Back Again. Need some perspective on boyfriend/family situation.

[lahnnabell]

Been a while since I've been here. I found myself thinking a lot and I realized I could use some advice from some honest individuals that have given me sound advice before.

First: My boyfriend and I (both 27) have been together since February and moved into together in late spring this year. Just before Christmas we signed a 6-month lease on a new apartment and are almost finished moving in. On that front, things are progressing steadily. However, some other issues have come to light more recently and I'm wondering if anyone has any advice or thoughts on how to proceed with what feels like a very complex situation.

Once my boyfriend and I started dating, over time he divulged the knowledge that his mother is on the older side of the spectrum (pushing 70). He even held off on introducing the two of us because his mother had never approved of anyone he's dated before. He worried if she would be upset to know we were living together after such a short time. Eventually, she and I did meet and it is clear she more than approves of me! However... Her age has more recently become an issue due to her impending hip surgery (complete replacement from what I understand at this point). My boyfriend says she was much more active not too long ago. She's a full-time nurse who has just recently been let out on disability, and requires the assistance of a cane. These facts alone are very difficult for my boyfriend to cope with and he has a hard time talking about it.

Christmas morning he woke me up and told me his mother had been admitted to the hospital the night before. She went into emergency surgery to repair a ruptured stomach ulcer (most likely due to her overworking with her bad hip). We brought her gifts to the hospital where she was under authorized observation. She seemed a bit disoriented and was repeating stories within moments of having already told them. It was difficult for me to see her, so I can only imagine how hard it was for him... He went to visit her today while I was at work and returned home extremely depressed.

The other issue: There's a little one involved. My boyfriend has a little sister, a 2-year old surrogate baby. We spent time at his parents' house to give gifts and have dinner (very basic, his family isn't terribly social like mine is). The other kicker is that on top of being her older brother, my boyfriend is ALSO her godfather. All of this information is swirling around my head right now. I'm trying to find the best way to be supportive without pressuring my boyfriend into talking about what makes him uncomfortable. I have a lot of mixed feelings toward this situation and it's making me anxious.

What if my boyfriend needs to take the baby into his care? Am I ready to help with that responsibility? Do I want that responsibility right now? My boyfriend is quite terrible at planning and it'll be a very daunting task to sit him down to discuss these things. I've touched on the topic lightly before, but he's very reluctant to discuss it further. His step father is very able right now and will soon be retiring, but even he won't be that way forever.

This whole situation is raising some very important questions for me. I want to be supportive, but I also have to figure things out. My decisions from her on out have a far more profound impact than I could have anticipated so suddenly. Any guidance would be wonderful.

[bcgirl]

well it is something you two need to talk about now rather than later when his mom passes away. I'm sure your boyfriend doesn't want to deal with a little toddler running around either.....but this is what love is. You are in it through the good and the bad and the very tough times. So take a step back and ask yourself whether this boyfriend of yours is worth making your life more difficult. If he isn't...then search on craigslist for a room mate and sublease the place.

[Wakeup]

What exactly are you fretting about? You've not actually said in your post that gives lots of insight into what is going on in your's and his lives, you said that you have some concerns, but you've not shared what it is that is making you angst filled and full of doubt about things. What kind of mixed feelings do you have and where are you having them?

Is him being the legal guardian freaking you out because you think you'll have a little rug rat running around youre new pad? If so, why would it even be an issue when it's more than likely that his mother's spouse will be next in line as guardian.

[Gypsybell]

I agree you have a lot to think about in this situation and it's obvious you are a caring person or you would not be thinking several steps ahead of the situation. It could very well boil to an emotional dilemma as well as a practical choice. But you are jumping the gun and I wouldn't write an old nurse off, they are a hardy species, and Yes, there is the child's (presumable?) father. I am intrigued by the 'surrogate child' bit, can you enlarge on those circumstances? Personally, I think a 60ish woman would have to be unstable (if not crazy) to go to such lengths, or take on an infant at all. So was there pressure from her husband? Who had the burning desire to have the child in the first place?. Maybe his mother is not stable to begin with and that could be one of his worries as well. To support him or make an honest attempt, you need to know his true feelings, and yours.

Bottom line, ask yourself if you love this man enough to have HIS children before you consider taking on his infant sister. If there is any doubt then you are certainly not ready for the commitment. It would be bad for the child to be where she is not truly wanted, so honesty is pretty essential. I would discuss it sooner rather than later.You really don't have a leg to stand on if you don't know how your man feels about that side of the situation. It could well be that he is even less enthusiastic than you are, but feeling guilty about it, so just try to get his feelings on it without being judgemental.

Don't lose sight of the fact that it's unlikely he would consider it if he didn't have you to be the 'Mommy' figure and if you do take it on then you'll likely be the main carer.(It's just the way of it, Men usually don't do baby domestics if there's a women available).

Having said all that, I have raised children who were not my own and can state that if you want them and love them it is as rewarding as giving birth. (Have done that too) but it needs to be your choice. DO NOT LET ANYONE RAILROAD YOU INTO PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY. Most importantly, do you, or can you love this little girl? She could use a loving aunty figure whichever way the wind blows.

[bulrush]

we signed a 6-month lease on a new apartment

"We"?? You just violated one of Bulrush's important rules: Never sign a lease together. In case something goes wrong, one person needs to kick the other out.

As far as the baby goes, there is no evidence that he will have to take care of his 2-year old sister. So why worry about it? OTOH, you can provide some love for the little girl too. I think she would like that, even need that. And if he's so bad at organizing things, why is he the godfather? The godfather is supposed to be an organized, successful, responsible person to take care of the kid if both parents are killed.

Legally speaking, I've never heard of a case where the godfather actually got legal custody of a kid. I think the state would place the kid with relatives the kid is more familiar with. I think the godparent issue came about centuries before there were social services in place to handle orphans and place them with nearby relatives.