Boyfriend problems

[helmet]

My boyfriend was showing me something when he received a message from a girl I don't know, the message came across as flirtacious to me and I wasn't sure if they were friends or if she was a random, but I trusted him to do the right thing whether I had taken it the wrong way or not. I knew he would become defensive about it if I had brought up my concern then, the concern was obvious to him and he assumed I was mad at him but I reassured him I wasn't mad at him and that it was something petty he shouldnt worry about and that I'll sort it out. He kept bringing it up since then and he's acted distant so I told him, his immediate reaction was to become defensive about her and that I was simply jealous and that he felt sorry for me that I didn't understand what it means to have a closeness with friends. I told him I trust him, I wasn't at all mad at him and that I was concerned that she was a random that was flirting with him and that I simply felt protective of him, hence why concern was seen on my face. We've had similar problems in the past and they've all ended in unnecessary fights like this. I'm upset by what he said about me not sharing a closeness with my friends, and that he metaphorically, closed the door on the situation without resolving it. I'm not sure what to do now

[MerryH]

So you saw the message come in and then you did that thing where you get all quiet and huffy and when he asked you if you were mad at him, you were all, "No. I'm not mad. Don't worry about it." And he knows that's bullshit because you are clearly mad about something. Don't do that. If something bothers you, either communicate it right away, or if it's not worth bringing up, then forget about it completely. Don't do this passive-aggressive "show obvious concern" thing and then pretend there's nothing wrong.

Also, you do not trust him as much as you think you do. If you trusted him completely, you would not be concerned about a girl possibly flirting with him. For example, my boyfriend is a hot piece of ass and so naturally, girls flirt with him on occasion. Do I care? No, why should I? I trust that he wouldn't **** around with those skank bartendresses. So basically what I'm saying is that my boyfriend is awesome, and so am I. How this should help you, I'm not sure. Just putting that out there.

But yeah, that comment about you not having any close friends was below the belt. Talk to him about it. No more passive-aggression.

[bulrush]

This is what I see as the problem.

I'm upset by what he said about me not sharing a closeness with my friends, and that he metaphorically, closed the door on the situation without resolving it.

You are upset by him telling you his feelings? No wonder guys don't want to share their feelings with girls, or at least girlfriends. Let it go. You have no right to be upset with him telling you that. Some people have a closer relationship with friends, where they flirt, and nothing ever happens. Maybe he wants to flirt more with you but he doesn't feel comfortable, because you get upset by trivial things (see above).

If you want to resolve it, don't be upset by trivial things, and talk to him about it. Encourage him to talk by NOT getting angry, and by being approachable, for months on end. You may have a reputation of being unapproachable about some things, in his eyes. You both need to work to change that and it can take weeks or months to change. If you have anger or insecurity issues you cannot manage, a therapist might be able to help you.

Me and my gf have great communication skills. Whenever something bothers us, we talk about it right away, without blaming or fighting. So we have developed a lot of trust. So if she flirted with a guy, or a guy flirted with her, I would just think it's funny, because she is very particular about which guys she likes.

[Wakeup]

You don't trust him, he does NOTHING to alleviate your anxiety, when you DO tell him what's eating at you he immediately turns it around on you to make you look like you're in the wrong while he has private flirty chats with women "friends" that you've never met .. and .. you've had similar problems in the past which means neither of you know about conflict resolution. Think hard whether or not you want to be with this man. Men who flirt with other women and then tell you they feel sorry for you because you don't know about "friendships" to me, are sketchy and make poor life mates in general, particularily if you're not cool with them flirting and can't just be easy ~ peasy about it or have your own male friends that you can flirt with and get your validation from (like he does with his private female friends that you've never met).