Need advice badly...please help :(

[runner1980]

Hi everyone,

I'm brand new here and just need to talk/get advice. I'm sorry this is so long, but I want to give as many details about my situation as possible. My fiance and I have been together for over 11 years now and have lived with each other for just as long. We bought our first house of our own almost 4 years ago. We haven't officially gotten married yet and I'm not really sure why, although I definitely want to spend the rest of my life with him. We have actually been talking a lot lately about just getting a marriage license since it's like we've been married all these years anyway, and then having a small celebration/get together with family and good friends. We've even been looking at wedding bands. We are 10 years apart. I just turned 30 and he is 40. I have been with him since I was 18. I love him so, so much and could never imagine myself with anyone else.

Lately, we have been having a lot of financial stressors (had to take on a big new truck payment as our old vehicle was going down the tubes), mortgage payment went up due to a rise in propery taxes this past year, crazy heating oil prices, and things have just been stressful overall in that regard for both of us. For the entire 11.5 years we have been together, whenever we have had a fight/argument, we have always been pretty quick to resolve it and make up. We just love each other so much that we could never stand to stay mad at each other for too long. I know that lately my fiance has been under a lot of stress at work. They keep talking about closing down the state hospital he has worked at for the past 6 years and we don't know how much longer he'll have a job since we don't know if he'll get laid off or not. That has been another added stressor. I work from home full-time and make good money, but we definitely need both of our incomes to make it, so we have been pretty stressed.

Also, my fiance does have type 2 diabetes and it has not been very well managed lately. He just hasn't been taking care of himself the way he needs to. He hasn't been eating right and he has told me that he has been having a lot of trouble sleeping and he doesn't know why. I have even seen him take his insulin without eating or not eating enough. He is a nurse and a paramedic and should know better.

This past Thursday, the day started like any other normal day. He texted me from work and said things were really busy and that he just wanted to say hi and tell me that he loves me. A few hours later, he texted me again and said he loved me like he ways does. (We always tell each other "I love you" multiple times a day.) Then, I just texted him a random comment saying "I wish you had this weekend off" because he has been working a lot of overtime lately and I haven't gotten to spend much time with him and I miss him. Right after that, he responded with "Well, I don't have it off and I'll probably work overtime this weekend." I replied by telling him that I wish he would spend at least a little bit of time with me this weekend because I miss him and am lonely when he's at work. He responded with "Well, get used to it. We need the cash." He then, totally out of the blue, texted me and said "You don't appreciate anything I do." I have no idea where this came from! I appreciate everything he does so much! He does do a lot for us! That night, for the first time ever, he never came home from work. He gets out of work at 11:15 at night. I tried calling him and texting him, but no answer. I kept getting his voice mail when I called. Finally, somewhere around 2 in the morning, he texted me saying that he was out for drinks with some of his coworkers and to "leave him alone" and he'd be home after. Now, let me say that he NEVER, EVER drinks. The entire 11.5 years we have been together, the most I have ever seen him drink is 2 or 3 beers at year AT MOST, and NEVER any hard liquor whatsoever, so this was totally out of character for him. Plus, he had to work the next day (Friday). He finally came home briefly around 8:30 in the next morning and said he was getting his guns and was going target shooting with some friends and told me that he'd be home between 11 and 11:30 in the morning to get ready to go to work. He looked ROUGH. He almost looked a little hungover. I have NEVER seen him like that before. It was like he had a totally blank look on his face and a very flat tone of voice. Well, 11:30 came and went and he never came home. He never called or texted me either. I tried calling him, but got his voice mail. His best friend (also a coworker) then called our house looking for him because he couldn't reach him on his cell either and he had bought a coffee for him because he didn't show up at Starbucks, where they always meet for coffee before they go to work. I told him that I thought he was with him shooting, but he said he hadn't seen him at all in over a day and said that he would try to go find him at work and see what's up. He then called me back about 5-10 minutes later and said that he found him at work and he looked hungover. He didn't ask him any details about the night before. Even his best friend said this is not like him at all.

