Post Hook-up. Please Advise

[Citygal]

Hello all.

Before I go into what happened, please allow me to give a brief background as I think it helps paints a more clear picture.

I have known this guy friend for 8 long years. Please note I use the term friend loosely as we're not close plus shortly after we met each other he moved to a different city, so we don't really hang out either.

During the course of our "friendship", we usually just email/text about mindless chatter, nothing serious or too personal. We've always flirted with each other because we are physically attracted to each other; but nothing ever happened because neither of us felt strongly enough to pursue anything. Plus, the fact that we live in two sides of the US makes it even less ideal. We kept in touch on and off throughout the years. I've dated people and so did he (I assume he has, but he never talks about it, so either he didn't have an active dating life or he chose to be private). He's always expressed that he would like to hook up with me but even though I've flirted, but I never expressed the same.

Fast forward to a few months ago. We found out we were going to vacation at the same city (but we were both going with our group of friends, not with each other). Naturally, we decided to hang out because it's been a long time. We went out one evening with our group but managed to find time to meet up with each other and ended up hooking up. He was pretty intoxicated (according to him, but I felt otherwise because he was pretty coherent in his speech). During "it", it was personal and it felt comfortable since we've known each other for a long time. But right afterwards he announced he needs to go get some "stuff" (aka influencing substance) from his buddies. I, of course, was slightly irritated because I expected a little more from someone I've known for so long. He was supposed to come back but never did. The next day he texted and apologized profusely and told me he was under the influence so he lost track of time; but he doesn't want to upset me. I didn't respond. We were supposed to hang out the next evening, he ended up cancelling. The morning before I flew home. I messaged him saying it wasn't cool what he did. He called back apologizing but at that point, I wasn't really interested in an apology because I felt at his age (close to 40), being under the influence of substance is not exactly a legit apology.

For the next few weeks after we returned to our cities. He kept a close touch, text messaging mostly. I would respond like I did before (but no more flirting). I've never considered anything romantic or serious with this guy because as previously stated, we don't really talk about anything. I just thought if anything were to happen between us, it would be something fun and casual. However, I am not pleased with how he acted after.

As time went on, messages became less frequent. He still checks my facebook and comment fairly often. I informed him I'll be visiting his city for work, he didn't sound very enthusiastic at all so I didn't say anymore.

Last week he started messaging me again after a few weeks of no contact. His tone is still flirty (as it has been all this time). He asked me for a recent photo so I sent one. He then proceed to message me non-stop for a day. Asked for more photos but I didn't send, then the next day communication died down a bit and I haven't heard from him since.

I'm very hard headed so the thing that's bothering me the most is I don't know what his intentions are. Even tho I am fully aware that this is definitely the wrong guy for me, nor I am seeking a relationship with him given how he treated me when we were on vacation. But it helps to get over this annoying knot in my stomach to know what's going on.

Thank you so much for your time. I apologize for a lengthy post and appreciate all your help on this matter.

[Wakeup]

I'm very hard headed so the thing that's bothering me the most is I don't know what his intentions are. Even tho I am fully aware that this is definitely the wrong guy for me, nor I am seeking a relationship with him given how he treated me when we were on vacation. But it helps to get over this annoying knot in my stomach to know what's going on.

Thank you so much for your time. I apologize for a lengthy post and appreciate all your help on this matter.

He keeps in touch in case you ever come to his city or he goes to yours in the future and he can hook up with you again. It's about the sex and keeping the door open for it.

Unknot your stomach and either keep up the banter and the door open or, close the door altogether by blocking and deleting him from all social networking sites and means of connecting with you. Your call how you handle it but his intentions (or actually his lack of any concrete intentions) are obvious.

[IndiReloaded]

He's not a friend. You are fooling yourself. Friends don't want to **** friends.

The reason he blew you off and is now reducing contact is probably b/c he

1. Knows your legs are staying closed
2. He found someone else's legs to open.

You already know this tho, you're just looking for confirmation. This isn't rocket science.

[Citygal]

He keeps in touch in case you ever come to his city or he goes to yours in the future and he can hook up with you again. It's about the sex and keeping the door open for it.

