Religion made it difficult

[Skarnet]

Dear all,


I am a 26 year old guy from Denmark, Europe, that has tried a few sorts of relationships. I am in a very uncertain place in my life, where my relationship with a slight younger girl has turned around completely, almost from one day to another, and maybe because I'm a very aware of psychological conditions and decent at talking to people about them, I feel lost and in a dilemma about this whole case.

Introduction

I feel like I really want to find the right person for me and in many ways feel that I've already found her. This wonderful girl, whom is 20 years old, is very mature and intelligent girl in my eyes, she has all that I really look for. She is new at sleeping together, which is probably because she has been Christian all her life, where boys and girls don't sleep together till married, untill shortly before she met me. At that time, she decided to give it a rest and just rebel a little bit, but I haven't been raised like that and have had sexual relationships for almost 10 years, I can understand why it is a slight pressure..

Now, 11 months later, we've never had a fight, we have enjoyed a lot of time together, we are in most cases really really open, only a few hard things are hard to find the words for, which I think is natural for being about 20 years old. But the Christian part has finally caught up with her. Small hints have been shown, I've tried talking to her, but she has been avoiding the subject since she didn't see a solution.

In short

We have a slight age difference, we have a slight different background, where mine is be good, and hers is be good and follow the Christian code. We've had 6 wonderful months, everything under control, but the last 5 months have been with menstrual and birthcontrol problems, she moved out from her parents, I had to move and moved in with a friend which gave a different kind of privacy and the other place was kinda really classy, I didn't know if I wanted to study and she went from relaxing to studying and working, and last but not least we've faced, that what we like in sex is different and we've come to realise that what she likes in sex needed to be talked about, since I kinda just went on from what I had experienced..

What I need help with

All of these conditions have caused something, but probably the most important, is that she have to try to do it more the way she used to, where boys and girls couldn't sleep together at all, untill they were married, and she wants to be able to share her religion with me and wishes for me to be able to pray with me and know that I understand the religious needs, preferably as a Christian too. I am not Christian as of right now, but do have some similar beliefs and have been raised with many of the ethical ways, but not the "rules" at all.

How can I do my best at not looking at what we had the first 6 months, but look forward instead, try to comfort her, even tho she all of a sudden changed the setup, and now can't stay the night?

We luckily keep residence very close to each other, but it's very hard for me still, 3 weeks after, to go home after seeing her, and not staying the night.
I do feel a... longing for being intimate with her, but I do think that I can learn to live without that.. Yet still it nag at me from my subconsiousness, since we've had 5 months of almost no sex or not communicating about the change of opinion about how to have it, and I don't know if I can be for a long time without just holding her in my arms at night untill we are married, which as far as I can guess, will take untill I become Christian or we find another solution, and till she feels mature enough and ready I think.

I really feel passionate about this girl, I really feel like this is one of the most mature girls I've been with, and she has some wonderful values. Sex has been a slight problem, and I will miss that and sleeping together, cause I know she's not ready.. But I really like her and I've felt in love for a very long time with her.. I would so much appriciate some thoughts regarding the issues, the part of me maybe opening my eyes to christianity and the part about her sudden conclusion to the religion in her heart that changed almost everything in a day..

Ps, this is my first post her, I hope this is a fair way to talk about religion, since it's very essential to my love problem.

Take care,

Simon, the dane in confusion.

[Cerby]

Hi Simon, good to see a Dane posting on here, My family's origin is from Denmark as well.

As for your problem, you're in a tough spot. She has grown up with religious values her whole life, and when you first met, she was in a stage of questioning the beliefs and rebeling against them. Now she feels guilty and he returned to her convictions as a Christian. In my experience, this means bad news for the relationship.

Much like you, I have no religious upbringing, but a solid set of morals and values that I follow. So for this, sex and sleeping together has just been apart of my life since my teenage years. I could never date a religious woman because of just this problem. You clearly have an expectation of sex in your relationships, and for someone who has always had it, its normal. She, on the other hand, wants to dial it back and wait until marriage...that could be YEARS away. Could you wait? I don't think you could, it will build up and build up and erupt in a conflict.

You aren't compatible, she needs a guy who has similar beliefs and is willing to wait without the desire to be intimate, this person isn't you. I know it sounds so easy to say, but I'd walk away from this one and find someone a little more in tune with your needs.

[James87]

well down

[Boisdevie]

Wise words from Cerby. Listen to them.

[Skarnet]

Thanks for the kind and honest words, Cerby! I never got to reply and thank you for that, because yea, all has been crasy and just been hanging in there..

