She forced me to decide about having kids!

[lorne guyland]

I’ve got a serious dilemma and need your help in a big way. My GF and I have been together for 7 years. She wants kids, and for a long time I was up in the air about it. She’s going on 30 so she’s put increasing pressure on me over the past few years to decide if having children was something that I could envision for my future. If not, she wanted to know so she could move on with her life and find someone who shares the same life goals.

This increasing pressure forced me to analyze the issue to death over many months. The pressure from her got worse and worse; she often broke down into tears because she didn’t feel like I was making a commitment to the relationship by not telling her that I “wanted a life with her.” To which I always replied, “I do want a life with you, I’m just not sure I want it to include kids. If we could spend the rest of our lives together, kid-free, that would be ideal.” Yet she could never see that me not wanting kids was not the same as me not wanting a life with her, but I digress.

Long story short, I felt backed up against a wall for a long time and felt forced to make a decision. So I came to the conclusion that I don’t want kids and now feel a strong conviction about that. I felt a wave of relief when I came to that conclusion. Meanwhile, our relationship has been getting worse and worse due to this uncertainty. So, recently I told her that I couldn’t take the pressure anymore and couldn’t stand to go on thinking that I was making her so unhappy and insecure from my lack of commitment, and I told her I didn’t want kids and I thought I’d move out (we live together) so she could get on with her life and find happiness and someone who can give her what she wants. Equally I want to move on with mine so I can find someone who doesn’t want kids either and we can start to build something together. But when I told her this, she kind of broke down and said, “I’ve been putting too much pressure on you and its my fault. I think you came to that conclusion because things were so bad between us. Let’s just play it one day at a time and work on our relationship, and see if we can revisit the issue later on when we’re on better terms.” This has really messed my mind up because she forced me to make a very serious decision, and then basically turned around and said, “well, now I don’t need you to make that decision, and we can just see how things go.” So now I have a ton of anxiety about this because I feel she thinks I’ll change my mind. But I am about 99% sure I won’t change my mind, and don’t want to give her false hope. I think that us moving on and finding other mates who share our goals for the future would be best, but I really love her and am having a hard time doing it since she’s backed off a bit on her baby pressure. But it was really hard for me to make the decision not to want kids, and now that I have, she’s told me that she thinks I’ll change my mind and wants to give things more time to see what happens. I’m very concerned about giving it more time because I’ve been very unhappy for a few years because of this issue and the thought of drawing it out for another year terrifies me—in one year, breaking up will be even harder! And I basically made my mind up that I don't want kids and don't want to revisit it--it was a very hard decision to make!

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

[Boisdevie]

If I were in your shoes I'd bring this relationship to an end. Sounds like she's unwilling to accept your decision in the hope that she'll convince you to agree with her somewhere along the line.

[Wakeup]

Get yourself a vasectomy. If you're certain that you don't want children then why wouldn't you? Having that done will let her know without a doubt the you mean what you say. If she sticks around after that, then maybe she's changed her mind about kids being that important her. If she leaves, well then she really meant that she wants kids.

[IndiReloaded]

Get yourself a vasectomy.

This is terrible advice. If you consider yourself in a committed relationship (which I think you do), then making a decision like this without discussion is tantamount to a breakup. Not to mention a completely asshole thing to do. It would affect all your future relationships. If I dated a man who made this kind of sweeping decision without consulting his partner, I would drop him immediately. Huge red flag.

The adult way to handle this is to decide what you want (or don't). Make your decision about your relationship based on this. Certainly, if you know you don't want children, then you can *raise* the subject of the vasectomy and see how she responds. Your only obligation is to be honest about your wants and needs. Its hers to decide if she wants this also or would rather move on. But don't waffle in fear of a breakup since you clearly know what you want. That is dishonest.

[Wakeup]

This is terrible advice. If you consider yourself in a committed relationship (which I think you do), then making a decision like this without discussion is tantamount to a breakup. Not to mention a completely asshole thing to do. It would affect all your future relationships. If I dated a man who made this kind of sweeping decision without consulting his partner, I would drop him immediately. Huge red flag.

The adult way to handle this is to decide what you want (or don't). Make your decision about your relationship based on this. Certainly, if you know you don't want children, then you can *raise* the subject of the vasectomy and see how she responds. Your only obligation is to be honest about your wants and needs. Its hers to decide if she wants this also or would rather move on. But don't waffle in fear of a breakup since you clearly know what you want. That is dishonest.

