Unexpectedly emotional about moving on

[z-girl]

I'm new here, and surprised to be here, but I'm learning that I need some help as I can't do this alone. I know all the advice about moving on and I'm doing pretty well at all that, but...... something else needs to happen for me to heal all the way, and I don't know what it is. Please help!

Here's my story: 4 and a half years ago I was unhappily married with two kids. My (now ex) husband and I had drifted apart after I had two miscarriages, and he raped me a couple of times in frustration while I was pretty depressed after the second one. Anyway, we were hanging on - not fighting, but not close. The only thing we did together was be a team as parents, for our two girls.

At that time, I changed jobs and fell immediately and devastatingly in love with my married boss (call him Pim), at first sight. I was 33 years old, and I'm a serious and reserved person. This was totally unexpected and completely impossible for me to resist. I know he knew something was not right, as he canceled me accompanying him on a work trip that I was supposed to go to. When he got back, I told him that I was struggling to work for him as I was attracted to everything about him. He said he felt the same way. Then I did something I still regret (even though I still also think it was the right thing to do): I told him I would never act on my feelings, and he shouldn't either, and we made a promise to each other to be "just friends". Two months later, my (now ex) husband and I separated.

For the next two years, both Pim and I were on an emotional roller-coaster. When I was weak and started crossing the line, he stopped me; when he was weak and did the same, I stopped him. We had fantastic times and absolutely wretched times. But we NEVER EVER did anything physical at all, nor did we ever get intimate in our conversations.

But even so, being with Pim made me more than I was by myself. I felt at home with him. He opened me up, and while I knew him I changed and grew, learned things I never would have, and became more whole. I don't know how to explain it.... he just was the missing piece that I needed to progress as a person.

I finally quit my job 2 and half years ago as I couldn't take the strain any longer. Pim didn't lead me on, he always said he loved his wife (I didn't believe him!) and that he would never leave her. I just couldn't bear to be near him and know I would never have him. So I left - I moved in the middle of the recession. I had two small kids, and I moved to a new city, where I couldn't find a job. I had no money, I got depressed..... etc.

Well, to move on..... I've been back on my feet for the last 18 months - financially independent again, successful at work, being a good mom. I feel good about myself.

Last week my kids decided I needed to start dating, so they signed me up for eHarmony! I agree - it's time!! But..... I've been having the most awful nightmares (atom bomb wiping out my family was the most recent one), and I've started missing Pim again. I want to leave him behind! I had left him.

What can I do to move on? I don't want this baggage, this feeling that I'm betraying Pim by moving forward, to stop me from allowing someone wonderful into my life again. I think I feel like this because there was no closure. We'd spent all our time together avoiding talking about our feelings, and I left the same way. But I can't call him and talk about all that now, or can I? I know I no longer want to try to win him to me - I'm really past that...

What should I do? Call him and get some closure? Make an effigy and burn it to say goodbye (it's been suggested!)? Just get more busy and push these thoughts away and ignore the awful dreams? I'm so tired of crying over losing Pim.... this has got to end.

[gardenofjade]

Pim is married, right? He's never going to leave his wife. How about if you make a list of the things you liked about him and seek those qualities in a new man. You should be excited about dating and the possibilities. Be confident and secure. You are a strong independent woman!!!