Well, Friday night after work, he didn't come home AGAIN. He didn't come home Saturday night either. I was worried sick and was crying and almost at the point of throwing up because I was so panicked and worried. I had no clue what was going on with him, where he was, or if he was with anybody. We are never away from each other like this. He has NEVER done anything like this before. He has always come straight home from work the entire 11.5 years we've been together, and if he's going anywhere after work or is going to be late getting home, he always calls me and tells me so I won't worry. I was up again all night panicking and was on the phone with my parents because I was so worried. He finally came home around 5 in the morning on Sunday and went right to bed. (He had to work this past weekend). He then got up around noon to get ready for work. He was getting ready to take a shower and I asked him if he could please get me come coffee out of the pantry. He opened the pantry and some things fell out. He flipped out and said "I CAN'T STAND LIVING IN THIS PIG STY!!!" and literally thew the box of coffee on the floor. I didn't really say anyting because I didn't know why he was being like this. It was so out of character for him. He then took his shower and seemed fine when he got out, even asked me when daylight savings time is this year. Then, I casually reminded him that we needed to put the storm windows up on our sliding glass doors since it's almost winter. This apparently set him off. Then, he shoved everything that was on the kitchen island onto the floor and then picked up the trash can in the kitchen and thew it down and said he hates living like this. Yes, our house is a bit cluttered because we have been so busy working, more clutterd than it should be. I started crying and told him I was sorry and that I would clean up that day. I was totally in shock at how he was acting. He was just in a rage and left for work, wouldn't even hug or kiss me goodbye like he always does. A little while after he left, I called his cell phone in tears and told him that I'm really sorry and I love him so much and that I would work on cleaning up all the clutter. He seemed very irritated.

Then, at 5 p.m. that evening, he texted me and said "I just wanted to say hi and I love you" and that was all I heard from him. I took that as a good sign that he was feeling better and back to his normal self. That night (which was last night) when he got out of work, I called him and asked him if he was on his way home and he said he just had to get gas. I then said "Okay, so I'll see you in just a little bit. I love you." After that, all he said was "yup" in this annoyed tone of voice. He ALWAYS says I love you back. He never came home. He even turned his cell phone off so I couldn't call or text him. It went immediately to voice mail when I called. I was up on the phone with my parents last night again crying because I don't know why he is doing this. He has NEVER done anything even remotely like this before.

This afternoon while he was at work (Monday), I finally texted him and simply said "I love you." He replied with "Why can't you understand that I just can't do this anymore? I have chest pain every day and all this stress is killing me. We are swamped with bills and I'm so tired of always being broke." I then texted him and said that everything will be okay, we can get through this as we always do and told him how much I love him and how worried sick I have been about him. He then said "I need time to get my head on straight and figure out what I need to do. You need to give me that space. I will be home tomorrow morning and we can talk and then I will get some things and go" Other than that coorespondance, he has been ignornig my texts and phone calls. I can't stop crying. We have never gone through anything like this. We have always been best friends. Sure, we've had our fair share of arguments, some quite heated, but we have always been able to resolve them without him taking off and not coming home. He is my best friend and I love him to death. My parents are absolutely outraged at what he is doing to me and says it's emotionally/mentally abusive to leave me here like this and ignore most of my calls and texts and not come home at all. Plus, he has our truck (our only vehicle at the moment), so I'm stuck at home with no transportation. I don't want to lose him. I love him so, so much. We have barely been apart in over a decade. At the same time, I am wondering if his blood sugars are totally out of control from his diabetes, causing him to act out this way.

I'm not religious at all and almost never pray, but I have been praying and praying to God to bring him home to me. I love and miss him so much. Our 3 dogs are so depressed because they don't know where their daddy is and this house is so empty and lonely without him. I don't know if he has continued to drink all these past few nights that he hasn't come home or not. I just have no idea what's going on, where he is, or who he is with (if he is with anyobody). I don't know if it's his out of control diabetes/lack of sleep/alcohol, or just all of his frustrations about our financial stressors and the house being cluttered coming to a head. I'm so upset and confused.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I haven't been able to sleep or eat the entire time he has been gone and I'm a wreck.

[MerryH]

Okay, since this is out of character for him, he's being really weird, but it's your reaction that I find the most strange. He didn't come home for days, and when he finally does, all you do is say, "Remember, darling, we need to put up the storm windows soon," like nothing happened? That would infuriate me, too. Why are you being so passive? You should not be putting up with him throwing tantrums and being rude to you. You should be demanding answers for where he's been spending his nights and why. I know you're blindsided by all this, but stop being a blubbering mess. You've got to deal with this instead of just crying at him and telling him you love him. That's not helping.

