Is it normal that I am mad?

[MynameisJesus]

My cousin (I'll call her Marilyn) has been in a relationship with a guy named Bob for 5 years. Bob is already accepted as a valuable family member of ours. We've been on holidays together many times and he is a genuine person.
Both are in their late 20s and were going to live together. They had bought a piece of ground and have hired architects for the foundations of their house.

3 weeks ago, it turned out that my cousin was cheating on Bob consistently.
For more than one year already, she had been sleeping with Bobs close friend Brian.
Brian is a married man and has 2 kids.

Our family could not believe it, but it's true. My cousin had not confessed, but it came to the surface via friends of Brian.
Bob was devastated and so were we. I thought my cousin was a genuine person and I could not believe she was capable of doing this.
We ran into Marilyn at a party and she acted as if nothing had happened. No regrets or sorrow, she was joking and laughing and having beers with girl friends.

My sister couldn't understand either. Had nightmares about it. She went to my cousin for an explanation and Marilyn said " I just did not have the balls to tell Bob that I was no longer in love "
Regardless of this, she was still planning to build a house with Bob until all this came to the surface.
When it did, she suddenly chose for Brian. But Brian said he could not continue with this and dumped my cousin Marilyn.

My sister seems to be oke with this explanation but I am not. I was having a beer with my friends yesterday and ran into Bob in the bar. I said to him that I could not understand how my cousin was capable of this, and that I regret it and find Bob a great guy. Bob said that she had looked him in the eye many times the last months, and told him she loved him.

I am completely done with my cousin. I find her a liar, a manipulator and a cheap slut.
Am I overreacting? I can understand that her attraction towards Bob has faded away, but I can not accept that she has been doing this for one year. And that she was able to sleep with Bob during all this cheating without being devastated about it and telling him about the cheating. She has no moral sense in my opinion and I am completely done with her

Next week we were planning to go on a family weekend and it would be the first time for me to hang out with Marilyn since we found out. I am planning not to go because I am furious about Marilyn and it would ruin the whole weekend.
My parents and sister say I am overreacting and I should keep out of this.

Thoughts?

[malteser]

I think you should keep out of it. I think it's normal to feel how you do because of the way she has acted and the fact that you are close to Bob but it's her business and I don't think you should let it ruin the family weekend.

[MynameisJesus]

I think you should keep out of it. I think it's normal to feel how you do because of the way she has acted and the fact that you are close to Bob but it's her business and I don't think you should let it ruin the family weekend.

That summarizes what everybody says.
I do not have the right to make her decisions. But it really does affect me and many people wonder why.
I'm not going to step up to her and get in a fight about this. But I don't want to get personally involved with her any longer and I no longer care about her. She doesn't automatically earn my respect and my friendship because we share the same last name.

The family weekends are always full of games and activities and I can't avoid her.
I do not want to ruin the whole weekend but I can't pretend I'm okay with all this either.

[alicehardt]

I have a strong belief that the way you initially react to something is always the right way. No reason in trying to question your own response.
What she did was awful and it's completely understandable that you are angry about it. I don't see it as an overreaction.

I'm sure there is a way to enjoy the weekend without speaking to her. You could also have a heart to heart with her and tell her how disappointed and angry you are. This may help you guys, it may not.

[MynameisJesus]

You could also have a heart to heart with her and tell her how disappointed and angry you are. This may help you guys, it may not.

I wonder what that conversation would be like. What questions I'd have to ask that would make myself understand.

