Staying out all night in a relationship....as if I need to ask....

[kdkd727]

I know what I consider a healthy relationship, and what i consider to be considerate and respectful.....but ive never had this issue in a relationship before, and the hostile resistance ive ran into has me wanting at least see what other healthy mature individuals think....friends are naturally bias...so i thought id give strangers a try....

im a 33, professional working guy.....had several ltr's before, have learned volumes from my own and others experiences....come from a happy married home (parents married almost 40 and still counting)......

my other half is 25, 4 year old son, sperm donor is not in the picture, with zero healthy relationship experience.....has always dated the "bad boys" i wont go into the horrid details out of respect for her.....for all practical purposes, I am her first "man" and this is her first "adult relationship"....

its been 3 LOOOONG years this september

needless to say its been rough....

so, my question for you all is this.......i think that staying out all night is just not cool when you're in a relationship....i mean, there is the situational occurance where you know you're going out and its out of town, or its a multi-day sitaution, but in general, i just cant see how its appropriate...too drunk to drive home doesnt count when i have made it clear that i will drive ANYWHERE at ANYTIME to get my partner home safe with NO argument or problems....

last night we went out, had fun, got home around midnight.....i have to get up for work at 6am, so when she said she wanted to go out some more, i just couldnt do it...its a tuesday.....her friend who lives literally 4 minutes away, is single, works at a strip club and lives to just hang out every day....so of course, my girl says she just wants to go to her house and hang out for a little bit then come home.....she says she's going to lock the door, and we agree that she will call when she is on her way home so i can unlock it.....

no call...no show...nothing.....when i finally saw her online at 11am, she gave the usual BS, her friends phone was dead....when she got to her friends house she wasnt home, so she went to the club to hang with her, and when they got back to her friends house and were finishing up the night at 4am, she couldnt find her friends phone to call me.....and apparently the 4 minute drive was too stressful, even though she admits she knew i would be upset.....her reasoning was, "i didnt feel like driving home, i cant stay at my friends house if i feel like it? I should be able to do whatever i want".......and when i brought up the fact she said she would call on her way home, and how that means that she is in fact COMING HOME.....her reply was "you shouldnt take me literally"......????????????????? lololol really? I was in shock too folks, im still trying to figure that one out...lol

this exact situation has happened before....I have calmly and nonconfrontationally broken down repeatedly for her, how healthy couples need to communicate and respect eachother....i explained its not called checking in, its called courtesy...the last time this happened, she said she wouldnt be out too late, and then i got a call at 7am saying she wasnt coming home...NO DUH CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!! LOL....and of course, because i told her she needs to call, she felt that because she called at 7am to say she wasnt coming home, that makes it ok....because "SHE CALLED"......

She has a history of drinking and driving, and not making the best choices, so when i told her i worry about whether she is safe, in jail, in trouble, whatever, she simply says, "i dont know why you worry, just stop doing that, thats your own fault for losing sleep".....

When I tell her functional, healthy adults, dont behave that way, she says im controlling and that nobody she has spoken to says there is a problem with it.....Mind you, she doesnt know a SINGLE healthy functional couple...im not exaggerating here...all of her friends, are either single with multiple children from different fathers, single and just doing whatever they want, or in relationships where one or both people are cheating.......not ONE functioning couple......which when i bring up, doesnt work out too well, because then im a know-it-all, etc etc etc


so tell me.....out all night, with no calls, or hell, even saying your coming home, then calling to say you changed your mind at 4 am.........is that what healthy couples do? I always tell her when im coming home, and regardless of whats going on, im home when i say i am.....if im going to be late, i call BEFORE im supposed to be home, and let her know, IM ON MY WAY AND IM SORRY FOR NOT BEING THERE WHEN I SAID I WOULD....i just feel thats what an adult does....and if you care about somebody and their feelings, and their expectations are fair, then you do what you can to keep your word out of love and respect for their feelings....


am i an old fashioned fuddy duddy? hell, im only 33....and like i said, ive NEVER had this issue before in a relationship...if anything, ive been the knucklehead in the past..... lol

[JadenMia]

She sounds to me like she is a silly, immature mother that cant accept her reponsibilities as an adult or a mother.. And also found herself attached to friends in a similar state.

Who looks after her son while she goes out all the time?
She doesnt respect you, you let her walk all over you and then she feeds you BS lies that sounds so retarded. Like a child does.

Do you want to be with her? What are you asking? If i were you i would wait for her to go out. Lay the ground rules. It is not acceptable for a mother to be out all night like some dirty stop out. Tell her how you feel, what you expect etc. If she doesnt follow basic requests, just tell her you dont want to be with her.
This isnt controlling, this is finding a woman who fits you and your needs. If she doesnt, then give her the boot!

[MaidenMinx]

I too am wondering where her son is when she is doing this? Or are you the babysitter too?

Fact is this isn't on. Early on in our relationship hubby used to do this to me but he has since grown out of it for the most part. The fact that you describe your relationship as 3 LOOOONG years is not a good sign. Yes, relationships are tough but there is supposed to be more joy then distress.

[kdkd727]

sometimes she will leave him with her father, thats usually when she pulls stunts like this......like i said, last night we actually had a planned night out, so he was with his grandfather for our "date".....he is also a major reason i have stuck this out because he is just wonderful and I have been the only stable source of direction and values in his life.....I have struggled with determining if her actions are simple immaturity (which at 25 is getting harder to believe) or an actual character trait of selfishness and inconsideration.....I hoped that she would eventually grow up, and then things would work themselves out....but it seems to just get worse.....i cant help but have an issue with the fact that if she knows im expecting her to come home and/or call, and for whatever reason, she cant call, then making the 4 minute drive home is not too much to ask when the alternative is causing me stress and missed sleep.....i sure as hell value another persons feelings more than that....so its either there is something else going on to keep her there, or its simply blatant selfishness and inconsideration......i posted to hear if others perhaps thought i was being "controlling"....i didnt think i was, but i understand sometimes we dont see our own faults......I just get offended even more when she keeps flipping it on me saying that she should be allowed to spend the night at a friends if she wants, when thats not really as much the issue as is the fact that if ur expected home, and u cant call, then then a 3 mile ride home shouldnt be so out of the question......but i do still think that in a relationship, you find your way home at the end of the night no matter what time it is...........thanks so far for the feedback, these topics are not always the easiest to put out there.....

[MaidenMinx]

Is she doing drugs? Or does she just get obscenely drunk?

One of the reasons I was able to forgive hubby for doing the same thing is a) over time it decreased and b) I know what he is like when he is drunk and I believe him when he says he genuinely forgets. I've done it myself, I've pulled out my phone to make a call and forgotten what I was doing straight away.

[kdkd727]

there is no forgetting...she openly admits to knowing exactly what is going on...and subsequently admits to choosing to do what she wants because she says im "telling her what to do".......

i feel better knowing that im not totally out of line here with my expectations....

now the fun part....

ACTING ON IT...lol

[MaidenMinx]

She sounds resistant and immature and addicted to drama.