sketchy guy

[mochalatte]

I have been loosely dating this man now for 4mts. This particular man is adored by many. A charmer. A gentleman. Just well liked over all. Our sexual chemistry is perfect. I am in the process of my divorce being final....less than 30 days. He is aware of this, but has said he wants no committments. He is afraid I will jump into too much too soon. He has always made a point to distance himself after we spend time together he says because I am going through this divorce. I have never said I wanted more than someone to just "date"... not a fullfledged relationship. Just wanted to merely get to know one another. To see what happens in time.


It has ended up being a FWB situation with him but more for me. He says he only knows how to be single bc he has been single for so long. I told him that I am beginning to care about him. When we are together it is if we are in a relationship. It's more than sex. It's friendship. But, he says he can't give to me what I need. Instead of walking away, he continues to call every couple of weeks. Lately, he is becoming more and more distant after he spends time with me bc he knows how I feel. Yet, he calls me such a good friend. One that has changed his life.

To top it off, I have discovered he is also having sex with another woman besides me. But acts as if it is no big deal. And he considers her to be his "best friend." She lives an hour away. When we first met, he said he cared for her but distance was an issue. He said things may move forward with her...but never told me that they did! And Ive been told he sees her a good bit. I can't do this anymore. So, I went NC for days... then caved. I am just not the kind of person that can just walk away. I need closure.

I sent an email asking if we could just start over. Be friends. Just lunches now and then. To please reply, not to leave me hanging. His friendship meant too much to lose over sex and this distance game. And if he has friend zoned me just be honest. He won't remove me off fb. I texted him two weeks ago asking him if we could easily walk out of each others lives would that be okay with him... he didn't reply. I took it as a yes. He replied later with..."my nonreply was bc i had fallen asleep" (he works nightshifts).

So no answer so far today with my email... I'm getting distance again. And I'm hurt. Feel completely rejected like I did something wrong... I have been the kindest person in the world to him. I don't know how somebody so well liked by others in the public eye can be so damn cold and deceiving. He won't make up his mind what he wants. Sometimes me sometimes not.

Now, I want to go confrontational with him. We are both 40, and I think they disappearing act is so childish. I think he needs to own up and tell me face to face that he wants things to end. Meaning our friendship.

What should I do... I feel like I deserve more from him than this!

[smackie9]

I really don't now why you are complaining here, are you that gullible? Why are you looking at this as a relationship with turning into something meaningful when it's and you quoted" loosely dating this man for 4 months". That is not how real relationships start. Perfect sexual chemistry is not a precursor to a committed relationship or love. You are only fooling yourself there. Here's a tip for you...there are guys that will do and say whatever it takes to get sex and that is exactly what he has done whether you like it or not. So all this distancing himself because you are going through a divorce is pure BS. It's any easy excuse to get it with someone else in the meantime. Of course he continues to call, you are a supply of sex for him. And why would you get pissed for him boinkin someone else? You are loosely dating him am I right? So him and you are both able to date other people....well that is his understanding. There was no talk of being "official" was there?

He was never your friend, he just wanted to boink you......why can't you get that through your head? Don't waste your time confronting him, you will look pathetic. And yes you do deserve more! You deserve to stop wasting your time with guys like him and make better decisions.

[smackie9]

The reality of this is that you got dooped, bamboozled, wool pulled over your eyes, etc. He is a con artist....are charming one...he has everyone dooped.

[mochalatte]

We've known each other for over a year. We had this friendship prior to the 4 month "loose" dating. And I believe all relationships start out loosely before committing to a serious one. You take time getting to know each other. I am not gullible...We both discussed that we were not into having casual relationships. At the time, it would have been nice to know that he was having one prior to discussing it. When I have been open about the way I feel, he says he enjoys spending time with me and getting to know me...but maybe we shouldn't see each other until circumstances change. And then, two weeks later he is back again. Putting effort into us for a week. We spend the day together and he goes cold.