I thought so too but he didn't carry the conversation on when I mentioned I am visiting his city, which I can only assume he's not interested; Of course, never say never, but I do not believe he'll really have a reason to visit my city. Not to boost his ego, but he's a very good looking guy who I can say in confidence will have no trouble finding "play dates" locally. That's why I was a bit puzzled because technically there's no need to keep the line of communication open for future opportunities if both parties are aware the chance of seeing each other is slim to none.

He's not a friend. You are fooling yourself. Friends don't want to **** friends.

The reason he blew you off and is now reducing contact is probably b/c he

1. Knows your legs are staying closed
2. He found someone else's legs to open.

You already know this tho, you're just looking for confirmation. This isn't rocket science.

That's why I said I use the term friend loosely. You're right absolutely right. If he is a friend then we wouldn't be in this situation. I suppose it's a bit tricky because I'm one of those people that usually have a soft spot for people I've known for a long time, because you feel like there's more "invested" (if I'm making sense at all); and you certainly expect a little more from them than from say, someone you only know a month.




Wakeup & IndiReloaded. Thank you both very much for taking the time to read and your honest opinion are very much appreciated.

[IndiReloaded]

Not to boost his ego, but he's a very good looking guy who I can say in confidence will have no trouble finding "play dates" locally. That's why I was a bit puzzled because technically there's no need to keep the line of communication open for future opportunities if both parties are aware the chance of seeing each other is slim to none.

You sound much more invested than him, frankly. As for occasional communication, what does it cost him to keep you hanging on 'just in case'.

I'm one of those people that usually have a soft spot for people I've known for a long time, because you feel like there's more "invested" (if I'm making sense at all); and you certainly expect a little more from them than from say, someone you only know a month.

You said it yourself, tho: its not like you were close friends. I'll give you the alternative outcome to illustrate 'not friends' and friends.

I had a similar experience to yours except my 'friend' actually was a close, lifelong friend. Over 20 years. A decade or so into my marriage, we hit a bad patch. Story old as the hills: he was supportive, things got a bit weird... we had the 'not ever going there' conversation.

He still calls and visits despite the fact we live very far away. We set different boundaries and we laugh about it now. Do you see the difference b/t your situation and what I describe? Your 'friend' isn't really interested in friendship (except what you drive). Plus you already had sex with him. So, to him its probably no big deal. I think if you told him you were into something sexual, he'd be for it. But you should be careful not to expect more than this or you'll get shredded.

[MerryH]

I'm very hard headed so the thing that's bothering me the most is I don't know what his intentions are. Even tho I am fully aware that this is definitely the wrong guy for me, nor I am seeking a relationship with him given how he treated me when we were on vacation. But it helps to get over this annoying knot in my stomach to know what's going on.

Well, just stop that. His intentions do not matter, because you already know that you don't want a relationship with him. So how would it benefit you to know whether he just wanted a piece or if he wanted more? It wouldn't. Just move on.

...Unless you actually do want to be with him. You do, huh.

[Citygal]

You sound much more invested than him, frankly. As for occasional communication, what does it cost him to keep you hanging on 'just in case'.

You said it yourself, tho: its not like you were close friends. I'll give you the alternative outcome to illustrate 'not friends' and friends.

I had a similar experience to yours except my 'friend' actually was a close, lifelong friend. Over 20 years. A decade or so into my marriage, we hit a bad patch. Story old as the hills: he was supportive, things got a bit weird... we had the 'not ever going there' conversation.
He still calls and visits despite the fact we live very far away. We set different boundaries and we laugh about it now. Do you see the difference b/t your situation and what I describe? Your 'friend' isn't really interested in friendship (except what you drive). Plus you already had sex with him. So, to him its probably no big deal. I think if you told him you were into something sexual, he'd be for it. But you should be careful not to expect more than this or you'll get shredded.

I understand. Thank you again for your feedback. It helps to hear confirmation from an unbiased voice.

Well, just stop that. His intentions do not matter, because you already know that you don't want a relationship with him. So how would it benefit you to know whether he just wanted a piece or if he wanted more? It wouldn't. Just move on.