If he's having some sort of nervous breakdown, you need to know about it. And he needs to know that he can come to you with his problems and you won't dismiss them by cooing, "It's okay, it'll all be okay, I love you, blah." Help him out. Tell him he needs to sit down with you and discuss things, and promise him that you'll keep it together long enough to have a talk so you can both come up with ideas to make things better. If he's not willing to speak to you about anything, then...I don't know, it's probably over.

[Sirupy Tuna]

I don't blame you for reacting the way you did. It must me hard to wrap your mind around all these changes while trying to figure out what's going on when he isn't really communicating. But Merry is probably right that your reactions so far haven't helped.

You'll have to make it clear to him that what he is doing is affecting you quite seriously. Whatever he is going through isn't just his personal problem, the person he has spent the last decade with is obviously going to care, wonder and worry. You'll also have to tell him that, no, you do not understand. You are not a mind reader, and this is not something you have ever seen from him before. In order for you to understand, he'll have to communicate. Then you'll have to let him know, clearly, that whatever is going on, you are willing to help and support him (assuming that is the case). If what he really needs is space and time, you'll have to give him that. But ask him to explain what exactly is going on, and why he prefers to resolve it on his own. If he isn't capable of doing that at this point, then you should make an agreement to do it later. Also, you need his promise that once he's feeling better he'll come to you and sort things out. You need something solid to hold on to, and that is not too much to ask.

Once you have that, you'll need to be patient and trust that he will live up to his end of the bargain. It's rough, I know.

[Gypsybell]

He's a nurse and a paramedic. On that count alone he is in a high stress zone. He's a strong person and he's cracking. HE HAS STRESS BURNOUT AND HIS UNSTABLE DIABETES IS PLAYING HAVOC WITH HIS MENTAL PROCESSES AS WELL AS HIS ENERGY LEVELS. He needs professional help and he is typically self diagnosing like crazy and being his own bloody minded pro. Its a hazzard of the breed.

He doesn't know what else to do but at least avoid some stressors and you're the only one he can avoid at this point. Understand that this is unlikely to be that he doesn't care about you, this poor bloke cares about everybody and everything, including you and your 3 dogs, and they all need a piece of him, but he needs the money to keep them all fed and safe so he can only dredge up enough energy for the job that provides that money. AND YOU ARE WAFFLING ON ABOUT MARRIAGE AND A PARTY???.
He can't cope, lovey. Your man is inches away from blowing himself away. And I think you are quite wonderful NOT to be screaming at him and demanding explanations. But you are scared and maybe you are a soft, clingy person, or just a warm, loving one and very hurt. That will be hurting him too. He can't face your love any more than he can raise the energy to walk the dog. He needs total rest and reprieve from all that responsibility. Doesn't even want to see the doe eyed worry in his dog's eyes, let alone his sweetheart's. He's horrified of being weak and letting you down. And he just wants to crawl away in a cave and be at minimal level of difficulty for very survival. YOU NEED TO ENABLE HIM TO DO THAT. DON'T ASK HIM ANY QUESTIONS. DON'T MAKE PACKING A BAG A DRAMA, JUST DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. DO WHATEVER YOU CAN TO MINIMIZE A STRESSFUL ATMOSPHERE WHEN HE COMES HOME TO PACK THAT BAG AND IF YOU CAN DO THAT THEN JUST MAYBE HE WILL SINK DOWN ON THE COUCH, WITH RELIEF AND OPEN UP TO YOU.

I am not quite sure how to convey to you what he needs, but its important , I think, that I try. I am a trauma nurse so I know the breed intimately and he is a brother in dire straights so you can show him this later and have a laugh about it maybe, but right now he needs to have the same unconditional love and management that you (or he) would give to his best loved dog, if it was maimed and exhausted. You don't demand anything from a wounded animal, you just let it be and give it food and drink and a quiet, peaceful place to rest. And call the vet ( or in this instance if your bloke is a tough nut and won't seek attention, Alert his workmate to maybe cast an eye over him ) His diabetes is a priority to stabilize. Stress will shoot it to hell and back, and if he's not eating properly he's an insulin coma risk. On the other hand, if he is mucking around with his insulin and gets high blood sugar he will have mental confusion, extreme thirst and personality extremes are not uncommon. So you can probably take his 'out of character behaviour' of late with a pinch of salt. He needs to start talking and sharing his worries, a good cry helps, a laugh is the ultimate healer, but don't try 'pepping him up' at this point. What he needs is empathy and to vent. Don't interrupt with solutions, just let him talk. If he volunteers to. A wounded howl is a good start.

