Talking about ex sex

[andy1981]

I hope you can help as I really could do with some help on this.....
Ive been with my girlfriend for a relatively short time (just over a month) but we have spent nearly every day together which has been amazing. I feel a huge connection to her and she seems to feel the same way.....the only problem is.....she has no feeling towards sex. She said that in the past she has felt like she was just used for sex and has switched off to the emotion / connection. This in itself isnt a problem as Im willing to wait until she feels happy to progress further down this avenue. My problem is that she is constantly talking about her ex`s.....her ex`s sex sessions, what they got up to (lots of threesomes etc). I really dont want to hear this avout her ex`s, granted we all have a past but I dont want a running commentary of her past sex life especially when we dont have a sex life of our own......

What should I do?

[Boisdevie]

This could be a deal breaker couldn't it because you might end up waiting a long long time for sex and it might be rubbish. And she's being incredibly insensitive talking about her sex life. Why not tell her about your fantastic sex life with your ex - see if she likes it. Or suggest that she shuts up.

[andy1981]

Your right it could be a deal breaker....but Im willing to wait and find out.
You have no idea how much Im tempted to start dropping into conversation all the great sex Ive had with past girls but I dont want to go down the avenue of playing mind games.....been there done that and hated every minute of it.
Im sure she whos what she is doing though as we had a conversation about how many partners we had had sexual experience with.....and she hated my answer

[pisces25]

I don't get it. She's switched off from sex but has had all kinds of sex with her ex. Are you in a relationship with this girl? Is it possible she thinks you are just friends?

[andy1981]

Neither do I! She told me from the start thats she is complicated and I thought to myself how complicated could a person be......Im now finding out that the answer is VERY!
She has told me in not so many words that she has fallen for me and that she has the connection with me to try and regain her sexual side.....I just dont understand why she feels the need to discuss her previous sex life?

We are in a relationship with each other and she is very tender and caring towards me.......gives me the biggest and brightest smile every time she sees me (its the little things that matter to me like the smile!)

[pisces25]

I really dont want to hear this avout her ex`s, granted we all have a past but I dont want a running commentary of her past sex life especially when we dont have a sex life of our own......

Just tell her this. Or ask her why she is always talking about sex with her ex. See what she says.

[andy1981]

Direct and honest route.....key to good communication or key to an early exit....either way I will find out tonight. Cheers

[sythmod]

Waiting for your partner to be ready for sex might ruin the relationship, as it did with me ([URL="http://www.loveforum.net/threads/57278-Girlfriend-not-wanting-sex-please-help!?highlight="]you can read it here[/URL]).
She might just be using it as a slow way to breakup, but yeah, might be something else as well!
However, if she really felt like she was used for sex, it seems awkward that she would talk so much about it.

[bulrush]

I had a gf exactly like this recently. And other girlfriends in the past much like this. It could be many many years before she is ready for sex. I bet she has some emotional problems, probably stemming from bad experiences with her ex. Just because she had lots of sex with her ex, does not mean it went well from her perspective. She could be traumatized from her past experiences. She may never want sex ever again.

I think you will also find that her trauma and emotional scarring will present significant problems to your relationship. Such as her over reacting to things. Just wait and see how things go.

My experience with these girls is most don't seek help and they never change. Why waste years of your life when you could be happier with someone else who actually has sex?

[andy1981]

Synthmod - I read through your thread and Im sorry that it didnt work out for you - you did everything right in giving her the time and space that she needed, shame she wasnt
honest with you from the start. I hope truly that this isnt the case with me, I can do what I can which is talk to her about it and see what happens and go from there.

Bulrush - thanks for your response.....I know there may / will be underlaying issues but we have to take partners for the good and bad, if there are things that I can help with then I will. I was single for quite a while almost waiting to meet someone where I felt the spark / chemistry / connection and Im not going to let it get away without putting myself into it.....

[vashti]

People usually talk ad nauseum about their exes when they aren't OVER them yet. It's not a good sign for you.

[haxan]

Ya, what a pile of crap. You're wasting your time with this one.

[andy1981]

Thanks for the intelligent response.....very insightful!

Ok so after speaking to her about it she was massively apologetic about it as she didnt realise it hurt me so much. She also said that she spoke about her previous sex life to show what we will have together once the time is right.....and I do believe her.

Honesty and communication.....it works!

[Boisdevie]

She also said that she spoke about her previous sex life to show what we will have together once the time is right.....and I do believe her.

I assume you're both consenting adults. By your own admission you've spent a lot of time together in the month you've been together. So what exactly is she waiting for? Your birthday? Xmas?
Excellent idea of hers to tell you in graphic detail just how great the sex will be - when she eventually decides to let you have some. My advice - brush up on your wanking techniques because it's all you're going to get.