Please help me understand?

[Please]

My boyfriend moved away about a year ago and since then we've been long distance (obviously.) I get to see him about once a month, three times if he has time off from work and it's not a school day (we're in college.) Im complaining because I know there are people who get to see their lover less than that and for more extreme reasons.*
That isnt my issue. Its not that I dont trust him, or that I think he's cheating on me either.*
My problem is, whenever I dont see him for a while, I go into this defense mode where I cant exactly feel love for him, but I know its there. This lasts until I see him again, and even if hes there infront of my face, it takes me a while to get out of it. Just as I start to, he has to leave *
During this defense time, I get real sour and im quick to anger. When we fight now, my mind goes straight to "Do I love him? Should we break up?" And it shouldnt. Ive followed my thoughts about 2 times and both times I ended up back with him because I realized how stupid I sounded. Even while breaking up with him, my brain screams, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?! YOU LOVE HIM. DONT THROW THIS AWAY."*
He really is the only one I want to be with. I just want to know why I think this way..*
I know when he comes back home, everything will be fine.. This is emotionally draining for me.

[Treb]

I'm not sure I can help you understand your own feelings, but I can vouch that if my girlfriend was away and I only saw her once a month, I'd be freaking out too. I've never had a long distance relationship but I kind of have this general rule when it comes to relationships. If you broke up, it was for a reason and you shouldn't get together again. At the same time, while I got back with one girl and it ended up terribly, I did get into a relationship with another girl again and it ended up much better. Now the thing is, she was upset over something quite silly (in my opinion) and just didn't know how to communicate her feelings yet. The "break-up" lasted maybe five hours, the whole time in which we were talking and fixing the problem. So it kind of depends on how long you were actually "broken-up" and if you're communicating your feelings effectively or not.