Long story....need advice

[EWRFan]

I came here because I need advice or maybe some positive reinforcement.

I have been with my girl for 4 years. But the last year has been hell. I feel guilty about it because I know I messed her up and now I am reaping what I sowed. I really love her and I feel she loves me, but I don't know if this can be fixed, although she seems to think we can fix it.


My girl, when I met her, was the nicest girl you could think of. Very shy, conservative upbringing, an angel. I didnt feel physically attracted back then, but something about her made me gravitate to her. She is best friends with one of my best friend's sisters, so we hanged out regularly for years before something happened. I don't know if you can call it destiny, but for some reason whenever we went out on a group something happened that ended with us being alone and talking and getting to know each other better. The "spark" happened after I had a kidney operation about 4 1/2 years ago. I had to stay in bed for a while and well, to be honest most of my friends never came to visit or spend time with me. I was depressed also because I was coming out of a bad relationship. Both things made me very down, but this girl kept calling every day to check on me and made it clear anything I needed she was there for me. So once the doctors cleared me to go out, I called her and asked her out. Why? I don't know, I just wanted to give her a "thank you" dinner for being so nice to me and being there for me when I was down. But the dinner then turned into a movie and from the movie we kissed in the parking lot......a lot. I don't know, at first I got the urge and it was an innocent kiss....but then one turned into 20....until she stopped me. She basically said she has liked me ever since we met years ago, but she wasnt that kind of girl. I told her I liked her and I wanted to see her again. We agreed to date. Ever since that day I have felt I will never be able to be away from her.

We dated for 5 months before we became an official couple. I was her first man. We had sex about 3 months into an "official relationship", 8 months overall since we began dating and I she was a virgin. She is 4 years younger than me and was 19 then. I mean, she was like an angel. Of course, I had to go out and screw it up. I started treating her poorly. I mean, I am a single child, my dad is "the man of the house", very dominant and manipulative with my mom and since I don't have brothers or any older cousins that live nearby, he was my only role model. So I gew up to be like him. Couple that with my girlfriend's problems (too shy, she was supposed to have therapy as a kid to help her with speaking up her mind, dealing with problems, talking etc. because she barely talked) and I basically acted like a grade A moron. I didnt want her to go out with her sister and friends anymore. I never took her anywhere she wanted to go if I didnt like the place. I CONTROLLED her and MANIPULATED her all the time, threatening to leave her if she went against my wishes. She didnt like it, but she loved me and so she did as I wanted, bottling up all her emotions for as long as she could.

Then that bottle exploded a year ago. She started to hang out with her sister behind my back. Then she met a guy at the gym and they had a fling. She slept with him twice. How I know this? She confessed. She saw him for about three weeks and slept with him twice. She cried a river when she told me and that's when she finally started talking. About everything I did wrong, about how much she cried when I left every night after one of my manipulative arguments to prevent her from going out with friends. She even talked about trying to kill herself once, out of frustration and desperation because she loved me, but I didnt understand her. She tried, in her own shy way, of letting me know how unhappy and sad she was, but I never listened and I always had the final word. So she exploded and did that. She cheated. Now she was feeling miserable. I forgave her, I told her I would try to change and we fixed things.....or not.

That was last summer (2011). Since then we have had more problems. She has not cheated or anything, but I have failed to change. I mean, I did try and changed for a few weeks, but then reverted to my former self. Combined with her other problems (struggles in college, problems with her family) she has been very moody and depressed. We have broken up and gotten back together 4 times in the last 6 months. It has always been the same way: I change for a while, then once she starts acting normally my "evil" self shows up. She has become someone else: very rebelliuous at me. Plus, she has confessed more than once that she can't get over what she did (cheating), that it still hurts her because she never imagined she would do something like that. Her depression got so extreme that she started saying she was trash, crap, the worst person in the world, etc. A few weeks ago she said that she would never try to kill herself, but that if she got sick or had an accident she would no longer fight for her life.


About a week ago, after a very good and happy conversation in the morning, she told me to go to her house for a talk once I got out of work. But when I did, she was rabid. I don't know what happened, but when I got there she physically pushed me out, enraged. Her mom's jaw dropped with the sheer anger coming out of her because she has never, in her entire life, acted that way. I snapped and ripped a picture of us she had on her mirror apart. She started crying because of that I said I had no right to destroy her memories, of the days when she was really happy. We broke up. 5 minutes later she texted me wishing me the best, telling me to forgive her anger because she was just frustrated. That she still loved me but she needed time to fix herself, because she had changed into something she was not. Her final words were "Just give me time, please".

I took that the wrong way. I was so devastated I did the only thing a man would do: I went out with someone else the very next day, out of frustration and lots of pain. I didnt do anything wrong, just went out to see a movie with another girl. Someone must have told her because I got a midnight text that day: "I can't believe I was so easily replaced. I just wanted some time!".


