My soulmate really doesn't care?

[SoAlone38]

So I've been making diary-like entries about my girlfriend who I've been seeing for over 7 months. At the start it was all about how well we'd work together as a couple, then the 'I love you's came out, and keeping note of specific events, dates, etc. all just to be clear about my feelings with her, as I'd never cared enough to do this with anyone else I'd gone out with before. We started out as friends with mutal interests, far more in common as friends than anyone else I'd ever known. Making the jump into a relationship wasn't that hard, it just took more commitment and love to keep us going, but we'd never had any arguments or disagreements, bickering, etc. which was refreshing.. finally I thought I'd found someone who was accepting me for who I am. Here's an excerpt from what I wrote today...

"We went out for the weekend and the whole time, again in public, she didn't want to be anywhere near me. Walking next to me for her was enough. When I wanted to hold her hand, as always, eventually, she was the one to let go. From last night's conversation and disagreements at her house, I've come to these conclusions... the best relationships still need work. She and I have a good relationship basis but still the details need work. I can't readily change who I am or what I do but neither can she. The details are what I'm most concerned with. Our mismatches:
- She's not affectionate or tactile, or likes to show it, but I am and I don't care who notices.
- She doesn't make moves on me (maybe 1 time in 100 she'll make a move on me, which surprises me), but I'm nearly always the one to make moves on her.
- She won't meet and greet me outside her house, ever.. but I'll make every effort to do this with her.
- She never looks me in the eyes romantically even though I want to spend a lot of time looking at her.
- After last night it feels like a part of my soul is dead after we couldn't come to an agreement on these and more things. What am I supposed to do to fix this? What can we do?
We discussed moving in together as well, I told her the obstacles that I'd be facing in trying to keep up, I'd need more work, etc. but still, what would this achieve? TO WHAT END would I be moving in with her? Her security? Her feeling better that I'm around more often? I don't think it will work in the immediate sense because we still have a lot of ground to cover before we can once again feel 'happy' in this relationship. Part of this explained below..
The one thing that I've come to know about her is that she lacks the feelings and emotions that I have for her. I love her, and she will openly say she loves me.. but showing it is a very big deal. I really don't know how much longer this can go on for, before something has to give.
An addendum to last night's entry, the 'small things' that I've also noticed are that she never suggests a photo together, she never has a picture of us together on Facebook, but I do. The kick in the teeth for me is that she got a photo of a cardboard cutout of a fictional character and put it up on her FB page, but there's nothing of us being together on there (except one group-shot from a wedding we went to). I was the one who suggested to get her 'missing gap' (8" x 6") photo frame filled up with a pic of us. SHE'S NEVER SUGGESTED ANY OF THIS, and if things keep going the way they are this relationship will fall to pieces. Why? It's because she says she loves me but she will never really show she cares. All these things I've done because I've shown that I care. I believe it's the inequality and the balance of us in this relationship that will soon fall apart. The inequality exists because I'm around for her benefit, part of her stability and confidence, but I still really can't see why, and to a large extent I feel like I'm being used. The amazing thing in all of this is that she doesn't feel like she's done anything wrong.. that this is normal for her and there's nothing strange about what she does. I still feel like I have to chase her for everything, and even then she'll give little in return, moreso in a romantic sense. I feel no appreciation for what I do either, after I got her a shirt in the USA she's never worn it and probably never will. Right now I feel so unappreciated. The worrying thing for me is that's it's taken me this long, over 7 months to realise that she really doesn't care. Her parents will support her and tell her that she's not doing anything wrong too. Maybe if I seem less interested in her then she will notice?... I don't know, the damage has been done and can't be undone. I don't know what more I can do, but something has to be done soon."

Anyway I'd like to hear some thoughts about this, as it's been festering too long and I need to do something. Thanks

[Boisdevie]

Something has to be done all right - you dump her and find someone who does care about you.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Send her a text message, telling her that you don't feel she pulls her weight in the relationship and it's over.

You're too into this girl, that really doesn't care, and you need to cut it off hard. Doing it with a text message is an extra, **** you.

If you decide to do it in person, you should say the same thing, and just get and leave when she starts crying(which she may not even do).

[Saya]

Is this her first relationship?
I'm not sure how old you are, but my first relationship was when I was a teenager and it lasted 6-7months.... I didn't put any effort, he loved me, but I didn't. I could see that he loved me and cared about me a lot, but I really didn't.
To able to make the relationship work, you two need to have good communication and understanding of each other and meeting their needs.
At the moment your the only one who is putting so much effort and trying to make the relationship work and she isn't.
Most likely, it took you this long to realize it is because you probably love her so much and was blinded by love.
I am not sure if she actually loves you that much.... there is different types of love and yours and hers aren't the same kind of love.

