I'm Selfish and Trying to Change - Need Help in Specific Situation

[LotusProphecy]

My boyfriend and I have been together for fourteen years. Because of my family situation (chronically ill family member that I care for), we don't live together, but we see each other every day and spend a lot of time together.

Long story short, I am a very self-centered person. I am selfish, and uncaring about others. Usually I only think about what I want, and doing what I want, without thinking about how it will affect other people. My boyfriend is a wonderful, caring person, who is very selfless and giving. We have struggled for many years to try and help me become less selfish. I will try for a couple of months, but inevitably slide back into being selfish and only thinking about myself again. I usually end up hurting my boyfriend, because I kind of steamroll over him and his feelings with my selfishness.

I'm trying to change that this time, by doing the right thing in each situation, rather than just trying to tell myself "I'll change".

Months ago, we heard a friend was getting married and we were both invited to the wedding. Off and on I would mention to my boyfriend that we needed to book a flight and hotel room and he kept putting it off and seemed to be unwilling to forward me the wedding info so I could do it myself.

A couple of weeks ago, we had a pretty bad argument. I had gotten REALLY selfish again and I hurt his feelings quite badly by basically being a jerk to him. At that point, he said that he did not want to go to the wedding with me, and that I could contact our friend if I wanted to go seperately. Basically, he broke up with me and said he would deal with the social awkwardness of telling our friends at the wedding that we were no longer together.

We spent a few days apart, then got back together and talked things over. We agreed to try and mend things, and help me become a better person.

However, nothing more was said about the friend's wedding. I never contacted the friend myself, because I didn't want to say something awkward, especially after my boyfriend and I patched things up. At one point I said "Can I go with you to our friend's wedding?" and he made a noncommittal kind of "ehhhhh" sound that I took to mean "we'll see", but he didn't bring it up again.

The wedding is now two weeks away and I don't know if my boyfriend got himself a ticket/hotel, if he booked tickets/hotel for the two of us, or if he hasn't booked anything at all. I really need to ASK him about it, so I can make plans if I need to. But I don't know if my boyfriend is still sticking with "I said I didn't want to go to the wedding with you", even though we've been getting along well and talking about things since then.

So, I need to ask him about what's going to happen in two weeks. However, everything I come up with in my head sounds terribly selfish - and frankly, it IS selfish. "Am I going with you to our friend's wedding?" - things like that. Obviously I am asking him because I WANT to go, without thinking about what HE wants/how HE feels about it. I don't KNOW how he feels, at this point, about me going to the wedding. I don't know how to ask, or what to say, that isn't selfish.

Should I not say anything and just assume he doesn't want me to go with him? Should I bring it up by asking "Have you made plans for our friend's wedding?"

What's the right thing to do in this situation?

[Lor]

To be honest it sounds like the two of you are selfish, you because you're telling me you are, and him by not giving an answer. You can be the 'good guy' in the relationship and still be a dick now and then. Honestly it sounds like he doesn't want to go with you because he's still hasn't moved past the point where the conversation started (since it seems like you two were fighting when it was mentioned, or had been recently) if he wanted you to go he'd have mentioned it. People don't forget things they care about, not to say he doesn't care about you, but it sounds more like avoiding a topic. If I don't want to do something I use the words "I'm only doing this for you" probably sounds quite romantic, but that's my way of putting across that I'm prepared to make a sacrifice, that I'm doing something I don't want to for my lass. If your lad has just avoided the topic then he can't really want you to go, even if he tells you he does (and if he's a good guy, he will, to spare your feelings) but honestly if you're "Giving it another go" and he doesn't want to go to something like a friends wedding with you, it doesn't sound like he's over it. 'Giving it another go' isn't the hard option, its the easy one. Its the point where you say "I'm not ready/brave/confident enough to move on" (not saying all three apply at once) I'm also not saying its a bad idea to stick with a relationship you care about, but relationships need to mature just the same as people. a strong sign of a strong relationship is generally when it becomes accepted that you'll turn up to things like that as a pair, its not like your friends wedding is going to be ruined by you two not turning up as a couple, or at least it shouldn't, or it'd reflect pretty badly on their relationship too.

You at least, need to confront him. Silence is easy, silence gives you the comfort that you didn't put yourself out there to get screwed over, but how many times can people honestly say that the best decision, made from a well thought through process, results in you being quiet about something from your partner. The idea that relationships should be open, that the two should feel comfortable speaking their minds about anything, is not a 'nice thing to have', its a friggin' given (and i'd use harsher language if I wasn't too new to this forum to know its feeling on bad language), its a sacred sign that something is wrong, if you've got more bad days than good days, change it or get out.

[InYourFACE]

Its annoying to read so many times that yu know about your behavior but you are not doing much hard work to change it.

So i think he must be annoyed with you for real.

And why wait just to go to the wedding with someone.
Why dont you call way before if you really care.
And ask.