Relationship advice please!

[cg87]

Hi,

A few days ago, my girlfriend and I split up. Or at least i think we did. We have had a few problems down the line, mainly insecurity issues. We have been together for just under a year and it has been a long distance relationship. Her previous relationship was with someone who was extremely abusive, both physically and mentally and since then she has been depressed. She has been going through counselling for a number of months an her GP has put her on antidepressants because she is so down and even had suicidal feelings.

When we first got together, about a year ago, things were perfect and even after a a week of being with each other, we both realised that we were in love. However, a few months in she said she had been hiding how much her past relationship had affected her. It has made her depressed and she takes things out on me because i'm the closest person to her. Also, because of her ex she is extremely insecure and always thinks im cheating etc, which i would never ever do because i love her so much.

We had planned to move in together before the end of the year, however a few months ago she told me that she cheated on me. She admitted it straight away and said it was the biggest mistake of her life. She said that she couldnt explain why she did it, but she felt scared of moving away from friends and family and just wanted to feel like she had no responsibilities.

I forgave her for this, and took her back. I put it down to the fact she is depressed and stuff to do with her ex. Also, i really dont understand how her mind works, and she doesnt think rationally or like a 'normal' person. Things were going really well, she put aside her insecurities and started to treat me perfectly. This was short lived and she soon began to become insecure again. It is not only her that is insecure though, because i worry every time she goes out etc because of what has happend in the past.

Anyway, during our relationship, she has been depressed and cut herself off from her friends. She said that i was the only thing in her life that made her happy and without me she wouldnt want to exist. However, after taking anti depressants for a month, she started to seem happier and started socialisng more and seeing friends she has seemed a little distant with me and has questioned wether she truly wants me. This was heartbreaking because of how she used to be. One week she will say she loves me more than anything and wants a future, then the next week she will go out with her friends and not come home until the next morning ( i believe her when she says she ahsnt cheated) and starts to question her feelings, saying she wants to feel young and have fun etc. (im 25 and she's 22)

She quit her job a few weeks ago because she found it unbearable and it made her extremely unhappy. She would call me saying she was crying in the toilets and that she couldnt cope. Therefore when she quit her job, she thought she would become happy and that we would be perfect as a result of her finally being happy. This doesnt seem to be the case, and it seems to have worsened things. Our plan was that she would apply for jobs where i live and we would move in together.

So, this week, she was supposed to be staying at my house for 2 weeks, and applying for jobs where i live, so we could finally live together. Things were perfect (so i thought) and she seemed really happy. Then after a few days, she said she felt isolated and didnt want to move in anymore because she would miss her friends and family too much. But in the past she has said this isnt a problem and she could visit them. Then, the day after, she told me that she didnt have the same feelings for me and wasnt happy.

This came as a complete shock to me. I thought that when she quit her job, we would be perfect as she would be feeling happy. She told me that she does still love me, and would do absolutely anything to get the feelings back. When i asked her if she wanted to be with me, she said she did, but didnt see how it would work. So she has gone home for some space to see how she feels and if she misses me etc. She said that she hopes she misses me enough and realises shes made a huge mistake.

The same day she went home, she text me saying that she loves me and misses me. I'm so confused and dont know what to do. i truly believe we could be perfect and have an amazing future. ive never met anyone as perfect (even though we have our problems) and i just want things to be the same.

Sorry for the essay, i just feel so lost and confused about how she feels, and i dont know what to do.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[Alexa103]

I dont want to come off rude or anything but it actually seems like she has a lot of issues with herself!
Its beautiful that you are that kind of person that cares for somebody that has been through stuff and that you stand behind her!
BUt there is hardly anything else you could do ..you are already givin her all the security and love you can
you letting her decide how she feels about you .. and well you can wait how she decides.

BUT you should also take some time to reflect if you want that sorf of relationship! She changes her mind every day as you say and well that really seems like
shes got some unresolved problems with herself. Do you wanna stay in a relationship when she treats you like this!

[cg87]

Hi Alexa, Cheers for the reply!

I know what you're saying, my friends keep telling me the same, and i can understand were you're coming from. But its hard because ive never felt this way about anyone ever, and the good times we had are absolutely perfect. I do know she has some issues of her own, a lot of awful stuff has happened to her in her past and it has obviously affected her badly. I just want to be there for her to help her through them and have a future.

The thing i dont understand is how she can say she doesnt love me the same, but still say she loves me and wants us to work..andmisses me and hopes she gets the feelings back. To me it doesnt make any sense! I asked her if she'd felt this way for a long time and she said she hasnt :s I guess i also feel like i'll never be able to find anyone as good as her. She really is my ideal woman and ive never met anyone so similar to me...

[No1uno000]

You poor, poor thing. You really seem like a great guy. Alot of men wouldn't sit by and take this. I have to agree with the previous comments. She truly does have some unresolved issues within herself. I know when you love someone so much, you feel like you can be the one thing that chages them. I don't think that's possible in this case. She has your complete support and love, but (as harsh as this may sound) it seems to me that she is abusing that. As long as you continue to forgive her and coddle her, she will allow you to do it. Do you really want to live the rest of your life being accused of cheating, or not knowing what "person" you're coming home today every day? I really don't mean to be harsh. No one deserves to live through an abusive relationship. She needs patience, and support. You can give her that, but maybe from a distance. You can't carry an entire relationship yourself. As pure as your heart seems to be, I think you deserve to be much happier than you are right now. My advice: Let her go. It will hurt, but it will get easier. She needs your support in this as much as she needs it with everything else. Don't allow her to take you for granted either.

Best of luck

[Cheekxss]

I think you know her to short to talk about love and perfect couple and crap.

She have a lot of issues and serious issues so she need to stop dating and seek consul so she the depressions can stop.

You dont know her that well so you may be more like a problem if she choose to go to console.
Cause you only talk about fantasy stuff. And dont know her that well and have a deep
real relationship with her so you can be a support when she go's true the therapy.

And all you talk about is love this, inlove that, and what you feel and want. that's not important right now for her.
she needs people like her mother and family , people that really knows and love her and understand words that she
feels but cant say.
So she can get help with the consequences the abuse of her ex have on her.