" Is it true that you slept with Brian while you were with Bob? "
" Is it true that you did it consistently and not just once or twice?"
" Didn't it bother you that Brian has a wife and kids? "
" Was it hard for you to keep living with this lie? "
" Were you planning to tell Bob if we hadn't found out? "
" Do you regret what you did? "

I can't think of one answer that would make me understand.
A lot of people call me a freak for being worried and mad about stuff I'm not involved in.
I guess I am just different. I will never trust her again and I hope she will be dumped in the exact same way in the future

[Wakeup]

I think is normal what you're feeling. Most people feel at least a slight pinch of indignation when they hear of or see a friend or family member cross what we have as our own personal boundaries and sense of what is right or good. However; by not going where she will be you are cutting off your own nose to spite your face. You don't get to enjoy what you've always enjoyed while she continues on in the status quo. As such, I think you'd do better for yourself if you went to the family function and let her know how you feel while keeping in mind that once you tell her, she'll likely never speak to you again. People who do these kinds of things and get called out on them usually don't care much what you (the general you) think. They don't have much of a guilty concscience either. Don't forget, they are selfish and they only think about themselves.

Perhaps you could go and just completely ignore her. Possible?

If you do talk to her I wouldn't ask any questions, I just tell her that you heard what she did to Bob and that you think it was a dispicible thing. Then walk away.

[MynameisJesus]

I think is normal what you're feeling. Most people feel at least a slight pinch of indignation when they hear of or see a friend or family member cross what we have as our own personal boundaries and sense of what is right or good. However; by not going where she will be you are cutting off your own nose to spite your face. You don't get to enjoy what you've always enjoyed while she continues on in the status quo. As such, I think you'd do better for yourself if you went to the family function and let her know how you feel while keeping in mind that once you tell her, she'll likely never speak to you again. People who do these kinds of things and get called out on them usually don't care much what you (the general you) think. They don't have much of a guilty concscience either. Don't forget, they are selfish and they only think about themselves.

Perhaps you could go and just completely ignore her. Possible?

If you do talk to her I wouldn't ask any questions, I just tell her that you heard what she did to Bob and that you think it was a dispicible thing. Then walk away.

This whole affair came to the surface exactly one month ago.
Brians friends had found out that she was in his bed in his house. But we didn't know it at the time.
One day later my grandfather turned 80 years old and we had a family party. Marilyn was laughing and joking more than she usually does. I went out clubbing 2 days later and ran into her. She sought a lot more contact with me than she normally does.
Meanwhile I had found out but was unsure of the circumstances. I thought it only happened once and gave her the advantage of my doubts. I always believed she was genuine.

It is very clear to me that she sought so much contact because she was losing a lot of friends and wanted to know where she was at with me and my sister. She never talked about it but assumed we knew.
I really regret that I have not talked to her about this.
On the other hand our family is pretty close and if I get involved it would ruin everything.
I think ignoring her is the best option.
I would feel better about myself for stepping up to her and letting her know how I feel about her but that would get me in trouble with other family members. Even my parents and sister are mad because of my reaction to this.

[MerryH]

You're really taking this very personally, and you don't have any right to. You aren't owed any explanations and you have no business "stepping up to her." Whatever happened was not about you. You have absolutely nothing to do with it. You should stop acting like you were a part of their relationship and that she somehow wronged you personally.

You can think what she did was bad, you can dislike her all you want, and you can decide that you don't want to be friends with people like her. And, good news, you don't have to be her friend. You just have to tolerate her at family events, just like you tolerate your idiot, right-wing, conspiracy theorist Aunt Nancy or your old-fashioned, somewhat racist grandmother, or whatever. That's what families do. You don't just shun someone for making a mistake that didn't involve you in any way.

[IndiReloaded]

I am completely done with my cousin. I find her a liar, a manipulator and a cheap slut.
Am I overreacting? I can understand that her attraction towards Bob has faded away, but I can not accept that she has been doing this for one year. And that she was able to sleep with Bob during all this cheating without being devastated about it and telling him about the cheating. She has no moral sense in my opinion and I am completely done with her.

Its normal to be disappointed with her. But you really don't know anything about their relationship. I'm not advocating cheating, but IMO these things don't happen in a vacuum.

It easier to judge others instead of working on one's own issues. Some people secretly love the drama of dragging someone thru the muck. Let s/he who is without sin...

[bulrush]

I think it's normal for you to be mad, but you should stay out of this.