If I love someone so much then I wouldn't want to lose that person and want to be with that person so much so I would definitely put a lot of effort into a relationship to able to make it work.

And with your situation, she isn't doing anything really...so you either talk to her about this again and if nothing changes then, maybe it is time to break it off?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Also, she is definitely not your soulmate and you'd be much better served to stop thinking in terms of nonsense like that.

[Cerby]

Also, she is definitely not your soulmate and you'd be much better served to stop thinking in terms of nonsense like that.

Agreed, the term itself is a pile of BS and you're foolish for thinking someone like this would even fit your term "soulmate".

That aside, She just isn't compatible with you, you're a touch on the needy side and she is clearly introverted when it comes to emotion. Just break it off, you can't expect people to change, and its better you learn this early in the relationship than later.

[HeartIsAching]

She's not your soulmate. Your soulmate will be as all about you as you are about them.

I disagree with Cerby about soulmates not existing, though. Probably because I'm married to mine.

[SoAlone38]

Agreed, the term itself is a pile of BS and you're foolish for thinking someone like this would even fit your term "soulmate".

That aside, She just isn't compatible with you, you're a touch on the needy side and she is clearly introverted when it comes to emotion. Just break it off, you can't expect people to change, and its better you learn this early in the relationship than later.

Thanks for the replies so far, I wanted to call her my soulmate because from all the relationships I've had, she'd nothing like any of them and she's just more fundamentally like me (likes fictional sci-fi, a bit of a nerd, plays games on PC, etc.), but sadly not when it comes to emotional needs. However, she does have self esteem issues and she's not very experienced with guys. That being said, I've never put pressure on her for anything, and I've made it clear to her that I never wanted to do anything like that, so she knows this. Even with all this onboard, she's more intent on keeping up a happy face in public and being 'herself' but nothing much about our love for each other is ever known to anyone else. At home I might as well be another piece of furniture.. but I'm sorry I don't think I'm needy at all between us and the fundamental emotional basics of our relationship. I may have some more old-fashioned values than she does but I still require the same emotional stimulation and fulfilment that every over human does.

I've told her before I never wanted her to change unless she actally wanted to, and therein lies the key aspect.. the 'want' to change. Everyone in a new relationship makes some kind of changes for their partner, be they moving away from where they are to be with them or just the unconscious extra little gesture that soon becomes part of their behaviour. I believe this all stems from the want to do something for that partner so that they mean something special to them in their lives, and not by force and having the partner they're with making them do something that makes them feel uncomfortable.

I won't defend her actions but she's clearly not as confident or experienced as I am when it comes to being together especially in public. However if actions alone were to justify her motive for what she's doing then I'm still left wondering if she's consciously aware of what she's doing all the time, or, more likely, that she just doesn't hold me in such high regard as I do for her. I try as I might to empathise with her situation, and from each aspect that I know of I'm still sitting here silently shaking my head, instead of thinking of her fondly and turning the corners of my mouth up. She suggested a break between us (for her a break is the next time I see her which is the end of the week, and no contact between each other until then) because she didn't know how to handle what was going on and my reactions to her actions. I'm not a violent person but if my voice is emotion-driven then sometimes it does get raised slightly. I believe my issue is that I think with my heart with her, when really I should be listening to the warning bells I know so well and thinking with my head instead.

[Cerby]

Even if you do believe in soulmates, HiA does, I don't, if that person was out there, the relationship would work flawlessly from day one, no problems no pain other than a casual disagreement. You shouldn't ever feel neglected in a relationship as you clearly do. If you have the experience, then you know you need to walk away from this.

Don't let your vision of what it should be cloud what it actually is.

[HeartIsAching]

Even if you do believe in soulmates, HiA does, I don't, if that person was out there, the relationship would work flawlessly from day one, no problems no pain other than a casual disagreement. You shouldn't ever feel neglected in a relationship as you clearly do. If you have the experience, then you know you need to walk away from this.

Don't let your vision of what it should be cloud what it actually is.

I think that's unreasonably idealistic. My wife is my soulmate. That doesn't mean everything is flawless, it just means that she's the one I'm supposed to be with. We don't always agree, but we never fight. We like NEARLY all the same things, but not everything. I can't stand the Grateful Dead, for example... but I don't make fun or otherwise make it un-enjoyable for her when she puts on some of their "music"... I usually just tune it out.

Chances are, if she likes a movie and I've never seen it, I'll like it when I do. She's introduced me to It's a Wonderful Life and I enjoyed it, as well as Fried Green Tomatoes. She doesn't as a rule like horror movies, but I got her to watch Shawn of the Dead and Zombieland and loved both of them. We think the same things are funny, we want the same things for dinner independently of each other, and when we cook together... well, I'm a good cook, my wife's a better cook and when we cook together, we make some phenomenal shit.

