passion without love?

[uncle.gaston]

Hi,

This is my rather confusing situation: I've met a girl and I fell in love with her. The problem is that she has a boyfriend. After a few months I decided to tell her my feelings for her, and from that moment on, the strange relationship started. She just answered "oh no, don't fall in love with me, I have a boyfriend". But the point is, seeing my pain, she started hugging me and even kissing me, saying "You're such a marvellous, nice guy, it hurts me to see you so sad". Then she proposed me an unbelievable thing: to go to bed with her.
A man in love cannot refuse such an offer and thus we went to bed (I know, it's bad, she has a boyfriend).
Afterwards, when I wanted to know if this ment she would leave her boyfriend, she said that she loved him and that going to bed with me wasn't cheating because she wasn't in love with me.

This strange relation is going on for a year now. We go to bed with each other, we kiss and hug, but every time I tell her I love her, she anwers that I'm so kind and that she likes me, but that she's not in love with me. She loves her boyfriend. When I tell her that she's lying to her boyfriend, since he doesn't know about our relationship, she simply answers me "I know, but I really love my boyfriend."

I don't understand this anymore! We have a passionnate, intimate relationship, but she consideres me only as a friend?
How can her body language tell such a tenderness and love, while her words tell "it's just friendship". This intimate relationship makes me desire her even more.

Girls on the forum, I really do love her more than anything in the world, but why this strange behaviour? What does it mean?

[vashti]

It means she's a promiscuous cheater, and that she enjoys having you wrapped around her finger. Obviously.

What are you going to do?

[uncle.gaston]

Wow, that answer feels like a slap in the face... (no hard feelings however)

Honestly, I don't think she's wrapping me around her finger, I mean, she's a very beautyfull girl, and she could get any guy she
wants. I don't see why she would play with my feelings. I know her as a very friendly, warm and sensitive person that would do no
harm to anyone. She says she's sad when I tell her I miss her, that means that she has feelings for me (I think). I don't think
she wants to do me harm.
When I talk to her, we seem to understand each other perfectly.
She complains about her boyfriend to me. So I think she might want to leave him, but when I ask her that questions, she answers
(as always the same thing) "no I love him, and he loves me. I'm not cheating, I'm not in love with you".
About her "cheating", I don't care about the fact that she's cheating on her boyfriend. But I can't understand how you can tell to
love someone and lie to that person.
I still can't get it why she gives me tenderness, but tells it's not love. I mean, I can understand somehow that going to bed can
be "for the sex only", but when a girl hugs a boy, holds him very tight, starts kissing him in his neck, on his shoulder, on his
mouth, can that mean that she likes him but isn't in love with him?

What am I going to do? I don't know, I just know that I love her very much and that I want a real relationship with her. I feel
she's the one and only. I want more than her "body", I want her heart.

[vashti]

she could get any guy she
wants. I don't see why she would play with my feelings.

No, she COULDN'T get any guy she wants. Most guys wouldn't tolerate the nonsense she is putting you through.

You aren't going to have her heart, she's already told you this.

[surfhb]

Dude....you are being played! You really want to fall in love with a cheating skank? Because that's what she is. You're not in a unique situation.....men AND women have been doing it for centuries. Punch yourself because you are acting really lame sucker!

She's using you for sex only and she's told you this.... That's fine I guess. This is just my opinion but being "other guy" just makes you look like a complete pussy.

[KingZ]

Uncle Gaston is making himself look like an enormous klootzak.

[smackie9]

Just because you are in love with her doesn't have to mean she feels the same way. You can have sex without love...sex and love are two different things. You have put this girl up on a pedestal where she doesn't belong. She is no angel, no goddess, she is not this loving caring person that you make her out to be.....in reality, she is a cheater, a user, a self entitled bitch and has no conscience to speak of. She found you to be weak enough that she can control you. You are a big pussy, a sucker, a weak ass loser. You lack any kind of confidence...you live off the scraps of another man's women. If you had any self worth you wouldn't have gone near her, knowing she is a cheating whore. Sure it's alright to maybe throw a hump into her if that is what she wants.....but to be the other guy hoping she will be yours someday....you are an idiot, a fool. I bet money on it, you are not the only one other than her BF she is boinkin.

