Long distance dilemma- honest advice needed please!

[doodie182]

Hello everyone,

I really need some good objective help right now. You see, my boyfriend is going abroad next week for five months. He is then coming back for a month before going away again for more months of study. In all he will be away around a year and a few months, but back in the summer and back at christmas, I imagine. He said that it would be best for us to not be in a technical relationship when he goes so he has freedom, but that it doesn't change his feelings for me and that he will still call me all the time, want me to come and visit and wants to be with me when he gets back for certain. He has begged me to spend the last week with him. However, I feel that this is all too convenient for HIM, because when he goes, he will still be able to call me and talk to me and have me fly out to him, keeping that side of the relationship, but at the same time he will be free to do whatever he wants, which I don't believe is fair on me. He admitted he could have sexual relations with others, but that he would never love anyone else(!) because he could only let ME in in that kind of way. He argues that all this will make us stronger in the long run, even though him being with others even physically hurts me deeply. A friend I spoke to believes he is being very self-protecting. He made this decision on his own, without taking into account what I wanted or even trying to make the relationship work. I don't know how he can claim to love me so deeply and want to be with me and will still love me when he's gone and when he comes back if he is not even willing to try. I've been messed up because I don't know whether to trust his intentions or my own instinct, which is that I am being messed about a little bit. I understand that sometimes long-distance relationships don't work out, but I would have thought that if he loves me so much and cares so deeply about us, he would have at least tried. He said that he WANTS to be with me but he can't be physically for a long time. I said that it didn't matter, that I would have fought to make us work through it because I love him so much. I would never have held him back. If he had just broken the relationship off instead, I would have had more respect for what he is doing. But he says he could never erase me from his life. I said he can't pick and choose and that with me, it's all or nothing. He either takes our relationship and tries for us or we are over altogether, I'm afraid. He can't accept this, but I said that he made his choice so he must live with the consequences of that decision. He is still adamant that his decision is right. This is awful because he is my lover and my best friend. When things are okay, we are great together. It's tearing me up. We have been together a year.

I told him today that I can no longer be in a relationship with someone who has such a self-protecting attitude and would put me at second best, whatever the situation. I feel awful- both cruel and heartbroken for doing this.

Did I make the right choice?

Please help!

[sadie_genie]

He is telling you he lacks self control and can't control his libido. You better trust him on that. He says he is going abroad to study but he is in a party mindset. Doesn't seem like the guy has matured yet so you are better off not forcing him to try making it work because he won't be able to resist the temptations.

[doodie182]

He is telling you he lacks self control and can't control his libido. You better trust him on that. He says he is going abroad to study but he is in a party mindset. Doesn't seem like the guy has matured yet so you are better off not forcing him to try making it work because he won't be able to resist the temptations.

Yeah, I guess so. Thanks for your input. Anyone else got any thoughts? I'm in a major mess over this.

[Wakeup]

I don't know how he can claim to love me so deeply and want to be with me and will still love me when he's gone and when he comes back if he is not even willing to try.

Well, he's able (or so it seems) to separate sex from love. He's telling you that he will have sex with other women (if the opportunity arises) but wants you for his life partner. In otherwords, he wants an open relationship while he is away.

You should actually be grateful that he has been truthful with you instead of just screwing around on you and he has now given you the opportunity of make an informed choice as to whether or not you can do what he tells you he wants.

By the sounds of things, you'll never be able to enjoy yourself with other men while you're heart is with him because you cannot separate sex from love like he (claims) he'll be able to pull off. I suspect you'd never be able to be happy with all those visuals of him with other sex partners that are just as poly as he wants to be so the emotional disconnect you feel will ruin your relationship in the long-run, anyway.

You might want to bite the bullet and tell him that you'd rather break up and go zero contact so that you can get over him and be open hearted enough to find someone that is more of a monogamous mind-set. Whoops.. seen you've done that already;

Did I make the right choice

Well, of course you did. You are a monogamous person and he's asking you to allow him to be polyamourous. Pffft. Even now if he says he just wants you and he'll agree to not go to be with anyone else.. do you honestly think you'll be able to trust him now?

