boyfriends best friend is female

[jdubb1980]

I've been dating a man for about 4 months now. He has a female friend who in past has told me that he would date her if she didn't have kids this was a drunken conversation but nonetheless it was said. This woman has also told him I may not be good foe him that I might cheat on him. She got that idea from a party at his place where I went to restroom with my best friend we came out and someone asked what we were doing in thee and jokingly said "making out" It was a joke.

He has told me and I quote "we talk about everything together because we are each others sounding boards for life" I understand that we have been dating only a short time. But id hope that eventually ill be the sounding board in his life.
He speaks to this woman everyday and all day. They have ingoing texts conversations. She has slippers at his house. She comes over for coffee in morning and late at night after she is off work as a bartender. .
They go out fishing together or disc golfing frequently.

He has told me they are not sleeping together and I believe that.

I have voiced my concern about the amount of communication they have and how much time they spend together and he seemed to get really defensive.

I am not the jealous type or controlling type. I too have friends of opposite sex. But none that I talk to everyday, see everyday, confide everything in.

I feel like I share every aspect of having a boyfriend with her except the intimacy part.

He is 38 I'm 31 and we are both looking for a long term commitment. But I don't want to share everything about him with her beside sex.

[jdubb1980]

How much communication is too much?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Just leave now. There is no winning in this situation. You either swallow your feelings, or you freak out and become the controlling bitch g/f. Just tell him that their contact is too much for you, and you'd like to bow out gracefully before you start to feel insecure about the relationship and things get ugly. Suggest that he should date her, because no woman is going to accept their boundless friendship.

If you really want to be a baby about it, and drag things out, then just distance yourself from him and stop spending as much time with him.

[jdubb1980]

I am very attracted to him and we have a lot in common and have a ton of fun. He says that his relationship with her has been a problem with his previous girlfriends as well. He says there is no romantic feelings.

He wonders why I have a problem and tells me I'm insecure. I am not insecure. I just want to have a special bond with him other than sex that he doesn't share with her.

[Wakeup]

I've been dating a man for about 4 months now. He has a female friend who in past has told me that he would date her if she didn't have kids.

Total and brilliant red flag. It's only been 4 months. Tell him you don't think you want to be in a relationship where he's having an emotional affair with his "friend" and wish him luck.

This will not be the first good woman his lost over his obesession with a girl he'd "date if she didn't have kids." I'd bet my next weeks salary that he's ****ed her on and off for years.

[bluesummer]

I agree with Wakeup. This is a massive red flag. Everything he's been saying reeks of him wanting this girl.

It's not insecurity on your part, and if he wants to call it that, that's his deal. What it really is a case of is HIM being in utter DENIAL. Run away, run away.

[Wakeup]

He says there is no romantic feelings.

Yet he'd date her if she didn't have kids." You need to listen to what he's saying... not just what you want to hear.

[bluesummer]

It's not about the AMOUNT of communication completely. I mean, he blew you off to go hang with her on a boat. Then while you're fighting about this issue he's texting her during your fight? Do you not see where all of this is completely disrespectful?

You've only been together 4 months and therefore don't have much invested in this relationship. He's with you because for some weird reason he won't date her because she has kids. There is just so much wrong with all of this; I can't wrap my head around why you think the eventual breakup is worth it.

[Jason278]

Thanks for your post

[Wakeup]

Ok ok so today we had very lenghty discussion and it seemed better and he said that he will limit their communication until I was comfortable.

Once again you're listening to what you want to hear (and he knows exactly what to say to shut you up for a while).

You should have set boundaries when you were discussing this and when he said he'd cut communication with her you should have set those boundaries at that point. The first boundary being that they DO NOT spend anymore one-on-one date like activities with one another anymore. He totally disrespected you and all he had to do was tell you he'd "cut out some communication with her" and you settled down.

Write up what is and isn't acceptable behaviour to you and then show it to him. If he doesnt' agree with the very fundamental relationship boundary of giving up dating this women while he's with you, then you're a fool to stay with him and you deserve what he gives you. Sorry, but that's the truth and you'd tell any of your female friends the same thing if their bf was disrespecting them in this manner.

Why doesn't he just bite the bullet and accept the kid and have the full relationship with her that he actually wants?

[smackie9]

Stop dating guys who have a female friend as a security blanket.

"But any thoughts on how much communication is appropriate with opposite sex relationships? " Simple, once in awhile because they are too busy spending time with you.

[Jason278]

Thanks for your post.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You're a dumbass. Enjoy your misery.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Why are you so rude? I'm not miserable.

I think it was more curt than rude, but to answer your question, it's because I'm a prick.

It's only been 4 months. You're not miserable..yet.

[Wakeup]

yet.

That one little word gives you so much insight into what your future holds with this very new bf, Op that you should really think about what it means to you and your future emotional health if you drag this out in hope.

Write up that boundary list so that he gets to keep his friend but he doesn't get to date her too. If he makes an excuse that allows him to keep having one-on-one time with her then you have your answer about with whom his priority lays.