Feels guilty after getting what I want

[Kaius]

Since the beginning of our relationship, my fiancee has indicated her fear of anal sex. She really didn't want it, and we have had long discussions about it. She has never had anal sex ever, and at one point vowed that she would never give up her "bum" to anyone.

Through our discussions, she realized that I wanted to have anal sex with her. I wanted it not because it would turn me on, but because I know no one has ever gone there before, and she must really love me if she gave me her bum. A few months into our relationship she started to give me full oral sex and swallow, which she never did with anyone before. To her it was the most intimate thing, and she enjoyed it.....mostly because I enjoyed it. I was most appreciative, but for some reason she saw that I was never going to be content until we had anal sex. I don't know if that's true, but that's how she saw it.

After we got engaged last year, she agreed that we would have anal sex on our wedding night. I told her it really doesn't matter to me because I love her and I would never put her through it if she's so afraid of it. We were supposed to be married this Friday, but due to logistical issues, we postponed wedding till next year. I already put $8,000 deposit for the wedding, so there is no turning back...hahaha.

Anyway, this past saturday we had our 2-year anniversary of our relationship. We went to a nice restaurant, and I reserved a room at a nice hotel so we could spend a romantic evening. After some drinking, I accidentally said something hurtful (another story), and made her feel inadequate. I felt terrible....so I apologized, and we went on with the evening. That night when we got to our hotel, she demanded that we have anal sex. I mean she aggressively demanded it! We had anal sex, she didn't like it, but did not freak out either, and went to sleep. I felt awful...because I knew she did it to satisfy me, and to make sure I didn't see her as being inadequate. She did it all for me. I am such an asshole... I feel soooo guilty.

Has anyone ever felt guilty after getting what he/she actually wanted?

[katielacey]

Hmm it does sound like she felt pressured into it, especially as you weren't nice to her before hand. You should make sure you're caring for her and looking out for her properly and that will mean never having anal sex - as it's clear anyway that she didn't want it and doesn't like it. Show her you respect her in that.

[romantic_guy]

I wanted it not because it would turn me on, but because I know no one has ever gone there before, and she must really love me if she gave me her bum.

First of all, why do we put conditions like, "if you really love me you will give me...anal...oral...a threesome...whatever?" What about, "If you really loved me you would not force me or make me feel guilty for something I really don't want to do?"

But, to answer your question, yes I felt guilty in that way. We had sex for the first time when she was 15 and I was 16. It was very traumatic for her to lose her virginity and she cried. I felt awful. After that line was crossed, however, there was no turning back. We continued to have sex, she got pregnant, and we got married. Fortunately we were able to get past all of that and have stayed together for 39 years. It did take a number of years for the sex to become uninhibited...but that is another story.

[searock]

You do realize that the thing you told her that night was the reason for her to tell you to have anal sex? You told her that when you were in college you would only date virgin girls because "you don't like leftovers". You seem entirely convinced that if a woman really loves a man, they will have sex ONLY with him. She had never had anal sex with any other man, that's why she told you to have it that night. She wanted to prove to you that she loves you. You have every reason to feel guilty.

[bulrush]

I have to agree with Searock. It does sound like you manipulated your wife a bit about this issue, so that would explain your guilt. I understand the concept of sharing something new and special with someone, but it does sound like there was manipulation, or at least some anger, in there.

She went out of her comfort zone to share something you thought was special. Make sure you tell her you recognize that. Or it won't happen again.

[Wakeup]

I don't see any point in telling you if you should or you shouldn't feel guilty. I don't know why you would though (just for the record) she gave in, and that was her perogative. Me, if I didn't want to I'd simply tell you no and be done with it. (but then I'm not easily manipulated nor do I answer to "if you loved me's") Of course under the circumstances she wasn't going to like it. Just like most women don't enjoy it the first time they have vaginal sex either. It hurts, we're tense and too inhibited to really let go with abandon.

I do wonder why you didn't start out slowly introducing anal to her with your fingers? Surely you do that with her genital area first.

Anyway, teach her that anal sex can be very pleasurable if the giver knows what they are doing. Using her natural vaginal secretions, lube up your finger and just play with the outside of her button during foreplay and for several sessions and do that while working her vagina and clitoris as well. There are thousands of nerve endings around the anus and she's actually missing out on some really nice feelings by the sounds of things. Very Gradually work up to penile insertion. Always wear a rubber when entering an exit and use lots of bottle lube with penile insertion as well. There is no natural lubrication in the anus and it would be very painful for her if you didn't lube up. Be very cautious to never go from back to front without washing throroughly and using a new rubber. Learn to seduce rather than coerce in future.

[Drumzzz]

last week i saw my gf (which i do 2-4 times a week), it had been 3 weeks since we last had sex
so when i got to her place (hoping we would have sex cause there was a great oppertunity) i told her after a while (and after she getting me even more horny ^^ ) that i felt like doing it
she wasn't in the mood cause it was broad daylight (i actually still don't understand why that matter :p )
after i got a bit frustrated she gave in and told me to go upstairs
BUT i declined
WHY cause i don't want to push her and respect her

maybe you shouldn't have said something horrible...
k, i admit, it can happen accidently
BUT have the strength to decline what she wants to give to you out of guilt and pressure!

the great thing about that is, the day after (when i saw her at night) we had te best sex ever (altough that's what i think of it )