I'm sorry. You must be hurting.

But he says he could never erase me from his life.

Well, he'll bloody well have to if you break up with him and don't fall any further for his bullshit now won't he. (no question mark necessary)

[doodie182]

Thank you. That is exactly the problem. The thought of him being with others physically makes me sick and yes, I could not imagine enjoying myself with other men because I don't separate sex from love.

The other problem is this- I am a weakling and a sucker. He will talk me round and cry and beg yet never changes he mind about what he wants, so I don't see the point. He can't seem to accept MY side of things, that I would rather maintain my self-respect rather than be kept around as a hang-on or an emotional safety blanket for him. He keeps hanging onto me. And I give in because I feel sorry for him. It's pathetic. It's because we've shared so many memories and good times, but I feel very betrayed now. He gave up, not me.

He can't seem to accept that he can't have everything the way he wants and that there are consequences that come along with the choice he's made. If I really were the most important thing as he claims, he would choose me altogether instead of the path he is taking. I would have made this work, but not to be kept around as someone he knows he can come back to when it's all over. I think, and hope I deserve better than that.

[pisces25]

Break up with him and stay strong. Use this as an opportunity to not be a weakling and a sucker. He is doing this because he KNOWS you will eventually come around to his idea coz you are 'weak' (people prey on our weaknesses). Well, you are not weak and if you are it is something you will carry through your whole life so best be working on that right NOW rather than spend your life as a doormat. Let him go. You are at different stages in life. It's natural.

[Wakeup]

I think, and hope I deserve better than that.

Sister, you know you deserve better than that. That's why as tuff as it is, you have enough sense and self-worth not to settle for being shelved until he comes back.

If I were you I wouldn't respond to any of his correspondence. It will be too easy for you to cave, then fly to him when you're in the throws of missing him which means he then gets what he wanted all along and you didn't want at all.

Me? I may go back to him once his schooling was over IF I WAS STILL SINGLE but, like you.. I'd wish him farewell at this point.

Good luck and take strength from the fact you did what was in your own best interests. It hurts now but it will get better in time.

[doodie182]

Sister, you know you deserve better than that. That's why as tuff as it is, you have enough sense and self-worth not to settle for being shelved until he comes back.

If I were you I wouldn't respond to any of his correspondence. It will be too easy for you to cave, then fly to him when you're in the throws of missing him which means he then gets what he wanted all along and you didn't want at all.

Me? I may go back to him once his schooling was over IF I WAS STILL SINGLE but, like you.. I'd wish him farewell at this point.

Good luck and take strength from the fact you did what was in your own best interests. It hurts now but it will get better in time.

I fully agree. Maybe in the future, when all this is done, all the bitterness has gone and perhaps if he grows up a bit then maybe something can happen for us later on. But for now I am getting a bit of self-respect and letting go. It's time I trusted and treated MYSELF better, I think. I won't wait around to let him keep calling me when he's lonely and then hurt me by sleeping with someone else. Absolutely not. Thank you for your advice!

[smackie9]

He did the right thing...you two are young, this should be the best time in your lives to have different experiences. He is traveling abroad for months......being in a relationship is pointless. I know your heart says you are in love so you should be together.....but that isn't always the case. Now I agree he shouldn't be saying things like I will be fooling around possibly but I will be back to be with you when I'm on break....that's BS. He is finding it hard to let you go, and feels bad that he has put you in this position, but he is thinking realistically in a sense, he knows he has needs and wants to lay it out so he doesn't cheat on you behind your back.....he is being quite honest with you and well if it's any consolation that's a positive in all this. I know it sucks, but he has his mind made up. Never regret your decision to end it. You are not on board with this "open" relationship or FWB, and that's OK...I agree with you on that, it's not what you want so shove off buddy.