I care about the guy. But I'm not interested in a sexual relationship with any longer. Obviously he has one already. We have ALOT of mutual friends that we hang out with. I just wanted to know how should I deal with this...
I asked him to lets start over. Basic friendship. Lunch crap. No more sex. And so far...NO response.

So tell me, how can a male friend tell you and everyone else how much you have changed his life a week ago, and then be okay with disappearing. And the changing life statement came after a heavy discussion about me threatening to leave our friendship behind.

[smackie9]

Please read the ladder theory. [URL="http://www.laddertheory.com/"]http://www.laddertheory.com/[/URL]

[haxan]

So tell me, how can a male friend tell you and everyone else how much you have changed his life a week ago, and then be okay with disappearing. And the changing life statement came after a heavy discussion about me threatening to leave our friendship behind.

Didn't you read the part about smackie saying you were gullible? Whatever you want to hear and believe is what this type of guy will say. Yes, they exist.

btw, I like the new avatar, smackie.

[Wakeup]

We've known each other for over a year. We had this friendship prior to the 4 month "loose" dating. And I believe all relationships start out loosely before committing to a serious one. You take time getting to know each other. I am not gullible...We both discussed that we were not into having casual relationships. At the time, it would have been nice to know that he was having one prior to discussing it. When I have been open about the way I feel, he says he enjoys spending time with me and getting to know me...but maybe we shouldn't see each other until circumstances change. And then, two weeks later he is back again. Putting effort into us for a week. We spend the day together and he goes cold.

Sorry, but those actions are the actions of a man who wants to keep you for one thing and one thing only. The sex. You give him what he wants every single time and that is all he wants.

It's clear as glass but you don't want to see it because you are addicted to the wanton way he leaves you every single time you are together. He ignores you when you say you just want friendship without sex. He ignores you because he only wants sex without friendship. He has another girl who he is doing the same thing to. He is a womanizing playa who only cares about getting his own sexual needs met. He has been perfectly clear to you about it all. Even if he wasn't perfectly clear to you by telling you until after you'd been sleeping together, his consistent non caring indifference to your emotional needs are crystal clear. His action will give you your truth but you refuse to pay attention while you mistakenly confuse your lust for him for love.

I care about the guy. But I'm not interested in a sexual relationship with any longer.

Then tell him that and then he will go away. However; he will try every once and a while to see if he can persuade you to have another sexual go with him. Don't confuse him coming back as wanting you for anything more. It won't mean that at all.

Obviously he has one already. We have ALOT of mutual friends that we hang out with. I just wanted to know how should I deal with this...

Stay away from him and all of your mutual friends whenever he's going to be with the group. Start your own social calendar with them and don't invite him.

I asked him to lets start over. Basic friendship. Lunch crap. No more sex. And so far...NO response.

Because if he doesn't respond then he's leaving the door open to come back when you're positively desperate to be with him. He's a player. That's how they play. They don't have to beg to be with a women when she begs to be with him.

So tell me, how can a male friend tell you and everyone else how much you have changed his life a week ago, and then be okay with disappearing. And the changing life statement came after a heavy discussion about me threatening to leave our friendship behind.

He's an insincere ass whose words don't match his actions. Besides you could change a persons life and drop them the next day if your friend is a narcissistic, player whose only concern is his own.

Don't worry about him and what he can do without guilt or conscience. Work on yourself and figure out why you would let a man treat you like he does/has and still be afraid to be without him in your life. You're abusing yourself emotionally and he's doing it to. Soon you will lose your joy completely. Zero contact, followed by a withdrawal from this oxytocin induced addiction and a heaping helping of self reflection about what you let yourself stoop to will get you back your self-respect. Don't let him play you a minute longer.

[smackie9]

btw, I like the new avatar, smackie.

Thanks! I needed a change....something a little more darker lol.

[Wakeup]

... cool ... ^