How to heal a betrayed & broken heart when UR the murderer.. please help me help him!

[dying_love]

I am desperate to try to find a way to repair the damage I have done. I have been with my man for nearly 5 years now, living with him the entire time. He was recovering from 8 months prior, his wife left him & his 3 kids for another man. She lied to him, cheated on him & I was leaving a manipulative ex-boyfriend-turned roommate situation due to his infidelity and lies. We mutually agreed that we wanted an honest relationship that was free of lies & cheating and to be open no matter what.

The euphoric glow of the new relationship started to fizzle about 3 months into it. (I see now in retrospect it was the trauma of his wife leaving him that was overpowering the temporary distraction of a new relationship.) He wasn't able to give to me in bed and when the mother of his kids would come over I felt because of MY personal hangups with my past life, there was something more. I felt resentful that I didn't have that forever connection with him that she had.. But when she left he talked about her like a dog. When she was there it was different. I felt that (I was heavier then) I wasn't attractive to him, he was just using me as a rebound. I tried to talk with him about this and I was told that he didn't have room in his life for my problems too.

Long story short, I cheated on my current man with my ex boyfriend over 4 years ago. I thought I really loved him(ex) until my new love started really giving to me & I fell in love with him. As I started falling in love with him, I cut off the ex cold turkey and never looked back or have even so much talked with him since. Still worked with the guy but I distanced myself as much as I could, transferred shifts to be on my boyfriends schedule & ignored my ex. I cheated on my boyfriend with my ex 5 times total, once when I went to get the remainder of my stuff at his house, 4 other times I met up with him willingly to have sex; the last of those I literally left him hanging. This last time I met ex near our house in hopes of telling him in person it was over, I didn't want to hurt my boyfriend any longer and I loved him, not my ex and I would never be with him again. Ex pleaded making a scene in a parking lot, I walked him over to a place behind our house to get out of the public view & we started having sex one last time. I told my ex that I couldn't to this to my boyfriend and I stopped in the middle of sex & walked off.

**I know that I am no saint and I am sure there will be a long onslaught of guys telling me how horrible I am. I won't defend myself & I am sure whatever is said is no worse than the hurtful lashing out I have already received from my now fiancee so I am begging please, if you have something helpful to say, please reply. I am here not to tell my story but to reach out to anyone who can possible help me repair this man's soul & heart. I am here for him, not myself. Please help! ***

Years passed with my boyfriend making comments about seeing my ex behind our house or seeing him drive by. All of which I realized later were true. I ignored my ex, but that doesn't stop a juvenile 20 something year old from feeling jilted & dedicated to retaliation cuz I rejected him. Ex would lurk behind our house as if he were waiting on me, throw condoms in the yard, drive by, taunt my boyfriend while he was waiting to pick me up from work. I filed harassment charges on him at work which later on resulted in him being terminated. So now I am sure he is even MORE upset. -knock on wood haven't seen him in about 6 months, I hope he finally gave up-

Last February, I told my boyfriend some of what happened, I got scared, the rest wouldn't come out and my brain & mouth went on autopilot & I babbled a string of lies making the confession that much less sincere. A few months later I tried again but the same thing happened. When I am face to face with him I see the hurt on his face, his betrayal and I crumble into an incoherent pile which doesn't help either of us. I want to stop that because he needs to see how much he means to me & is the only important thing in my life. Finally last summer I told him everything. I wrote it down, went into as much detail as I could remember including when and how long it lasted, how I felt, where we were in our relationship, who the ex was, etc.

A few weeks later we were still on shaky ground and I was scared I was losing him, but instead on my birthday he proposed to me! It was the single happiest day of my entire life, I am 36 now. The man I am seeking help for is unlike any other guy I have ever met. He is sensitive, loving, intelligent, varied in his interests & talents, an amazing lover, great father & I hope to discover firsthand what I already suspect, that he is a great husband too.

Since August, we have had moments where we are ok, moments where he threatens to make me leave, moments he doesn't want to live, the majority of the time though I think to myself, how on earth could I have cheated on this man? WHAT was wrong with me?