Luckily for me, things turned mentaly when I heard her say that acknowledge the problems and telling me that it's a process for her to find out what she wants, even if it's more me than the religion. Later on she has told me, actually 2 days ago, that we're gonna have one double bed to share at our trip to an extented weekend in Paris in a few days. Even though I have experienced and told about encounters with female strangers that were friendly, that did show interest in me, but I've been able to decline, luckily. These haven't made her entirely happy, but she've seen it from my side I suppose and I have acknowledged the uncertainty I've been in my self, and avoided ruining anything over romancing with others.

But I just wanted to say thanks for the honesty, I'll defianently advice others to turn to this forum actually! Thank you!

[cheekxs]

I dont think religion s the problem. tHE ONLY PROBLEM IS you!

I often hear guys like you talk like this. and act like this when they meet a christian girl.(All they think is : new flesh-virgin-innocent- YAMMIE!!!)!
and often the girl ends doing bad stuff cause of this kind of relationships with unbelievers or people that say
they are christian just cause they grow up like that but they have not much to do with it. so there heart is not there.(yet).

I think you really need to leave her alone and find yourself one of those girls like you. who love to have sex
anytime. and who wants to sleep together with you. there are plenty of them.

Stop standing in this young girls way to serve God and do something good with her life. You shore are not interested in doing Gods will!
You only say you are christian so you can be with her. Im shore if you meet a whore , you would not even say you have something to do with Christianity!

At the end girls like this gets a bad name also from guys like you who just came to **** them up and leave.
And soon you will find them destroyed and far from God. Doing the same as those who dont follow God.

I think you are a problem for her in her believe and also cause of your age!
She is completely different and have more serious goals to achieve.
While you are going up 30 and have done it all already and dont have a really interest in God etc.and wait till married etc.
And its not about sit and pray to please her. But its about the real dedication and commitment to God.
And you cant play that , you need real conversion for that. And from the heart, not just to get a girl.
Cause you cant fool God!

You are not a converted Christian ,you just grew up in a christian home. You need to make the step to
give your heart to Jesus yourself.!

Let her live her life! You do yours. Cause she wants to keep her life as pure as possible.
And you are not helping her in that.You have other interest!

[cheekxs]

You have bad influences on her. Cause all the bad she dont want to do, you still want to do and poke her to do!
thats wrong! even tho you dont say it, your ways are a struggle in her way! Leave her alone!

[Boisdevie]

You need to make the step to
give your heart to Jesus yourself.!

Yeah, let's all believe in the sky fairy. You know, the one that doesn't exist. The one that all you ****ing fruitloops believe in. New Years Tsunami, the holocaust, genocide in Rwanda. Where was your god then?

[cheekxs]

come back when you know how to communicate . God bless you!

[bulrush]

You two might have some things in common, but you are sexually incompatible. You have more experience with sex, it sounds like, and when you get married, it's very likely you will still be unsatisfied. She might turn out to be vanilla, and you might turn out to be more kinky or daring. No matter how much you love her I just don't think she will change. She is who she is.

This is why I have sex before marriage, to see if we are sexually compatible. Sex is one of the top 3 things couples fight about, and that is due to sexual compatibility. People just don't think of this thing before marriage. To me, sex is also about intimacy, and for a religion, politics, or social pressures to prevent or limit intimacy and sharing is just a shame.

[magguu]

I dont think religion s the problem. tHE ONLY PROBLEM IS you!

I often hear guys like you talk like this. and act like this when they meet a christian girl.(All they think is : new flesh-virgin-innocent- YAMMIE!!!)!


Stop standing in this young girls way to serve God and do something good with her life. You shore are not interested in doing Gods will!


And you cant play that , you need real conversion for that. And from the heart, not just to get a girl.
Cause you cant fool God!

You are not a converted Christian ,you just grew up in a christian home. You need to make the step to
give your heart to Jesus yourself.!

each of the above sentence is a gem ... i think i shd try these lines in some parody skit

[Skarnet]

I think you have a good point, bulrush, and I agree a lot with you.
I'm still trying to make this work, and I'm all in on every other point, I can so much see us together in every aspect, except for the intimacy and love through sex.

I talked to her again about what the situation was on where we were going, if she knew if the future was reserved for a christian, or it could be with me if I don't make the commitment to christianity. She didn't know but thought so, as in that it would be possible to be together, though kids and such will be harder with a non-christian. But she is more clear about that she wants to wait till marriage, and that doesn''t really sound like she might want to work much more on that perspective. I said I don't think I can last that long, but I said I would think about it again before being 100 % sure...

I... love her so much, and she is so great and she is the only one that I'd do such a thing for... but I'm not sure I could do that with anyone anymore.. I'm not shallow and just want sex, but it's in me and it's an important way of being together in my life now, I try to change it, but as I know some christians are too, I really would like to sleep naked with my girlfriend and make love to her too.. But that's not gonna happen before man and wife, which isn't gonna happen in a long time, maybe faster if I was a christian.. but... yea, I think this is going that one way that I really don't want it to go...

Thanks all