Why do I behave like this?

[antoniawood]

Hi I'm a newbie here and hope that you can help me identify why i do the things I do. It's going to be a long one!

I am 38 years old, on my second marriage with 2 children aged 13 and 9 from my first.

Up until I met my first husband, I was a normal 20 something with career ambitions and never short of a boyfriend. I met him when I was 23, saw him on and off for a year and then started dating him properly. He is 14 years older than me, was very flash, successful and charming. However, and what I didn't see/didn't choose to see was his controlling side. At 25 I got pregnant by accident and chose to keep the baby. At 12 weeks pregnant he kicked me out and I had to move home as I had rented my house out. My daughter was born, we saw him regularly and he doted on his daughter. Occasionally we would sleep together and he would continue to play mind games with me. Too cut a very long story short, we got back together when she was 2, resulting in me ending a relationship I was then in with a lovely guy the same age of me. A year or so later, my son was born and we got married.

In this time, he forced me to give up a promising career and we moved out to the country and bought our dream home. he had a very successful business and we lived the dream life. But to me it wasn't enough. Looking back i suppose I resented him forcing me to give up my career to wait on him hand and foot.

There were good times, but a majority of the time, he was cruel, humiliated me in front of my friends, controlled me and I wasn't allowed an evening out with friends and got constantly accused of having an affair. In the end I had no self confidence and was desperately unhappy.

Then 3 1/2 years ago, I started an affair with someone I had known for 10 years. He had a girlfriend, nothing serious and was the complete opposite to my husband. Penniless, the same age as me, sexy, fun and he swept me off my feet. I asked my husband for a divorce and as you can imagine, the 12 months that followed were fairly traumatic.

Anyway, I bought a house out of my divorce settlement and soon after my new BF proposed. I was sooooo happy and my kids adore him. I got back into the career I had left (becoming a successful Sales Director), a high salary, company car etc etc. My new BF then announced he had had enough of his job and had resigned. We were in the middle of a recession !!!!! He couldn't find work and i supported us all financially. On top of that, I discovered he had an addiction to watching porn. We went through a real rocky patch but got married 12 months ago. I had my doubts at the time, but I kept telling myself not to be so shallow and superficial and that this man really did adore me. (Which he does!)

He did find a new job and things are better financially, the sex is great and he is a lovely caring person. However, he is the complete opposite to me. I love nice clothes, shoes, holidays and take pride in my appearance. He does not. He is untidy, I am meticulous. The thing that bothers me most of all, and please feel free to have a go at me, is HIS TEETH. He didn't brush them. As a subtle hint, I bought him an electric toothbrush and made sure he heard me when I lectured the kids about looking after their teeth. He has very few molars left and has now broken a front tooth! he won't do anything about it and i feel embarrassed to go out with him. But I don't think this is the real root of my problem.

I am extremely career driven and motivated, I am in a male dominated industry and men both adore and respect me. i am well known in my field and i adore my job. I love the attention and I can get off on it if you know what I mean. I always seem to be looking for something better and have the desire to better myself. I don't go sleeping around but a good flirt can be good for business. I have analysed why I am this way and i have come to the conclusion that i am perhaps one of these people who will never be happy.

My main problem is communicating with my husband, he doesn't talk to me and i need to TALK! He doesn't understand my job or the pressures that go with it and sometimes I wish he would grow a pair of balls and act more like a man. i have to sort everything out at home from DIY to paying the bills. Biut I do love him, but probably more as a friend ?????? I'm not sure.

Now, and something after my first husband I vowed never to do again, I have/am about to get involved with someone I know through work. He is married (unhappily), is successful and runs a large company (albeit not his own), understands how I feel, shares the same passions as me, is kind and caring (possibly a bit needy but it is early days) and makes me laugh! He isn't a flashy dresser or doesn't drive a flashy car but he is a real man! He knows how to do DIY, look after things and take control of his life and actions.

Part of me is thinking, hell yeah, go for this and the other part of me is saying that I don't want to destroy 2 families. My kids are settled, and I have a great friendship now with my 1st husband. Why can't i settle for a man who doesn't share the same ambition as me, dresses untidily, doesn't look after himself but does adore me!

I am scared. If I leave yet another marriage (my parents will KILL me!) am i just going to be just as discontented (for different reasons) if I settle with this new man? I must have a massive psychological problem and it is worrying me. I am well educated and had a fantastic childhood but why do I have this desire to look for something better?