I am sure there are a million details that will need to be filled in to be able to paint the entire picture, but the bottom line is that since August, we are in a slump. He proposed on the premise that we could keep talking. the problem is that the betrayal he is suffering from makes (to me) him seem irrational and unsure of what he wants. I have done everything he has asked, I have been myself, I have addressed things as he told me to, I have tried to put myself in his shoes, I have groveled, begged, pleaded, been strong, taken responsibility for, admitted to and spoken to him about everything. I have also in the progress (ashamedly) been bitchy when we have been drinking, sob uncontrollably when the frustration is too much and been less than compassionate for what he's been through.

I don't know if I have something really wrong with me, or if I am just not woman enough to handle this damage i have caused or what but it's frustrating me beyond belief that I cannot heal his heart. He's everything to me, yet I cannot talk with him about things like he wants me to.

We were in a GREAT place less than 24 hours ago. All day yesterday (we were each at our perspective jobs -mine now completely ex free btw) we were so happy & excited abut going out to eat last night which we rarely do. Kids gone for summer, just us. We got home, got showered dressed, he decided to surprise me with a romantic sunset dinner, we drank, ate & flirted.. Came back home with a slight buzz and he made 1 comment about driving by the spot where ex & I had sex. I told him exactly what happened on more than 10 occasions so that he sees I am being truthful, this time no different. Instead the reaction I got was him being pissed off I wasn't more comforting. So I tried to soothe his fears and let him know what happend was the past, the way things were, what's different now & why it would never go back to that.. yet it was all wrong.

I am afraid either I am crazy and I am not hearing what I am saying the same as he does, or he doesn't want to make it work & he's looking for an excuse (this is so out of character from the man who told me just 2 days ago when we made love 'please don't ever stop loving me.') or I have serious psychological issues stemming from further back than I know ..

I just don't know.. I have accepted responsibility but it's not enough.

please, please, any input... I have less than 5 hours before I go home tonight for the weekend and I want to gain some sort of insight or something on how I can help him.. His blood pressure is through the roof, he wants me to stay and I know he loves me as deeply as I love him, but it seems I am killing him & he is too beautiful to not be all that he can be..

Thank you in advance..

[Cerulean.]

Sorry, but I really don't see this working out for you. He's going to resent you for the rest of his life if he ends up staying with you. His EX WIFE cheated on him and left him... You cheated on him, too. Doesn't matter if he said he doesn't have rooms for your problems either, you could have broke it off with him but you didn't. You used your ex as a backup. I'm not a male, but if I were in his position I definitely wouldn't want to marry you, nor continue a relationship with you. Trust is gone and you basically took a shit on him.

Use this time to heal and grow. Be faithful to your future man.

[dying_love]

I would completely agree with you on all of that if not for the fact HE wants to make this work as well. He is still married, (never got a divorce for financial reasons he said- they've been separated 6 years now) but in the beginning I saw it as I was a rebound & tried to address that with him. He said he didn't have time & blew me off. I sought comfort in a co-worker/friend/ex & it turned into this crap.

I realize I did take a shit on him basically, but he proposed to me after 4 years, we are going on 5 years now. he proposed after I told him. He still wants to be with me, gives to me & encourages me to keep trying. So I give everything, I just worry about healing his saddness. He's told me over & over (since I confessed everything) that the happiest he's ever been in life has been with me.

So one of two things.. (this is why i wanted a male's point of view so the estrogen doesn't clog my brain & think only of myself)

1. He's one hell of an actor and is playing the biggest role in his life of making me feel wonderful, pretending to marry me and then will dump me to get 'even.'

or

2. he truly does want to make it work but the betrayal is tearing him in two and he's conflicted between how much he loves me and how much he is still worried this will happen again and needs to be comforted. But like most men, have their pride & ego's & don't want to admit their softer side because it's typically seen as weak. he doesn't want to be vulnerable..