The guns are a definite worry. If your man just takes off in a mixed up mess and you can't get any headway at all. Trust your instincts, and don't be afraid to call it in as an emergency, with or without his consent. Some times sick people just need someone to take it out of their hands. There'll be A suicide response team on call to his workplace. But I'd go for diabetes and a trauma response. He doesn't need a mental health tag if you can avoid it. I wish you well. Let us know how you get on.
If this is over the top, disregard it. I am only going on your letter and the multiple alerts within it. I would rather present possible reasons and cautions than leave you worried out on a limb. God Bless.

[Wakeup]

OP: He's asked you for some space because it appears he's suffering from being what my mother used to say "Chief cook and Bottle washer." You rely entirely on him for EVERYTHING by the sounds of things. Do you not have a life outside of him at all? Hopefully you've just left out details about your own interests and hobbies that don't entail your bf.

Now, He's obviously a very poor communicator (or you were'nt listening) to let himself get to this state and then blowing up like he did but he has not told you that he needs to be at a point where he has no stressors in his life so: Don't sit around crying. Get up and clean up the house, make it spic and span and organized so that there is nothing on the counters and so that things don't fall out of the cupboards when they're opened. Show him that you're capable of living on your own should you ever have to. Take care of the animals by making sure they are getting walked and fed and groomed.

Give him the poorly asked for space he needs at the moment by not calling, texting, emailing, sending smoke signals, or notes via carrier pidgeon. I suspect that once you stop hounding him, he'll wonder how you're doing and he'll call you. When he does you'll be able to tell him all the things you've done while he got his head together.

What things do you do that doesn't entail your bf? Do you have any outside interests or hobbies? You've been with this man since you were a baby for goodness sakes and I don't think you've grown much since. He's not given you the opportunity and now I think he's fed up with the responsibility. (???) Least that's how I see it.

Do your best to work on you and if he comes to his senses or, he doesn't ~ You'll be a better person no matter what. When/if he does come back, sit down with him and work out a schedule or chores that you're both responsible for and make sure you both do them. Learn to communicate with one another, don't abuse the "I love you's," and look on the bright side. By doing this he's giving you your very first opportunity to grow as an individual. You've never had that opportunity before.

[bulrush]

Sounds like he got some really bad news, and the stress is breaking him. Sounds like he is packing and going to live somewhere else, TEMPORARILY, though he didn't say this. His communication is terrible right now. I don't think he wants the marriage to end, I think he needs to relieve some stress. So be supportive of him, and stop asking him about the f*cking windows.

Lately, we have been having a lot of financial stressors

Uncle Bulrush says, always buy less house than you need. And NEVER buy as much house as the mortgage company says is "ok". It's not "ok". ALWAYS put 20% down on a house, no exceptions. I did that and I STILL lost all my equity in this mess the bankers created.

"You don't appreciate anything I do." I have no idea where this came from! I appreciate everything he does so much!
(A sign of increasing stress.)

Finally, somewhere around 2 in the morning, he texted me saying that he was out for drinks with some of his coworkers and to "leave him alone" and he'd be home after. Now, let me say that he NEVER, EVER drinks.
(Another sign of increasing stress.)

It was like he had a totally blank look on his face and a very flat tone of voice.
(Stress is at a critical point here.)

He replied with "Why can't you understand that I just can't do this anymore? I have chest pain every day and all this stress is killing me. We are swamped with bills and I'm so tired of always being broke."
(More signs of stress.)

Sounds like he got some bad news, and he is in shock. Now he's having chest pain from the stress. Just try to support him, and try to reduce his stress by not asking him to do house work. Sounds like he has more than enough stress at work.

So he's a paramedic. Do you think he got written up for something? Or got a lay off notice?

What luxuries are you buying that you don't need? How can you trim your expenses? How about getting rid of some cell phones, Netflix, cable, snowmobiles, motorcycles, fifth wheels, satellite TV, and that big screen TV you didn't need?