Connecting Issues

[throzen]

Hi there. I'm new to the forum and looking for a few bits of advice. Thanks in advance for reading and any help you can provide, it's hugely appreciated.

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. I'm currently seeing a girl, and by 'seeing' I mean we've been dating for around 6 weeks now, and by 'dating' I mean we go out every so often but most of the time we sit in her house, chilling, watching TV, playing games, chatting, sometimes drinking etc. It's a rather unconventional approach to a relationship, but the reasons why I will now clarify.

She's very uncomfortable with letting herself be vulnerable. She's 20, and between the ages of 11 to 15, she was physically abused and molested several times by different people. Needless to say, she's very careful (especially physically) and doesn't let her guard down, which is why she wishes to take things slowly, and I respect that to the ends of the Earth.

The only problem I'm having is continuing the connection we made to begin with that brought us together. I met her through Facebook, we spoke a lot, met up and things got better from there. I'm happy to wait until she's ready for a relationship, but I'm struggling to remind her why she liked me to begin with.

Her idea of quality time is what I said before - sitting around, relaxing, doing things we both enjoy etc. She loves going out and she loves drinking though, two things I haven't been fond of throughout my teenage-hood (I'm now 22), but I'm coming around to it more as I step further into our stint together.

The crux of the matter is that she loves witty, funny, interesting people with fresh things to say, talk about etc, and this is my problem - I never really have anything to talk about. This could be because we get a lot of our conversation out in texting before meeting or because I always find myself sitting near her trying desperately to think of topics of conversation and failing so badly. So I come across as a mute, and nobody likes an antisocial mute!

We were talking about 'us' the other day via texting, and she scarcely lets her real thoughts be known, as it makes her uncomfortable. During this conversation, though, she told me how she felt, as I needed to know (she's a closed book otherwise, it's hard to progress without knowing how she feels). She told me she likes me, a lot, because I'm interested in going out with 'her', not just for her body, which she's never experienced before.

A previous weekend I went a bit wild with her and her friend at her house, was very sociable, joined in with the conversations more than I do normally and she said she wanted to "jump on me" in love because I was like that. I was everything she wanted on that particular evening and I want to be able to be like that every evening I'm with her, because she admitted she sometimes struggles to connect with me when I'm 'less fun', shall we put it.

So, can anyone give some advice? It's hard for me to come up with fresh ways of being a fun-loving person. I want to be that person and I want to show her who I really am - not this boring slab of meat sat in her armchair. I'm desperate, frankly; she likes me for the things I do for her, the love and care I show, but I don't want her to lose interest in me because I struggle to be 'her type'.

Any help would be nice, thanks for reading.

[battlingpig]

reminds me of how i felt at the start of my relationship, but i was 'fun-loving' right from the start, and for some reasons i cant put my finger on, my personality declined and didn't have very much to talk about. Actually.. I think I do know why it declined, it could be because I fought to stay the same person, excitable, quick, relaxed, instead of going with the flow. Worry leads into more worry, and then leads into a numb sensation of who you are.
My advice.. smile, be free, be careless, but be you. You know who you are, so stop trying to find it and just let it pour out.
I wish somebody gave me this advice. Goodluck

[throzen]

Hi battlingpig. I do try to go with the flow, though often if I come across as dull she then starts to behave dull. She did say that when I'm not lively and upbeat she thinks that's my attitude towards our relationship. When I'm with my friends and at work I'm very lively, cheery and mildly wild. It's just with her, because of pressure to keep things fresh, I often find myself quiet. I hate it, because I know I can be my usual somewhat eccentric self, just struggle in her company. It's not her, it's me. Thanks for your advice though.

[battlingpig]

it doesn't matter if you're eccentric for a while and docile for other times. Nothing is always the same as it was before. If you both seem to have calmed down, why make it an issue, its just changing into a different feeling of the evening. Maybe this is the time to get closer with each other and smooch? allow yourself to evolve with her. And also, if you ask about her perception of you.. dont. Never ask ''do you think im being boring when im not talking to you much'' or anything like that, because as soon as you make this point, she will be aware of it even more so. so don't do that.. anxiety is good at the beginning of relationships, you both should realise you are both feeling the same anxieties. this is what makes the connection.

