Did she intend to cheat on me?

[nycman]

So my girlfriend and I have an episode that we cannot get past, or let's say I can't get past. I know I did wrong, but after dating exclusively for several months, I looked at her phone a few months ago and saw a long text conversation with an ex boyfriend (7 years ago) who is now a celebrity chef. In the texts, he was flirting with her saying that he missed her touch, etc., but she did not respond to these overtures. Instead, she was asking him questions about his restaurant over the course of several weeks (which is how she initiated the contact with him). And then he mentioned that his home was being renovated and that he was staying at a hotel. She responded that the hotel was across the street from her apartment, that he should have asked to stay with her, and then proceeded to ask him how late he was working that night. He was responding positively, meaning he wanted to see her. After he said he could come no earlier than midnight, she said that was too late and the text conversation ended. This was a couple of weeks before I saw it on her phone.

I confronted her about it via email and so we had an email exchange for several hours. Her immediate response was that she did not intend to do anything, that he used to do this to her all the time (flirt, ask for fling, and then change mind) and she was simply getting back at him for this. Then a few hours later her response was that she would never have sex with him, that he was too over weight. And then finally when we talked in person the next evening she said that she wanted to meet him (not at her apartment, but for coffee or a drink somewhere) to see if he at some point in the future would talk to and provide advice on the restaurant industry for a friend of hers. I told her this doesn't make sense, that she clearly invited him over, and that he would be expecting sex after being invited to her apartment, late at night, after a flirtatious text exchange. Her response is that the get together with him was intended solely as a means to extract a favor for her friend who needed advice, was necessary to have in person as opposed to a text (given that she was asking a favor of him), that it wasn't to be at her apartment, that there was no desire or intent on her part to have sex with him, and that it clearly didn't happen since she has the text telling him midnight was too late.

So what do you ladies think? I think she wanted to have sex, but didn't because it was too late. Obviously, if she really wanted it, she would have gone through with it. But I am bothered that she went as far as she did, and that she then lied about it. Maybe I expect to much, but I want someone who isn't thinking about setting up flings with ex boyfriends on the side and who is honest with me.

[JB9]

IMO, your first mistake was to address this issue via email and not face to face(you can't see her body language, good indicator). Her immediate response and the forementioned information after is lame, especially that she wouldn't have sex with him because he is over-weight. If he wasn't, would she have sex with him? Probably....

I do not think your expectations are too high, you have clearly stated you want someone who is honest with you. If she is not honest with you, why are you with her?

[Cerby]

I think trust needs to be a bit deeper than what you're at here. Did she cheat? No. If she wanted to, the option was there and available, she didn't take it. You need to learn that people will, and do flirt with your girlfriend all the time. If she wants to cheat on you she will, but she didn't, and hasn't. End of story.

Secondly, in agreeance with JB9, do NOT have a serious conversation through email or text. Even the phone is a last resort, face to face is the only real option.

[nycman]

Thanks for the feedback. Yes, I agree that trying to sort these things out by email is a bad idea. As well, since she had the chance but did not cheat, maybe the intention wasn't there to begin with, or at least not strong enough to follow through. Thanks again!