I disagree. He's told her he does not want children. All he has to do now is tell her that he'll be getting a vasectomy and actually want to get one since he's not wanting children anyway.

he's already decided that he does not want children so I don't see why he wouldn't want to finalize that decision. No one said he should make the decision without discussion.

It would affect all your future relationships

Not if he actually kept his picks to women who like him do not want children either. Deciding on having a vasectomy is for people who are adamant about not having them. If he's adamant, then whay wouldn't he have one? Afterall he's said this:

I feel she thinks I’ll change my mind. But I am about 99% sure I won’t change my mind,

. Thinking about the fact that you will not be able to have children will help you decide if you are 100% sure you do not.

[IndiReloaded]

Wakeup in your first post you told him to *go get* a vasectomy. In your last you say he should *tell her* he's getting one, that's slightly better since it at least opens discussion. IMO its still highly confrontational, but at least you are backing off your original post he should just go ahead and do something that serious without consultation. This is why I called it bad advice. Its never a good idea to suggest someone make a life-decision like this w/o consulting one's longterm partner.

As for future partners, you still don't seem to get it. Its not the vasectomy that is the problem. Its the fact anyone would make a decision that important w/o consulting their longterm partner (7 years!) at the time. Only a very selfish and self-absorbed person would make a unilateral decision like that. Which makes them bad relationship material, IMO.

[lorne guyland]

Thanks for your responses. I have considered a vasectomy and perhaps it's not a bad idea to approach the subject with her. I agree that it will make it very clear to her that I've made my mind up. My real problem at this point is making her believe that I have indeed made my mind up, and this will probably make it resonate with her more than anything else. And it is frustrating to tell her I've made this decision and to have her come back and suggest I think more about it, especially given the immense amounts of time I've spent weighing the pros and cons, and having come to a confident decision about it. The whole situation makes me constantly question my own stance on things, and this over time has eroded my self confidence. I really need to embrace my conviction about this situation and live with the consequences. Thanks for helping me see what I knew all along!

[IndiReloaded]

BTW, as an older woman w/1 child I will say this: a vasectomy does not mean you will never have children. As a man, you might want to look into storing some sperm, in case you change your mind. Adoption is another possibility. There are so many children needing good parents and some older couples (by this I mean +40s) decide to go this route instead of having children of their own. Its not like you are closing yourself off to parenthood completely by this decision.

But many women view having a child as a raison d'etre and want that one biological coup, as it were. If this is what your GF wants, you should in no way hold her back from it, or let her hold herself back. A breakup might be kinder. The reality is that women, unlike men, do have a clock. Think about it.

[Wakeup]

Wakeup in your first post you told him to *go get* a vasectomy. In your last you say he should *tell her* he's getting one, that's slightly better since it at least opens discussion. IMO its still highly confrontational, but at least you are backing off your original post he should just go ahead and do something that serious without consultation. This is why I called it bad advice. Its never a good idea to suggest someone make a life-decision like this w/o consulting one's longterm partner.

As for future partners, you still don't seem to get it. Its not the vasectomy that is the problem. Its the fact anyone would make a decision that important w/o consulting their longterm partner (7 years!) at the time. Only a very selfish and self-absorbed person would make a unilateral decision like that. Which makes them bad relationship material, IMO.

Okay, let me re-phrase. Consider getting a vasectomy and then tell your gf that that is what you would like to do, OP. If you really do NOT want children then knowing that you can't have them should make little difference to you. If your gf doesn't want you to get a vasectomy then it will be obvious to you that her sudden about face is simply to keep you while she thinks of other ways to get you to change your mind. If she says that she understands and is all for you getting one (since you won't, as a couple, be having any children) well, then you'll know that her about face if definately because she'd rather have you without kids then not have you at all.

I still say that if you DO NOT WANT CHILDREN then a get a vasectomy and you'll never again have to worry about condoms with holes poked in them or adament to have children SO's going off their birth control pills without discussing it with you. Perhaps the thought of not being able to have children will help you with that 1% deciding factor. Who knows, maybe you just don't want children with her?

