Boyfriend sending mixed messages, need advice (long)

[evathorn]

This will probably be a bit long, so I apologise in advance.

I started dating this guy (I shall call him Harvey) last year, about 18 months ago. He is my first boyfriend and the first guy I've ever really been interested in. We met through a friend on my uni course, and hit it off straight away. We're both 22 and have just graduated from university.

First I should say that early on in our relationship there was another guy who liked me who tried to turn me against Harvey. I was stupid enough to listen, cheated on Harvey and broke up with him. Two days later we got back together, and a week or so later I broke things off again. I knew I’d made a mistake immediately, Harvey wasn’t interested in trying again and I barely stopped crying for a couple of weeks. Luckily we managed to work things out, got back together and things were fantastic after that. I was so happy for the following 3/4 months, and I swore to myself I wouldn’t mess things up again. This is important, I think, because I know I'm not an innocent victim in all this and it has also affected my reactions to stuff he's done over the last few months.

In February, I was at Harvey's place and he had left his Facebook on with the messages open. I shouldn't have, but I read the first one and it was him telling a friend that he had feelings for this other girl (Michelle) and that he didn't know what to do but he had been considering breaking up with me. So I asked him how he felt (I didn't mention reading the messages), and he admitted he'd been having doubts about us. We talked stuff over, and it wasn't brought up again for about another month, but in the meantime we had been out for a few parties and such and he was as affectionate as ever, as if there were no problems at all.

We spoke again, he said he wasn’t still having doubts and that he felt better. Things didn’t improve and a couple of months later started getting worse because he started spending a lot of time with this Michelle (I also knew he was cancelling plans with me to spend time with her, but didn’t want to confront him). He started getting very snappy when I spoke, and then I decided I’d had enough and asked him what he thought was going on between us. He said he had feelings for someone else and broke up with me, saying that he needed time to work out if he “cared for me more than he realised”. I was devastated, and unfortunately panicked and tried to get back with him instead of giving him space. We got back together about a week later (although this is what I wanted, I didn't force him and said to him I only wanted this if he was 100% sure that was what he wanted).

Between then (end of June) and now, he has been sending so many mixed messages that I just don't know what to think anymore. At first he was affectionate and attentive, then he started to pull away again and I heard that he'd been telling people that he hadn't wanted to get back with me and that I'd manipulated him into it. Then I decided I'd had enough and started to pull away myself, and he immediately started questioning why I was being so distant and why I hadn't put "x's" at the end of messages (which I thought was a ridiculously petty thing to bring up, but anyway). If I said we needed to talk he would say “these conversations never end well for me”, in reference to when I broke up with him twice, which if he wanted out would surely be doing the work for him so it’s odd that he would be worried that I might have intended to end things.

We finally properly talked stuff over and he told me exactly why he'd been having doubts, etc. One night he told me that he felt a lot better about everything since we'd talked, and that he was no longer having doubts, and I genuinely hadn't been so happy in a long time. He also mentioned that when we get back together things seem to be much better.

He said this to me again a couple of weeks ago, and then I went away for a week. When I got back (Tuesday, earlier this week) he was overly-affectionate again, telling me that he hadn't realised what he'd had until I'd gone and that he felt so good about us being back together and he had also bought me a gift while I was away (he used to buy me surprise random presents but stopped when the whole 'having doubts' thing started).

So I was so happy about it all, thinking everything was going well and looking up. Then on Friday night, a mutual friend sent me a message telling me that Harvey had told him that he thinks he's too young to be in a relationship, and since he's never had another girlfriend how can he be sure that he's feeling what he thinks he's feeling. He then went on to say that he wanted to be able to have fun and not be trapped in a relationship because if he stays with me then he's already determined who he will be with for a huge part of his life, and that he wants to break up and he's determined to stick to his decision this time. He also mentioned that he still had feelings for Michelle, but couldn't have a relationship with her but he wished he'd tried earlier in the year.

So yesterday I decided to see him and ask what is going on, but I chickened out. He kept saying I seemed very said and kept hugging and kissing me. At one point I made a joke about me being young, free and single and he seemed a little offended (as in, he didn't like the idea of me not being with him. Admittedly, I didn't think before making this joke or I'd have kept my mouth shut). When he had to go home early for work he immediately sent me a text to apologise and asked if I wanted to go to dinner on Monday. Basically, although he was quite distant, he certainly wasn't behaving like someone who 12 hours earlier had been telling a friend he wanted to dump me.

