confused about b/f behaviour and think i should leave him even need advice.

[peggysue]

hi all,
ive been seeing my guy for about 3 yrs and i was smitten from day 1 . the problem is he always seems to dislike affection, eg...holding hands,hugs,kissing etc....the only time he showed affection was when we were intimate in bed. i really thought we were meant to be as i did admire a lot of his morals and values we both had the same outlook. But in the for nearly over a yr things have got terrible,he had a massive fight with my family making life very difficult,argumentative ,awkward and i really felt like my loyalties were all over the place, i loved him but i didnt want to fall out with my own family. he hates if i talk about them etc anything at all to do with them. i cant see us havin a future if i cant share future joys life brings along.Also ive noticed he has been short tempered, calling me names, stupid lazy etc etc loads of stuff which i fight back and am at the moment not in contact after a roaring match on the phone. he only told me once he loved me and wants all of my time.i work long hrs and then he gives out if im tired its like he expects me to be on sharp mode constantly.i am seriously thinking of leaving but feel bad since its coming up to christmas but its been days now since we spoke so im thinking he doesnt really care anyway,,,he never apologises for anything and im sick of always making the first move.
i really feel like a damn fool, im educated,fun,pretty and popular with everyone i know but he makes me feel terrible most of the time. if i do dump him im afraid on how to do it ,im 33 ,should have more sense but ive so soft for too long.i still love him deep down but ive tried everything to make things work but my attempts seem useless.
thanks in advance.

[bulrush]

if i do dump him im afraid on how to do it ,im 33 ,should have more sense but ive so soft for too long.

You are an adult and that means you sometimes have to make difficult decisions. A partner should add something to your life, but NOT ADD STRESS. They should have a positive impact all around. Sounds like he is bad for you. Too bad he chose to be a jerk, and it just happens to be christmas. Give him an early present: his singlehood. Tell him you two are over and he can date other girls.

i still love him deep down

No, I don't think you love him. But you fear change and maybe you fear being alone. And maybe you have an emotional attachment, but I don't think you love him. I guess you learned that love doesn't change anything. Only action from both parties does.

but ive tried everything to make things work but my attempts seem useless.

You did everything you could. That was the right thing to do. Now it's time to free yourself from the dead weight to find someone positive who will ADD to your life.

p.s. Call me. lol. (Kidding.)

[GPLOC]

he sounds like me about 3 years ago. Think it's time you sat him down for the talk. Tell him straight. If you don't let me be myself, and if you don't let me see my family, then I'm going to have to leave you. There's no reason everyone can't get on. It's controlling to want to keep me away from everyone I hold dear, and I wouldn't do it on you. i expect you to understand that I have a life outside you. I love you, and I do want to be with you, but not like this. If you aren't willing to man up and go and see someone about your own insecurities then I can't be with you, because at the minute it's only adding stress to my life. It isn't supposed to be that way.

[GPLOC]

You need to also realise that you deserve better than this type of treatment. Do a bit of back tracking though. Have you ever betrayed him? Or given him any reason not to trust you? It's very rarely that these feelings like his just come along out of nothing. Ask yourself, do you really love him? This is make or break time. So you need to make a decision that you know is right, and one you can stick to. Don't go into any decision you make half heartedly.

[peggysue]

he sounds like me about 3 years ago. Think it's time you sat him down for the talk. Tell him straight. If you don't let me be myself, and if you don't let me see my family, then I'm going to have to leave you. There's no reason everyone can't get on. It's controlling to want to keep me away from everyone I hold dear, and I wouldn't do it on you. i expect you to understand that I have a life outside you. I love you, and I do want to be with you, but not like this. If you aren't willing to man up and go and see someone about your own insecurities then I can't be with you, because at the minute it's only adding stress to my life. It isn't supposed to be that way.

I have been down this road with him trying to talk sensible and be adults and not hold grudges.at first he would storm off now he sulks for days blames me for everything and basically hates the idea and hates my sister which i just cant bear. i think the stress has just built up over months probably because ive been on egg shells not wanting an argument and hoping he might come to some sense too.

[peggysue]

You need to also realise that you deserve better than this type of treatment. Do a bit of back tracking though. Have you ever betrayed him? Or given him any reason not to trust you? It's very rarely that these feelings like his just come along out of nothing. Ask yourself, do you really love him? This is make or break time. So you need to make a decision that you know is right, and one you can stick to. Don't go into any decision you make half heartedly.

this is definitley not half hearted believe me .i have questioned myself a thousand times ,did i offend him? what have i done now ? but nothing if anything i treat him as well as id treat everyone else except better and have been there through some really tough tiems with him. ive never cheated never wanted to ,to me he was the one,in my heart i still want him to be .i just cant think of why he treats me like he hates me sometimes and when i ask him why he treats me like he does he is somehow SHOCKED!! ive been rolling in my head do i accept this man as he is and always feel stressed and happy now and then or end something i really invested my heart into and get some balls back and my integrity.