We're not flawless... but we're damned good.

IMHO, the part you should pay attention to most in Cerby's post is the part I bolded. That's very very true - don't let unreasonable expectations interfere with what is actually there. Live in the real world.

[IndiReloaded]

Here's my take on soulmates. I assume the standard use of the term whereby a couple is somehow cosmically destined to be together.

People who claim a soulmate often use this as an excuse for some urgency to be together. One will read about this here about people who are cheating with a married partner but justify it because they are *soulmates*!

Thing is, if you believe in the concept as I describe above, then you must believe you *will* be together eventually, in this life or the next or the next... etc. So no real urgency, right? If your partner is taken, then just wait. The love of real soulmates will never end and they will eventually find each other.

Now, if you *don't* believe in soulmates you have to apply a different formula. Back to our cheating 'soulmate' couple example. If you believe this is it and life is just one kick at the can, then the decision becomes weighing personal happiness against, say, raising healthy, responsible children who will become productive members of society (and survive to pass on their well-adjusted genes). The disruptive effects of an affair on a family unit should, by that logic, outweigh the emotional rush of that 'soulmate' connection. So one either breaks off an affair, or waits (like HIA did) until the time is right. Or if no children, then personal happiness vs. the meaning of a marriage commitment.

So, I guess my point is that however you look at it, this whole 'soulmate' thing is really silly to put so much urgency on. If you are both free and the timing is right, make it work. If not, wait. Live your life, meantime. Shrug.

[IndiReloaded]

Cerby - this is a great sig quote. LOL.

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, simply surrounded by assholes."

[SoAlone38]

Thanks once again for all the replies. I remember a quote that sounded something like "don't let someone treat you as #2 in their life if you've been treating them as #1 because they're not worth the time and effort you put into them" or something similar to that, but I can't remember who said it. I think it's up on facebook maybe. Something else about her, she'll never dominate or instigate (except an event she wants to go to and she always invites me), mostly because I think she needs someone to be around (like myself and/or her sisters) to keep her esteem up and not feel intimidated by everything around her. I believe she's of sound mind, she has a uni degree, but she has little experience with dealing with situations outside her own messed-up family. I think that could be part of the problem too because she is used to doing things for her younger siblings when her mother can't, and while that kind of dependence comes in handy later in life for when/if she has kids, I believe it's something that should be of a secondary nature outside of her family for right now. She doesn't deal with conflict well, obviously doesn't like it when we have disagreements but neither of us do.. but the cause of these disagreements is she wants more stability in her life and I just want someone to love and care about without all these little inside hang-ups. Ok even if we discard the "soulmate" tag, I've never gotten along with anyone better than I have with her because we have that much in common outside of our relationship, but we're driven by our love to be more than just friends. The fact that she doesn't even take notice of me (doesn't even look at me and smile, etc.) like when she's walking from one room to the other and passing me along the way says to me just how much she takes me for granted, and I'm not sure how much more of this behaviour I can tolerate. It takes a MASSIVE amount of change and behavioural modification to get her up to par with me, and I really don't know if she can do that, but I'm sure willing to give it a go. I tihnk the bottom line is that her priorities while in a relationship need a big shake-up and she can't always put me as 2nd-best.. especially when I go out of my way to keep her happy.

Anyway we'll find out tomorrow when we see each other again, which admittedly I'm a bit apprehensive about.

[HeartIsAching]

Thing is, if you believe in the concept as I describe above, then you must believe you *will* be together eventually, in this life or the next or the next... etc. So no real urgency, right? If your partner is taken, then just wait. The love of real soulmates will never end and they will eventually find each other.

That's a huge part of what I meant. Didn't really explain that part at all well... or maybe at all. We met 20 years ago. We should not have carried on at the level we did, and eventually we did our damndest to stop it. Hell, she moved halfway across the country to get some space. I honestly thought I'd never see her again and I did *not* understand what caused that dead spot in me afterwards. I did not get that rather than feel *that*, I'd chosen instead to feel nothing at all. Friends and family remarked on it when she called me a couple of years ago. I had friends I'd known for years say "What the hell happened to the grumpy asshole we've all come to know and love?" and "You're smiling. I've never seen you smile. Who'd you kill?"

My own sister told me that she'd not heard me happy in 10 years.

She thought she'd see me again, but she thought it'd be when we were old(er), on a park bench somewhere feeding the pigeons.

The universe made sure we got together, but not until both of us learned some things we needed to learn.

[dnna1]

Won't comfort you, only can say, I care about you