We broke up around a month ago, it was a mutual decision based on a number of things mainly we hadn't been getting on as well as we once were and would both be moving to different countries for a year for work placements. We were going to remain friends and see if we could come back together.
So a month on we are still living together we had a few little arguments but always made up. Until last Sunday. We work together and it was staff night out, we went for a meal then drinks. We sat next to one another at the meal, but later when we started drinking we didn't spend much time together.
I spent most of the night with another girl we work with who I get on really well with, and we are quite playful together. Later that night we get a taxi home my Ex is in the front of the car, I thought she was sleeping and I was chatting with girl in the back. I got her number so we could keep in touch. She is also moving away next week and I know she was pretty sad about going; I was just trying to be a good friend. When we go back to home town, the Taxi driver would make only stop near mine and my Ex's home. I said I would walk this other girl home if my Ex is ok to just cross street by herself.
Walked the girl home and then I came straight back. I look into my Ex's room make sure she is in bed ok. She's not there; I go out on the street looking for her text a couple of her friends no reply. I waited up for a couple hours, and then managed a couple of hour’s bad sleep till when she got home.
She quickly said something offhand about me saying something along the lines of "Are you still here" to her during the night but I couldn't understand her properly.
The next morning I am hangover not the best time to try talk to her but I stupidly tried I thought she was just mad. I told her I didn't know why she was upset, if I was acting If I don’t care about her it’s just because I'm drunk and at party. I'm not trying to fuss over her I’m trying to give her own space but if she is jealous she doesn’t have to be. It just makes her more upset. She say I have broken heart worse than anyone else has before. I realise I am an asshole for trying to phrase my apology this way.
The next day I leave her, she disappears at the night again. I go into her she has ripped up a photo of us and there is a red note book, its closed but on seat facing door. I flick through it there is a note but I’m not sure she wanted me to read it yet so I didn’t. I can see it mentions my previous girlfriend and how upset she really is, that she actually hates me.
At one point I got a few more words out of her, she says she heard me saying I love this girl I was talking to in the back of the car, but I don’t know why she would think i would say this. Or she is mistaking me saying it in a friendly way. I can say for 100% I had no intentions of hitting on this girl I know she had a new boyfriend and we had been discussing me and my ex's break up during the walk home. I don't know her that well, she was moving away I was just using it as a chance to get to know her.
Up to this point I really believed I had done nothing wrong, I texted my friends to ask if they knew if I had said or done anything to upset her prior to the drive home to upset her. But it seems this is the full story. And now I reflect on it. I see how insensitive I have been. I didn't mean to hurt her, the thought that I may be making her jealous never even entered my head and I know that in itself is a bad thing.
Now that we have been broken up there is some distance between us, when she would be upset I should be able to sense it and I couldn't. I was prioritising a new friendship over her. It is wrong regardless of my intentions.
3 days later she still won't look at me, I asked again if she feels she could talk "just leave was the only response."
She is suffering and it is my fault, I don't know if I can fix this.... If I tell her all of this, I tell her all this with 100% honesty, that she has nothing to be jealous about. The fact is she has right to be jealous and I didn't even consider her feelings at the time, cause right then I didn't feel I was doing anything wrong.
The comments that she said regarding me saying "Oh are you still here" and her thinking I said I love this girl I just don't understand. The former at one point I thought she had gotten lift home off friend, I may have said this in an uncaring manner. But the latter I just didn't say that...
I spent quite a while taking with a mutual friend, I told her how I had crush on another girl but realised I was being stupid and just using it as a distraction from my break up with my Ex. I told her how much I love my ex, how I don't think I'll find anyone whose personality matches mine as well who has so much in common with me for I don't know how long.
The thing that annoys me most is whenever someone asks me "Living together must be awkward, how are you both doing? etc etc." My response is always the same, "It's a little weird but we are making it work because we want it" I honestly felt great about us up to the night, and for most of the party. I felt a little down when the fun of the drinking games started winding down I felt a little alone, I felt a little emptiness, where my ex would be. But I didn't think about how she was feeling then, I didn’t think about the big picture, I was just being selfish. As me just having fun was best way for me to heal and that has in turn done all this damage.
I think right now she is in so much pain, she is getting trying to get rid of all feelings for me. I don't know how to comfort her, she said she was so sad at one point she felt suicidal. I don't think she means it but she keeps going out at night, I can't sleep I'm just waiting for her to get home. We both have exams coming up so this is such a bad time. I don't know what to do.
Should I just let her move on? I want to ask for forgiveness but I know she has said in the past I only want that to make myself feel better. But I do care for her, I just don’t know why I have been so stupid. She recently booked her flight tickets and it made me realise how we won’t be able to share Christmas and the summer together like we did last year and it breaks my heart too. I wish I had told her this sooner, but we were trying to not be so co-dependent. Now she won’t need me, and I will have shame and regret like I have in the past.
Any advice? Thank you in advance,
lbnine