I also think Marilyn wants the house built, so she can divorce Bob and get the house, and half the equity. This exact same thing happened once in my neighborhood. For Marilyn, it's all about money. I would be more mad that she is a lying gold digger, more than she wants to pork other men.

If one wants other lovers, at least they could be honest about it. But I don't think Marilyn could be honest.

[MynameisJesus]

You're really taking this very personally, and you don't have any right to. You aren't owed any explanations and you have no business "stepping up to her." Whatever happened was not about you. You have absolutely nothing to do with it. You should stop acting like you were a part of their relationship and that she somehow wronged you personally.

You can think what she did was bad, you can dislike her all you want, and you can decide that you don't want to be friends with people like her. And, good news, you don't have to be her friend. You just have to tolerate her at family events, just like you tolerate your idiot, right-wing, conspiracy theorist Aunt Nancy or your old-fashioned, somewhat racist grandmother, or whatever. That's what families do. You don't just shun someone for making a mistake that didn't involve you in any way.

I'll do it that way. I don't want the whole family against me.
I also think it's wise to keep my mouth shut about the subject because I know they all have their excuses and explanations for what she did.
It is not the first time that I am personally affected by something I'm not involved in.

One of my 5 friends used to have severe drug problems. When we were drunk at some party he told me he still does drugs out of town when none of our friends are around.
Given the fact that he beats up his brother with a bottle of wine I found this very worrying and I investigated all this via someone else. To see if he needed help or not.
He found out and got extremely mad for me interfering with his private life. All my friends agreed.
If friends and family mess up and it is "none of my business", I wonder what actually is my business. Just myself I guess

One thing I have learned from this is that there is nobody on this planet I'll ever interfere with.
Family members are nothing more than random people with the same last name and friends are only friends to some extent that you figure out when you get in tough times with them.

[steviej]

Poor bob. Invite him to the family get together, see the look on your cousins face, lol

[Gypsybell]

Poor bob. Invite him to the family get together, see the look on your cousins face, lol

Go one better and set Bob up with a hot date for the family event! If you avoid your family because of her you are punnishing everyone but her. Just have your say if the opportunity arises and get over it. (and do help Bob get over it)

[MynameisJesus]

Go one better and set Bob up with a hot date for the family event! If you avoid your family because of her you are punnishing everyone but her. Just have your say if the opportunity arises and get over it. (and do help Bob get over it)

When I ran into Bob at the bar, I explained him how low I found it and that she is now a nobody to me.
I bought him beers and tried to make him feel comfortable. Because after all those years this situation makes things awkward.
I'm sure Bob also feels bad about losing contact with all the family members.

My sister went to Marilyn for an explanation and seems to accept it for whatever retarded reason only females seem to understand.
She also ran into Bob but ignored him. Which is exactly the reaction I was afraid of and the whole family seems to do this. Because it's all awkward now so let's avoid Bob. F^ck that

Just the fact that Marilyn shares our last name seems enough to justify all this, and regardless of who is right or wrong the family choses her side.
Well I don't. I won't get involved in discussions about it with the family but I don't think I'm out of line if I decide to have a lot of beers with Bob in the future.
After all I feel a lot of sympathy for him and it's not because he's not with my bimbo cousin any longer that I can't talk to him

[IndiReloaded]

My sister went to Marilyn for an explanation and seems to accept it for whatever retarded reason only females seem to understand.

Do you know her explanation? You would judge something as retarded without knowing anything about what you have judged? That is stupid behaviour, frankly, and the actions of someone who is looking for a reason to hate on someone else. Are you one of those reactive sorts, who judges first and asks questions later?

I'm not advocating sticking your nose into your family's business. I am one of those 'I don't really want to know' people. But, I recognize there is always 2 sides to a story, with the truth usually someplace in the middle. Things like cheating almost never happen in a vacuum.

Like I said, you can't know what went on in their relationship. For all you know, mbe Bob cheated first and M sucked it up for a long time. Not everyone hangs their dirty laundry out for all to see.

Try to be less judgemental in your family dealings. People will like you better for it. Good luck.