

[stupidpighead]

Ok I couldn't figure out how to reload my password so it has taken me awhile to respond.

Anyway.....

I hadn't read the responses on here until today after the matter has passed a bit but I think there may be a little misunderstanding.

#1- I fully recognize how terrible what I said was. I did not mean to hurt her, and no I wasn't passively trying to get her to do stuff with me. That was not how i would ever have wanted that to go down with her, and in reality I didn't even have any condoms with me or think about buying any before we met up. I was a bit cranky from being hungover, and made a stupid tongue and cheek remark. I wasn't passively trying to do anything, in all honesty I was so hung over that the act of sex probably would have made me vomit anyway.

#2- I think maybe I am just clueless or something but I see a bit of an overreaction I suppose. I made 1 comment but the rest of the time we spent together was great, pressure free, and fun.

#3- There may be a bit more to some of her reasoning, but it just dumfounded me. The whole issue with the "jealousy" and other guy would have been completely ridiculous. I didn't state it properly in my original post but the guy that I had the issue with was HER friend, and she admitted he was crossing the line as he got upset started staring me down and basically trying to provoke me. I made the decision to walk away from the matter, was polite about it, and didn't create any kind of scene. It still did kind of hang over the weekend though.

#4- I would never anonomsly post on a website looking for advice and then lie about what happened. What would be the point of asking a question??? i wanted a real answer, and ya I am 99.9 % positive i completely blew it.

anyway- I essentially indirectly followed a lot of this advice up. I didn't call her text her or any of that. But I did send her a small package with an inexpensive gift and a short letter explaining there was no excuse for what I did, I still look at her fondly, and if I have to deal with the consequences of my actions I will accept that. I made no excuses for anything that happened, said the gift was only meant to apologize and I didn't expect to be forgiven (which I didn't). I also apologized for not acknowledging how stupid my comment was at the time. (I did originally apologize when it happened because I could see it pissed her off, just how much I didn't realize until she decided to end things). I didnt once ask for forgivness and said hopefully this would be enough for us to at least talk about it. I also mentioned that it probably really sucks to think she found a guy that she is in to only for him to completely let her down with such insensitivity and I can see why she thinks I am just another asshole.

Anyway.... I dont think I need sensitivity courses, or abuse courses no would I ever consider any of this a matter of abuse. If i had meant it in a dark way, then yes you are right I would be a total slime ball POS. However..... I can be rough around the edges, sometimes act without thinking, and have at times in my life chosen words rather improperly, or just all in all said some stupid shit that I shouldn't have.

To the poster that said something about arrogance: I would have to agree... and totally see that is a completely arrogant comment.


For what its worth: thanks for the replies, I realize I blew it, and I guess in the future I will have to learn to shut my mouth. If I had not cared about her or meant anything I said to her before that I wouldn't have gone through a sharade (posting and asking all my female friends what I should do etc), I wouldn't have put myself through anguish over this, and I frankly would have moved on. Sex honestly isn't that hard to find, and thats why I got burned about this.... I thought I had a real connection but the reality is its my fault it got screwed up, ill live with it and have to move on. At the same token i pretty much understand how this could be conceived as everything I said to her before the comment losing credibility. I made my bed now ill lay in it.

[stupidpighead]

and I also-

To be honest.... there were some issues I had with her and she was the one who pursued me originally. Essentially I knew her for awhile through friends, we reconnected on her birthday and she made a big point to meet up with me. Well we will just say she is a little tipsy and basically that Night i saw her make out with 2 guys right in front of me. The next weekend, she was texting me etc, and I decided fine ill give her another chance and all of a sudden i get radio silence. At that point I was done with her, deleted all contact information and said so be it.

Well I get a text 2 days later to come meet up etc.... and i said to myself "hmm I will give it 10 minutes and if I am not having fun I will leave". I guess the point is that these types of things also usually break a new relationship or whatever you want to call what we had. After we finally had a nice quiet night together and started hanging out is when everything started getting a lot more serious and she was the initiatior of it.

Part of me almost thinks she just tried to rope me in, and found the first excuse to end it after she had buffed her ego. There are a lot of dynamics to the situation.

[bloodtippedrose]

She could just be one of those types that seek constant attention from guys. Who knows. For her to not talk to you after you sincerely apologized, just seems messed up. I think it was better you found this out before you wasted more time on her. In any case don't change who you are, if you have a certain sense of humor don't hide it, you'll find a chick that will be alot more compatible with you. You did all you could and a little more to gain the favor back of this chick and shes blowing you off. One pompous remark is no reason to never want to spend time with you again, she has some sort of other agenda in mind. What a bitch.