I am just seeking understanding on how to help him as a human being. he's my best friend, we are great on everything, except this ONE HUGE thing.. it takes up a small part of our lives & he deserves complete happiness not just mostly happiness.

Thank you for your input though.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You should end it for him. You ruined it, now you should finish it off.

[dying_love]

I did try that. He told me he didn't want me to go, then told me that everyone else leaves him, why not be like the rest of the women. I never wanted to go so I told him, look i think this is in your best interests, I love you & if I was only a good friend that happened to be female I would tell you to go. His response was that I wasn't to decide what's best for him, only he could. I told him I respect his wishes and that I didn't want to really leave, only see him happy again. It's breaking my heart. I knew him previously and he's never been an optimistic person, but he's been morose & only half the person he was before since his brother died 10+ years ago.

I personally think there are deeper things going on with him, not that what I have done isn't enough.. but this is MY BEST FRIEND and I feel terrible how I hurt him so early & didn't give us a chance but I never have stopped doing everything he needs and making up for it.

He tells me to keep trying.. he shows me love & pulls me back. I don't want to abandon him because he's right everyone else has & I refuse to give up on this man, I am truly hopelessly devoted to him. His only problem is he can't make the thoughts stop for long. Once he does, he's great and happier more each time than before.. it's just a vicious cycle..

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You're not truly, hopelessy devoted to him, because you wouldn't be in this situation if you were. You feel guilty, and he feels inadequate. You have a say in whether you stay or go as well. If he wants to be a baby and try to guilt you by saying you're just like the rest, let that be his issue. He's taking advantage of the situation and using it to control you. Tell him that the relationship isn't working for you(what you should have done before you ****ed your coworker), and you're leaving. Don't give in to the begging or guilt or whatever. Just say, it's over, I'm leaving, then leave.

[dying_love]

leaving is the simplest solution. Sometimes the easiest is not the best. I am looking for the right one for me & was hoping to get other people's opinions. Thank you for your input.

[Cerulean.]

Whether you leave, or stay, he's still going to resent you. It won't be healthy. Inevitably, it's going to be a no win situation all together for the two of you TOGETHER. The only difference of leaving... is that you both will heal and move on starting over with healthy new relationships.

[Wakeup]

Talk about freaking codependency. OP: You are cruel to him in your betrayal and you are cruel to him in your sticking around and letting him ABUSE you for what you did. By staying and allowing him to treat you the way he does you are stagnating him from being the best man that he could be. The two of you need therapy.

Get out and don't enable him any longer to turn into an even worse abuser. When he asked you to stay he gave up any rights he may think he has to treat you like shit. If he wants to treat you like shit for the rest of his life then he needs to know that he doesn't get to keep you.

Go to marriage councelling if you both insist on being the abuser and the abused because what you're putting each other through right now is sick, sick and sick. What an unhealthy and unloving and SICK situation you both live in. This isn't love, it's black mail, codependency, fear of being alone, psycho manic depressive BULLSHIT. You allow him to be who he is and you should be ashamed about that more than your infidelity IMNSHO. Don't put up with his shinanigans a minute longer, get tuff and tell him that he cuts it out and forgives you or you're out of there.... where you should be because he doesn't trust you and he never will without therapy.

When you keep somone in your life that has cheated on you (the general you) then you don't get to keep them and abuse the hell out of them due to your own inability to forgive. Op: Take back your self-respect and put an end to this now. When he starts you stop it then and there and quit molly collying him out of guilt. If he wants to keep you then he forgives. If he can't forgive then leave him. PERIOD

Geeeeeeeeeezus! Just because he's inherently self-loathing (even without the infidelity) doesn't mean he gets to abuse you and drag you down to his level. I'm no fan of yours either for cheating but come on- you're just as afraid to leave him as he is of you going... so you stay for the abuse and you enable him to do it. A bit of personal therapy for you might help you with that obvious low self-esteem.

[zaccarus]

There is a lot of emotions going on between you both but for the sake of both of you it needs to end. It'll be hard but say it's over and go.