In any event if you two break up and you are 100% sure you don't want children then it will be extremely unfair of you not to disclose that early on in any new relationship so that your potential partner knows your stance up front and so this situ you're currently in doesn't keep repeating.

[Cerby]

OP, The time to talk to your gf about this was 6 1/2 years ago. You shouldn't be 7 years in arguing about wanting kids and not wanting kids...this is crazy, and one of the things couples SHOULD talk about before getting serious.

[searock]

You are clearly miserable in this relationship OP. By now the issue isn't even directly about the kids: you have been pressured for years, it has "eroded your self confidence" and now you keep feeling anxious and pressured... that's not the way one should feel in a happy relationship. I think you should move out: you have already decided that you wanted to move out when you decided you didn't want to have kids. It was included in your resolution, so you should go ahead and do it. She is stalling because she thinks you'll change your mind, she realized she has put too much pressure on you over the years and it has made you miserable, but judging by what you write, it's too late to take it back. She probably thought that the thought of losing her would outweigh whatever reason you have for not wanting kids, and that you'd eventually "give in". It is not the case however, and now she's just refusing to accept it. She isn't listening to what you say and feel. You don't feel comfortable with her anymore. You should break up and move out, and move on.

[lorne guyland]

OP, The time to talk to your gf about this was 6 1/2 years ago. You shouldn't be 7 years in arguing about wanting kids and not wanting kids...this is crazy, and one of the things couples SHOULD talk about before getting serious.

Agree. We did talk about this when we started dating and I always said I probably would want kids. But I was in my early 20s when we started dating and honestly couldn't have been relied upon to make a completely adult decision about it. I grew up in a small town where you just had kids, its what everyone did. It's just what people do. But then I lived abroad for a while, moved around a lot, learned a lot about myself and the world around me, and grew up in the process. I now realize that having kids is not a given/requisite part of life, but rather a decision that each individual has the freedom to make. I first had this realization about 3 years ago and told my GF right then that I was reconsidering my commitment to having kids. I then went back and forth for quite some time and this uncertainty is where her unhappiness came from and consequently where the pressure from her stemmed. Yes, I know, what a bastard I am to change my mind. But I do feel that as someone becomes an adult they have the right to change as a person and to change their opinions on things. And it is what it is. Ultimately, what I'd like from you is some advice or even you opinion on the matter. Of course hindsight is 20/20, as you rightfully pointed out. But is that all you have to add?

[Wakeup]

I think you've explained your change or heart well. I do agree that the discussion should be had when you're first dating and finding yourselves in love and wanting to commit though.

I also think and as I said earlier, that should you break up with this girl (or she with you) that you let your potential mate(s) know your possition on not wanting to have children so that they can decide whether or not they want to continue on with you. I think that you'll not have too much trouble keeping a girl even if she wants children because unfortunately, like your girlfriend, most women will think that either you'll change your mind or they'll be able to change it for you. Hence why a vasectomy is not such a bad idea if you are adamant about not wanting children. At least when you disclose your vasectomy, they'll know for certain that you'll not be changing your mind.

Good luck with things.

[IndiReloaded]

, I know, what a bastard I am to change my mind. But I do feel that as someone becomes an adult they have the right to change as a person and to change their opinions on things. And it is what it is. Ultimately, what I'd like from you is some advice or even you opinion on the matter. Of course hindsight is 20/20, as you rightfully pointed out. But is that all you have to add?

Our opinion on what? Breaking up with your GF b/c you've changed your mind about children, or having children?

The former I agree with (kids/no kids is a dealbreaker for most); the latter, its a personal decision you have to make for your own reasons.

[lorne guyland]

Our opinion on what? Breaking up with your GF b/c you've changed your mind about children, or having children?

The former I agree with (kids/no kids is a dealbreaker for most); the latter, its a personal decision you have to make for your own reasons.

Sorry, you misunderstood me. I was responding that I'd love to hear Cerby's opinion on the matter. But you and Wakeup have been super helpful and I think all your comments were clear and constructive. So thanks for taking the time to lend you thoughts! This is a particularly tough issue because it's hard to find people to discuss it with. I usually talk to my mother about my problems but her opinion on this is so strong (she also thinks I'll change my mind; she's old school) that I can't get a productive conversation out of her. So thanks for giving me some alternative perspectives to consider.