[peggysue]

im just wondering if i dont hear from him at all should i just presume his heart is not in it and just go meet him and say the damn words and leave.he is incredibly stubborn he is 35, imm 33. he has been a bit arrogant too saying that my clockis running out and he can do whatever he wants eg.kids as he is mad to have some.im far from ready to have kids just yet and being single is not what i had hoped to be but been there before and survived just really thought he would be the one but when i think of the hurtful words sometimes that anger boils up inside me.last thing i want to do is make one last fool of myself .

[GPLOC]

Do NOT even think about having children with this man. You are nowhere near ready. And it would only harm their lives to have you two in this scenario, and it would stress you out even more. DO NOT HAVE KIDS! You need to leave this man. Pronto. He is abusive, clearly depressed, clearly delusional, and he is making your life horrible. Be with your family. Find yourself again. And do not turn back.

[GPLOC]

If you find that in six months or eight months you haven't found someone worth keeping, and you really want children, there are routes you can go down. I would put yourself down on the waiting llist for such things ASAP, so that it is there as an option for you. Really, if you have tried time and again, there is nothing left to be said. It's just wasting your time.

[peggysue]

Do NOT even think about having children with this man. You are nowhere near ready. And it would only harm their lives to have you two in this scenario, and it would stress you out even more. DO NOT HAVE KIDS! You need to leave this man. Pronto. He is abusive, clearly depressed, clearly delusional, and he is making your life horrible. Be with your family. Find yourself again. And do not turn back.

Its the last thing i want to happen between us especially how the reality is .he has been out of work for ages, i can see he is depressed he cant,he cannot see anyone points of view and ive noticed he treats his mother like dirt just abusive talk i feel terrible for her,but then im puttin up with it also.to be honest the more i talk the more i feel how stupid and foolish i have been,ive given 100% and only a stonewall lookin back at me.i think ur dead right i dont know what im afraid of ,it just hurts so bad to think he thinks so lowly of me and i must realise that.

[peggysue]

If you find that in six months or eight months you haven't found someone worth keeping, and you really want children, there are routes you can go down. I would put yourself down on the waiting llist for such things ASAP, so that it is there as an option for you. Really, if you have tried time and again, there is nothing left to be said. It's just wasting your time.

i do love kids i know my options but i only ever want children in a loving relationship. thanks

[peggysue]

thanks bulrush im taking it all in and it all makes sense

[smackie9]

When you marry someone, you marry into their family and vise versa. If there is conflict, there is no point in having that person in your life.....that's providing you get along well with your family....since he doesn't get along with your family, that goes to show you he has issues.You are absolutely right, children definitely do need to be raised in a loving and stable involvement. With his issues and this dark side of his personality...would you want those genes passed onto your children? You can't really fix someone like that with out counseling, years of therapy...I bet he wouldn't even bother by the sounds of it. You deserve better, and you also deserve to be happy....once you get out of this relationship you will realize actually how unhappy your really were.

[bulrush]

Personally, if a person is that broken/immature (OPs boyfriend), I have learned it's not worth it to try and change them, because they don't change permanently, if at all. So I find someone more compatible. But I think you have to see for yourself and go through the pain to learn what I just told you I have learned.

Why should I get the "fixer upper" if I could find someone much better, for the same investment of my time?

[peggysue]

When you marry someone, you marry into their family and vise versa. If there is conflict, there is no point in having that person in your life.....that's providing you get along well with your family....since he doesn't get along with your family, that goes to show you he has issues.You are absolutely right, children definitely do need to be raised in a loving and stable involvement. With his issues and this dark side of his personality...would you want those genes passed onto your children? You can't really fix someone like that with out counseling, years of therapy...I bet he wouldn't even bother by the sounds of it. You deserve better, and you also deserve to be happy....once you get out of this relationship you will realize actually how unhappy your really were.

No i totally agree with you, i have been mulling these thoughts in my head for weeks ,the good times are sparser and the bad times are almost every second day at this stage. I love my family so much and always want them in my life i cannot accept my partner to not be involved its unnatuaral for me to even think about after all their goodness and support. my mother has been great and is at this stage worried ill fall back into taking him back but to be honest ive googled everything to see am i right ,how others are coping etc...i DO need a MASSIVE kick up the arse , i know i have so much to give and cant unfotunatley waste anmore heart ache on someone who pretty much likes to see me suffer even if they cant see it.its just been my first real relationship so i guess im finding it hard to realise its definitley the end .im thinking of meeting him tomorrow and just be calm and tell its over that we are just not compatible etc and leave .after that i think i can breathe again. thanks xx