...Unless you actually do want to be with him. You do, huh.

I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about pursuing something more, given we've always been attracted to each other. Mostly physical but we did stay in each others lives for 8 years (and I might be naive to assume if it's purely physical a guy wouldn't carry it on for so long if there hadn't been any action). I made the mistake of letting that cloud over the fact of the situation. But at the end of the day, it's a bad idea that's why I'm not seeking anything more with him. To be completely honest, there's also the wounded ego because he "ditched" me on vacation even though since then he's always been the one initiating contact, because that's never a great feeling; but doesn't un-do anything. Thank you very much for your honest opinion. Moving on is always a little easier said than done but always necessary!

[IndiReloaded]

I've known plenty of people for longer than 8 years who have 'stayed in my life'. Most of them I wouldn't call my 'friend'. The time thing is really irrelevant.

I agree with you. This is really about your ego. And, as I already said, you seem more invested in the potential of a relationship with this guy than he does. Why else did you choose to sleep with him when he was obviously drunk?

Part of your problem is how you've binned this problem in your mind. You want to classify this as a friend thing, but as we agree, its really not. Step outside of your issue for a moment and imagine a post like this:

There's this guy I've known for a while. We don't hang out or anything but we communicate on occasion. A few months ago, we met up on a work trip and ended up having sex. He was drunk, I went along (b/c I admit I've been interested in him for some time). Afterward, he basically took off. I wasn't happy about it and told him so, he apologized. Anyway, after that we went back to our usual messaging but he dropped off after a time.

Now, just last week he asked for my photo and has started sending me messages again. Thoughts?

How would you counsel this person? Puts things in a different light, doesn't it? Good luck.

[Citygal]

I've known plenty of people for longer than 8 years who have 'stayed in my life'. Most of them I wouldn't call my 'friend'. The time thing is really irrelevant.

I agree with you. This is really about your ego. And, as I already said, you seem more invested in the potential of a relationship with this guy than he does. Why else did you choose to sleep with him when he was obviously drunk?

Part of your problem is how you've binned this problem in your mind. You want to classify this as a friend thing, but as we agree, its really not. Step outside of your issue for a moment and imagine a post like this:

There's this guy I've known for a while. We don't hang out or anything but we communicate on occasion. A few months ago, we met up on a work trip and ended up having sex. He was drunk, I went along (b/c I admit I've been interested in him for some time). Afterward, he basically took off. I wasn't happy about it and told him so, he apologized. Anyway, after that we went back to our usual messaging but he dropped off after a time.

Now, just last week he asked for my photo and has started sending me messages again. Thoughts?

How would you counsel this person? Puts things in a different light, doesn't it? Good luck.

He said he was drunk but as previously stated I didn't really think so, because his speech was completely coherent when he was talking to me the whole time and he managed to get back to his friends after and even posted photos and status updates on facebook. This just makes him a bigger jerk since I believe he was aware of what he was doing (instead of blaming it on alcohol and drugs like he did).

Thanks for setting that example. You are absolutely right. If I saw a post like that I would respond the same way others have been in this thread. As wounded as my ego is, and as much as I want to get back at him. The best thing to do is just let it go and write it off as a bad experience.

Thank you again for all your honest opinion.

[IndiReloaded]

Hey, don't beat yourself up. People are married for years and then discover their partner bats for the other team or worse. He sounds immature and, yes, selfish. I didn't think of your point about him pretending to be drunk. I doubt you'd be a good fit as you seem quite sensible. His loss.

Stick around the forum, you seem smart. Find a few posters who reasonable advice and give it. It will help.

Best,
- Indi

[Citygal]

Hey, don't beat yourself up. People are married for years and then discover their partner bats for the other team or worse. He sounds immature and, yes, selfish. I didn't think of your point about him pretending to be drunk. I doubt you'd be a good fit as you seem quite sensible. His loss.

Stick around the forum, you seem smart. Find a few posters who reasonable advice and give it. It will help.

Best,
- Indi

Thanks so much again Indi. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving and happy holidays