[throzen]

Well to answer a few of your points, firstly about getting closer, as I said in my first post she isn't partial to physical activity due to her past, and I respect that. We do hug for a while and kiss properly when I see her off, but other than that we don't get close that often, only when she wants to. Regarding the perception thing, the only reason I asked what she thought of us was because our relationship was in trouble (her fault, I don't go into details) and she was explaining why she wanted to be with me. I agree with the "different feeling of the evening thing, time to get closer" part, because as I said before, she was ready to pounce on me that one weekend a few weeks back because of my upbeat behaviour.

For the time being I'm going to keep going with the flow as you advised. I know she wouldn't cast me aside if I come across as boring occasionally because she knows I'm fully capable of being a nutter when I want. Plus she knows what she's getting into - a relationship with a guy who wants her genuinely and for her personality, not her body. Still, I hope things pick up soon. Thanks for your help.

[bulrush]

Girls like it when guys are sociable. So, try to be more sociable. Some people just need to practice it more.

If you like drinking games, learn some and play them. If you like typical "bar games", like blackjack, poker, learn those and play them. Try darts. My family used to play Pictionary while we drank, and it was a lot of fun. We came up with all kinds of weird pictures. Most games are more fun if you drink. It's not about winning, it's just about having fun.

So one day my girlfriend and I were at a bar. They had a dart game. Since I had played before I decided to play a game with another friend we met there. I won that game and a stranger approached. He and I played 3 more games and I won 2 of them, surprising myself. Well, my gf said she just loved me playing darts. I have no idea why. But when we got home she jumped my bones. I suspect there was some detail of me that just intrigued her, like how I thew a dart, or something. We are quite close and women tend to like to know little details about their man. It's what makes the man unique.

[Wakeup]

My first question is why are you with someone who doesn't like you for who you are?
My second question is what do you do that's interesting when you're not with her?

To be an interesting person, one has to have hobbies and interests and be members of groups or into sports and actually have a fullfilling life that they can share and talk about with their SO. You also would likely be more to her "liking" if you were well read and could discuss current and past events and be able to have "the meaning of life" kind of discussions. She wants a confident, take charge kinda guy by the sounds of things.

Do you know if she had any therapy to help her to process and get past what happened to her as a child? I'll suggest that you look after yourself and your own emotional health while you work on yourself to be more of who you think she wants you to be. Do you know anything about her relationship history?

[throzen]

My first question is why are you with someone who doesn't like you for who you are?
My second question is what do you do that's interesting when you're not with her?

To answer your first question, she does like me for who I am. She loves that I'm caring and decent and doesn't muck her around. She loves that I'm supportive and will help her when she needs it most. She's just looking for a bit more of a wild side, which I have as I said before - I demonstrate such behaviour around other people at work and among friends. It's just I struggle to be wild around her because of the fact that we aren't ever really doing anything exciting (as I said, just sitting in her house a lot and she likes staying in a lot) or anything that sparks new conversation.

Secondly, I have a number of hobbies - I'm a journalist with side interests including graphic and web design, video gaming, a history of playing music etc. Sadly not many of these she can relate to.

This raises another problem I face - motivating her to do anything. Like I said, her idea of a comforting evening is having each other's company, so poking her into doing something more thrilling is a chore, sometimes a fruitless mission.

Her hobbies include listening to music a lot, mostly drum 'n' bass, archaeology and landmarks/monuments, playing video games on her PS1 (since she can't afford anything else), socialising over lots of drinks etc. She doesn't exercise many of these hobbies that often, especially the more unique ones like archaeology, as she's house-bound mostly due to unemployment and lack of motivation to do anything vigorous.

Do you know if she had any therapy to help her to process and get past what happened to her as a child? I'll suggest that you look after yourself and your own emotional health while you work on yourself to be more of who you think she wants you to be. Do you know anything about her relationship history?

I believe she had counselling regarding her physical abuse, but it was ultimately unsuccessful. Her relationship history is pretty vivid - only one serious boyfriend (her last and the only one to treat her properly), a few insignificant relationships in high school, that's about it.