I am not a religious person, but two days later I went to this sanctuary place of the Virgin Mary and spent an hour praying and crying. About how I love her, how I want this problems to end, how I really want to change because I know I am wrong and no matter who I date or get into a relationship with, if I don't change, I will have the same results. It was......healing. I don't know, I felt better, my mind cleared up. I decided to seek a therapist to deal with my problem, my manipulations and my "I have to know and control everything!" problem. But thing is, I don't know if it was an act of God or what, but that same afternoon, about 5 minutes after I drove away from the sanctuary she called me. We had a good conversation and she asked me to drop by her house.

I did. We talked. She told me so many things and for the first time, I felt like I listened. Like I understood. She started talking about going on a trip to run away from this same enviroment and the same problems, somewhere to have a fresh start. I didnt get it cause I said "I wish you the best of luck and I hope you find yourself" and she said "No dummy! I mean, a trip with you! I want to be with you. I love you! I just want things to be different, maybe if we get away from this place, from the same people, the same cars, the same streets, maybe we can get back to where we where before. Maybe that can help you change too."

Thing is, and I explained to her, we don't have the money to do this and it would be stupid for me to quit my job and leave and risk not getting another job anywhere else. Since then we have been back together, I am going to therapy and I feel like I finally "get it". She wants to be with me, but she also needs time for her friends and family. I mean, I do that, so why can't she do it? She wants to have fun and feel like she is still free, like every human being should. Like she said "I always invite you and I understand you don't like some of those places, so if you don't want to go that's ok. But at least let me go. I don't like your sports and when you want to go to a baskertball game wirth your friends I don't make a big deal of it. I never say "don't go". So don't do it to me".

So I guess I finally know what to do and how to make this work. But the thing is, after all this issues....can it? She says we can, but she has her doubts about me, about my change. Can I really do it? She supports me and says yes, but I feel it's more for my own sake.

Thing is, our intimacy has been shit for the last two months (once a month? It used to be at least once a week!)and now that we are back together I have asked twice (yes I know, it has only been seven days since we got back) and she has turned me down both times. She says she wants no pressure, that she needs time to see if I can really change and if this will work out and that she is very stressed, not only because of our problems but also of her personal ones. Plus, she is depressed, I can tell because she is not doing things she used to do (draw, do creative things) and she spends a lot of time in her room, alone or with me. I used to watch TV with her in the living room, now it's always the bedroom. It's like there is a magnet in that bed.

She still kisses me with passion, she still does "intimate" things like change in front of me and she even took a shower with me the other day, but no sex. She says that it WILL happen, but she wants to slow down a bit, that I don't need to be pushy and that I should let it happen naturally. That she feels like this time we are back together for real, for good, no more problems or issues and she wants to "bounce back" naturally, without any extra pressure. But I think she wants to see if I really change first.


Opinions? My friends, those in the know, have mixed opinions. Some feel I should have dumped her a long time ago, even if we love each other, simply because there is too much baggage and they don't think a couple can recover from the "rollercoaster" year as I call it. Others, usually those closer to her, point out that she really loves me, that they have seen her really down and out because of our problems, but that her feelings are legit and if she is willing to try inspite of it all, I should give it a go and follow her lead....for a change. That's the thing....I guess. I am not IN the lead. I am not IN control. It feels uncertain and it scares me and I don't know if I have the patience to "slow down" and let her lead. To be honest, this past week I have seen more of my "angel", the girl that I fell in love with, than the person she became with all the fights and problems. Maybe I should give us another chance? I mean, I do love her, more than I ever imagine I could. I feel she is my true love. I have been in extreme pain whenever we fight or are apart.

What should I do?

[jas0603]

I completely understand you. And from my experience (I dont mean to put you down) it never works. After the first time you break up, there's no sense in making up because, as you probably know, every next break up comes "easier"- a single fight can cause it. It strange to me that she cheated because she sounds so conservative about some stuff. I would understand it if you cheated on her first, but this, to me, means that she has another side to her that you simply dont know. Withholding sex is also strange, because you've done it so many times before, and after all, sex is the most intimate thing two people can share. It should bring you closer, it's not called make up sex for nothing. Im not saying you should leave her, but you should take some time to think things through.Trust me, I know how it feels to suddenly lose control over somebody you love- I'm a bit of a control freak myself. I couldnt handle not being in control so I backed up, I guess controling behaviour is a self-defence mechanism, in a way. Anyways, I read your whole story and from what I see and what I've been through, I can only tell you to think about how much your situation is ****ed up, because some things just cant be fixed. To be honest, I'm not optimistic about you two. You know that people dont change, they just learn to pretend to be better. Hope this helps you in some way.

[Jason960]

Thanks for your post