My Girlfriend can't get over her dead ex.

[lostwon]

My girlfriend can't get over the death of her ex-boyfriend. I've tried to comfort her during this depressing time. She seems ok for a day or two but then she is back in that same mood again. I understand its hard losing someone so I try not to say much. She has a 3 year old son by him but they stopped talking when he was 1 because of him cheating. I've asked her was she still in love with him and her answer was no. I have a son by someone else as well. She asked me to put myself in her situation. I did and I still don't think I would take it the same way. She is asking me about marriage but I feel I just can't right now until we get past this.

[ms77]

I'd say keep doing as you are and just continue being supportive. This is a real test of the truth for your love of one another. This is her struggle to overcome and one certainly can't place a timeframe for how long it takes another to grieve. You may want to suggest she seek outside counseling if it really is too much for her to bear. You are, because of your relationship to her, possibly more difficult for her to confide in; slowing down her ability to heal. I would also recommend finding your own outlet for moral support. I think it would serve you well in allowing you to maintain an emotional repository for her.

[lostwon]

Thanks...I've been asking different people for their opinion and your advice seems the most helpful. She is starting counseling this Thursday and I'm all for it. I hope everything goes well. Its kind of a touchy subject. Everytime I try to talk to her about it ends in an argument. I know that's the wrong way to handle this situation. I've been confused...don't know whether to talk or give her space. It has been seeming like I'm wrong in whatever I do. I love her and I know she loves me so hopefully counseling will help her where I can't.

[bcgirl]

I have a best friend who just lost her husband. The death of someone is very tough and you will never 100% get over it. It's not like a break-up where you are broken up and it was a mutual or one sided decision. But it's a sudden death, there is no break-up....just all of a sudden your loved one was taken away from you to be never seen again. She really needs to cope with the death of her ex, take all the time she needs for that....3 years is really not that much time to get over a death of someone.

[bluesummer]

She had a child with him, so obviously she's going to feel some connection with him. It's also probably distressing for her to know her child's father is dead and she's going to have to deal with all the emotional issues that will come up with that over the years.

I'm glad to hear she's getting counselling, because she is going to need it. I don't think three years is necessarily enough time to 'get over it' especially if she hasn't really been dealing with it properly. If you love her, stick by her and help her through it.

[lostwon]

Thanks bcgirl and bluesummer. Both of you are right...it's just goin to take time I guess. How do you feel about her going to his grave every week? He has kids by the woman he was cheating with. My girlfriend takes those children places with her son. Sometimes she thinks about his death and randomly gets mad at me. She posts how much she misses him as her status on facebook. Is all of this normal? Should I just ignore it all or talk to her about it and risk the chance of her getting upset and making matters worse?

[bulrush]

I suppose it all depends on how much of this you can take. Different people need different time to get over a death like this. Some take 3 months, some take 3 years. So it really depends on you and how much of her sadness you can tolerate.

Counseling for her is a good start. Maybe after she has been to 5 or 10 sessions, ask if you can go with her so you can understand her position. The danger I see here is she may be overly focused on the negative of his death, instead of the positive of his memories. People sometimes get in a "rut" and never come out of it for years and years. This is bad for you because it is unlikely you will get her full attention, and unlikely you would get your needs met.

Both people in a relationship have to have their needs met, and if one is preoccupied with something, then things often don't work out.

[smackie9]

I feel a lot of her sadness is out of extreme guilt. Now that he has died she may feel that is was a mistake to completely banish him out of her and her son's life.......that her son will never have the chance to know who his father really is.

Just keep talking to her about it.

[marrabel]

Think you should try to understand and go on supporting her. It is difficult to lose someone who is dear to you. This period should be lived by you both. Together. If you do this then your love is really true.