One of the main factors of my problem is something I mentioned in my opening post about texting. We get all of our conversations for the day out of the way before even meeting (should we meet that given day), so then I really am stumped for further conversation in person. I need to learn to tame my temptation to text her, and only do so if she wishes to initiate conversation.

bulrush: I think I covered your suggestions with my 'lack of motivation' problem with my girl. I would love to get her out and do such activities as you suggested, but it's a damn chore. She's a bit of a dead donkey in this respect, and is more than happy to laze around with mates or me (or both) and pass the time. She doesn't like to go out much due to being uncomfortable in public. We've been on a few dates to restaurants and she's struggled through, basically. Any ideas how to up her confidence?

Thanks for your messages guys.

[Wakeup]

Well, who am I to tell you that you sound incompatible and it's a good thing you're finding this out now. (if you really look, you'll see for yourself). I know you have, or you're certainly developing feelings for her but do you really want to spend more time just sitting around on her couch thinking of ways to entertain this girl? if you do, then I suggest that you try to introduce her to one thing at a time until she's used to it and feels "safe" in doing. What do I know, but it sounds like she suffers from social anxiety and that she could use a bit more professional help whereas you're quite rounded and a go getter. *shrugs*

[throzen]

You are absolutely correct Wakeup. I am fully aware that we aren't exactly a brilliant match on paper. I agree that looking into a future of sitting around being a rubbish entertainer monkey isn't the most appealing relationship I could've hoped for. I'm not blind to this and you are spot on. But I really like this girl, a lot - we get on really well, we don't harm one another in any way, and she makes me feel good. I spent years trying to show girls that I'm just a decent, caring, fun person looking for a girl to spoil and show love to, and many girls just wouldn't see it. Whereas this girl realises me for who I am and that, to me, is an accomplishment.

When we've progressed further I will attempt to introduce her to social scenes that she may not be confident enough to get stuck into right now, it's just a case of reaching that point without losing a grip on things.

[Wakeup]

... best of luck to you sir ...

[battlingpig]

I think she is a very confident socialite.. you have come from a less social background. Therefor you are concerned about her perception of you, you think she thinks you are a lesser person because of it, you feel powerless and have lost a 'sense'-of-'status' in the relationship.



True?

What ever you're answer is.. She does not care for your 'negatives' but is drawn to your 'positives'.

[throzen]

I think she is a very confident socialite.. you have come from a less social background. Therefor you are concerned about her perception of you, you think she thinks you are a lesser person because of it, you feel powerless and have lost a 'sense'-of-'status' in the relationship.

True?

What ever you're answer is.. She does not care for your 'negatives' but is drawn to your 'positives'.

You are utterly spot on and pretty much summed up the whole thing. She's confident with socialising, but not letting herself get too knee-deep. She's identified my good points as a boyfriend but also realises that as a social person I need practice. I do think that she thinks I'm slightly lesser because I can't match the expectations that I see from her, expectations that may or may not be true. And I agree that she is staying because of the positives she's seen and isn't put off by the negatives.

You are very good, very. This really helps.

[bulrush]

So, your gf likes to be social, but has trouble getting started and getting out of the house? So when you both are out, you have trouble with being social and small talk? Did I understand that right?

You might have to get one of her friends to go to a bar, and tell her that her friend will be there. Then drag her butt out there. Once there, do you think she will warm up and have some fun?

Or instead of going out, throw a small party at your place or her place. Invite her friends and your friends. Do fun things, like darts, games, drinking, somethere where you talk and interact, not movies.

[throzen]

So, your gf likes to be social, but has trouble getting started and getting out of the house? So when you both are out, you have trouble with being social and small talk? Did I understand that right?

You might have to get one of her friends to go to a bar, and tell her that her friend will be there. Then drag her butt out there. Once there, do you think she will warm up and have some fun?

Or instead of going out, throw a small party at your place or her place. Invite her friends and your friends. Do fun things, like darts, games, drinking, somethere where you talk and interact, not movies.

Yes, as I said previously, she does often lack motivation to get up and go somewhere, but when she gets going she does tend to settle down and enjoy herself, as you figured. And yes, I sometimes have trouble with small talk, though being sociable is pretty easy for me when I haven't exhausted all my conversations already.

When we hang out with her friend(s), she is more lively (the more the merrier as they say). Add in the nervousness of letting herself become vulnerable with a guy she likes, and you have a girl lacking confidence. And when she isn't confident, like anybody, she isn't her real self.

Could do the party thing at hers... although her flat is quite a wreck, not exactly homely!