To sum up: I'm very confused and I don't know what to do. He's not making any sense. I'm not convinced he wants to break up at all, because the thing he said about how can he know if he's feeling what he thinks he's feeling implies that he does have strong feelings for me but that he has nothing to compare them to. I think it might just be that he sees his single friends going out and getting with loads of girls and is a bit jealous, but underneath that he does want to be with me. More than anything I think he's immature and probably very confused himself.

I just need some advice on what to do: I'm loathe to break up with him myself because I think after 3 break ups already this really would be the final one and I'm not sure I'm ready to lose him on purpose. At the same time I'm not particularly anxious to sit and wait for him to do the breaking up and I'm sick of us going around in circles. I really just want him to grow up and come to his senses so we can be happy together, I'm quickly losing any hope for that. I'm strongly considering suggesting a break for at least a fortnight, to give him that space he didn't get from breaking up, but I'm worried he'll try to turn that into an actual break up.

Again, sorry for the length of this, I didn't want to leave anything out. Thank you for reading, and any advice would be much appreciated!

SHORT VERSION (since the above really is a lot)
I treated him badly then realised my mistake. Few months later I find out he's been considering breaking up with me and he has feelings for someone else. He tells me he's been having doubts, things seem good. We speak again and he reassures me that he's no longer having these doubts. Then he starts spending most of his time with this other person, then he breaks up with me. We get back together too quickly but things seem good again. Then I find out he's been saying that he didn't want to get back with me, so I try pulling away and he starts chasing me. We talk about everything in-depth, he says he's feeling a lot better about us and that he's happy and not having doubts (says this on 3 different occasions). A mutual friend tells me he wants to break up again because he thinks he's too young to be in a relationship and he doesn't think he can be sure thtt he's feeling what he thinks he's feeling for me. So I go to meet him to ask what is going on but end up avoiding the issue (bad move), he is very affectionate and doesn't behave like someone who wants to end things. Aaaand in conclusion, I'm confused by his going around in circles and his mixed messages and I would like some advice on the best course of action.

[cheekxs]

im tired of reading long shit. maybe later

[evathorn]

Haha fair enough, it is a lot. I've added a short version onto the end, though obviously it's missing the details but anyone can get the gist from that and if they need clarification then there's the long version also

[cheekxs]

ohh sorry i did not saw the short version. lol


How old are you guys? sounds to immature to me.

And i think if you have a relationship with someone, it should be between you 2. And not what friends said, or gossip and stuff.
Even tho i think if you hear weird stuff or things a lot of times, you may have to keep it in the back of your head.
And sometimes deal with it.

But if you know the person somehow you know what you have and dont need to depend that much on what others tell you.
But advice of a parents or good freind is always good to listing to it,even tho it may be for no use.
Cause when you are in love you may not see a lot of things that you need to see.

And if he broke up for another girl i think there
most have been your turn to draw a line.
You have your own values and opinion 2 right?

so why do you let him decide when he want to be with you?
why dont you make clear to him that you dont want this .
its like kindergarten. when he wants he comes and play around.


i dont think you guys are mature or serious. just leave it and get busy with school

[evathorn]

Oh no it's ok, I added the short version after you replied! My fault, wasn't clear about that.

We're both 22.
Well as far as I am concerned I am serious about this (or was, until a couple of months ago, it's turned into a joke I admit). I know I should have drawn the line when I found out about the other person, but that's why I mentioned my own issues earlier on in our relationship: I didn't think it was fair or right to not give him a second chance after he gave me two.
Obviously he's not being mature about any of this. I think that is the problem, he isn't mature enough to make a decision about us and he knows that I've waited this long so he thinks he can keep stringing me along without committing either to me or to making a decision to end it. I know I do need to tell him I'm not putting up with it anymore, but I've been telling myself that for the last few months. It's all about manning up and taking the plunge I suppose.

Also about the guy who told me about him, I have no reason to distrust him. He's not the type to get involved in other people's relationships normally, nor would he have anything to achieve by making stuff up (if anything he'd have a lot to lose if my boyfriend were to find out!). He said he was only telling me because he thought my boyfriend was being very immature about the whole thing, he didn't agree with anything he was telling him and he thought I had a right to know. Either way, even if it turns out to be untrue, it's not something I'm going to ignore because it's supported by my boyfriend's history of messing me around.

Thanks for your reply btw, much appreciated! (:

[smackie9]

He is young and wants to have more than one thing going on in his life...obviously this is not for you. Walk away from him and go no contact.