It would be great to have some neutral feedback rather than discussing it with my friends.

Thank you for taking the time to read this incredibly long post!

[asdfg789]

it would seem that you dont take time or effort to know your spouse-to-be well enough. you will only see the nice side of the person during the honeymoon period but once that is over, you find that he is not the person you wanted !

rather than jump into another potential disaster, decide if you can save your current marriage. accept that things are never going to be perfect no matter how perfect they look before you get into it.

you need to make some fundamental changes to yourself in order to stop this cycle.

just my 0.02 (:

[Jason250]

it is amazing

[dem862]

Why do you even want a man? You apparently think you are a highly successful, independent woman. Are you trying to find a man who will make you feel better about yourself? Because if you are, that is not really the purpose of a relationship. I am detecting perhaps some personality disorder traits in your post that strongly suggest borderline/narcissistic/histrionic and with an odd touch of dependent personality.

Since you have set your sights on a "real man," I venture to say you have made up your mind that your current relationship is over and it is only a matter of time until you lower the boom on your husband, and he probably won't even see it coming. I don't think there is much hope in resurrecting your love with your husband and you have already "friend zoned" him. And it seems like you think the time to "try to make it work" is over. I would encourage you to just be single for a while, perhaps a year or two, and not jump into another attempt at a relationship that will probably fail when you realize that is no such thing as a "real man."

[IndiReloaded]

You won't like me for posting this but: you sound like an ongoing disaster. You blame your ex for your bad choices. He *made* you give up a promising career? Sounds to me like you could have decided to not have your children or even keep your legs closed.

So. Truth hurts. Your choices are your own to bear. Also your childrens, unfortunately. Try to manage some stability for their sake. If your husband is abusive, then by all means get rid of him. But I suspect he's more likely a long-suffering man who has issues of his own (who doesn't) but is trying to accommodate a bipolar, high-maintenence wife with high expectations. But wait--he's raising another guys child, right? Gee, he sounds pretty nice to me.

Suck it up for another 10 years. Get counselling or find a way to cope until your kids are grown up. You lost your chance at selfish happiness when you *chose* to have children. Grow up already.

[IndiReloaded]

Why do you even want a man? You apparently think you are a highly successful, independent woman. Are you trying to find a man who will make you feel better about yourself? Because if you are, that is not really the purpose of a relationship. I am detecting perhaps some personality disorder traits in your post that strongly suggest borderline/narcissistic/histrionic and with an odd touch of dependent personality.

This^. Sorry, OP, but this is how you come across.

[Wakeup]

Instead of subjecting your innocent children to yet another "daddy" I suggest you learn to actually be independent and stop dating all together until you learn to actually believe what you write about yourself. You sound like a person who is lacking in self esteem (even though to talk a good talk about yourself). You jump from one disaster to another without even getting to know who you're marrying. Why? What is missing in you that you keep doing the same thing while you blame your current future ex and make yourself out to be a victim instead of taking responsibility for what you allowed yourself to do even when you knew you didn't want to do it.

I agree that some single time is needed while you figure yourself out preferably with the help of a therapist who will guide you to actually being happy in your own skin.

I don't agree with staying with someone for the sake of the children. I see no benefit to them watching their parents be indifferent to one another or worse.. arguing shrews around them but I do agree with marriage councelling to help you regain emotional connections to one another. You might want to consider that along with the personal therapy to see if you can reconnect with the help of a unbiased mediator.

Quit seeking out strange men to replace the one's you've already chosen. These men know you are married and are willing to help you cheat.. How "good" of a partner do you honestly think someone would make that is willing to cheat?

I'm thinking anyone who would be worth having would be thinking that same thing about you as well.

[Cerby]

When I read it I came to the conclusion that you get married in order to feel complete. You haven't spent the time to actually get to know these people, their perks and shortcomings, etc. He is messy, unfashionable, and has bad teeth. All of these would be stunningly apparent BEFORE you decided to get married for whatever reason.

So hell, this isn't the perfect man, so why not go out and be the perfect woman and cheat on your marriage AGAIN? Try couples counselling or something, sounds like you have the money for it.

[Jason250]

Thanks for your post

[Jason278]

Thanks for your post.