[Boisdevie]

Uncle Gaston is making himself look like an enormous klootzak.

Klootzak. Is that another word for dickhead?

[smackie9]

1. klootzak

A derogatory word in the Dutch language. Literally, it means "nutsack", but is used in the same situation in which "asshole" is used in English.

[uncle.gaston]

more or less, klootzak means jerk, or asshole in the sense of annoying person that causes harm...

[surfhb]

more or less, klootzak means jerk, or asshole in the sense of annoying person that causes harm...

Yep! That's you for sure

You are second rate emotionally and in bed.....how's it feel pussy?

[uncle.gaston]

Actually it feels ... interesting to see your reactions on this forum.
One asks a question, and gets a payload of insults, very mature guys, respect!
But where's the answer to my question?
If she wants a ****friend, why is she giving affection?
It's completely stupid, because a ****friend in love is dangerous.
So I'll give it a last try on the forum, because I still believe not every member is a frustrated ass that gets pleasure by insulting people who ask a question.

Bottomline: I'll ask the question again without any emotion:

Why does a girl that is very pretty (and everyone I know says she's hot) and that could get anyone in her bed, starts showing affection to a ****friend? It seems to me that a ****friend in love has to be avoided at all cost, because that kind of guy is out of control and could inform her BF (love and hate are not far away from each other).

To the girls that really want to answer (vashti?): I'm not a complete fool, I know that it's probable that she has other ****friends. I've also thought about the possibility that she's just a manipulating bitch who enjoys having "male slaves in love". But could the possibility also exist that she actually feels something for me, but cannot leave her BF? Once she told me "I cannot leave my BF, he would be very angry if I did". Girls, you opinion?

To the people that get a mental orgasm by posting that I'm a pussy/sucker: I did not ask you to judge me, so Sodemieterop! (yeah that's dutch).

[steviej]

You are judging her by your standards - to you, a person cannot show intimacy and affection without it meaning something more.

It is not that simple, this girl views sex differently, she enjoys what she has with you, she is affectionate towards you as a friend, but she doesn't have feelings towards you that you want her to.

This has been going on a year, nothing has changed. It isn't likely to either.
Your choices:
Put up with it - you're getting sex off a girl you desire. Downside is you'll never have her and you will not be able to emotionally move on whilst this carries on. You'll never get a proper girlfriend either, you'll be in limbo and it will get you down.

Or, put a stop to it and all contact with her. You're in love with her, you cannot stay friends, it has to be a clean break. Ideal situation, she realises what she's missing, dumps her boyfriend and comes running to you!
Realistic situation, she finds another f**k buddy but tries to manipulate you with text messages about missing you yet still has her boyfriend.

Move on from her, find someone who reciprocates your feelings. This girl isn't worth it.

[MsAdele]

I'm inclined to agree with StevieJ, you will need to cut all contact with her in order to get on with your life. I think you already know whats going on but you are afraid to end it because you are not entirely having a bad time out of this situation. Realistically if she had any feelings for you after 12 months of having an affair do you think she would still be with her boyfriend. She is completely maniupulating you and as you say she is enjoying having you as a "male slave in love". She knows that you would do anything for her, yet she leaves your bed and goes back to her boyfriend (every time) who she has mentioned numerous times that she loves and does NOT love you and never will. She has the best of every world here, she has a guy who professes his undying love for her at every available opportunity and yet she loves her boyfriend. If you stay with her you will remain her F**k buddy and nothing else. She has no respect for you and will never have a relationship out of it. I would suggest to cut all contact I wouldnt even suggest getting straight in to another relationship you need to take time to recover from this one and then maybe move on to a girl that can show you love then yours won't be unrequited. This situation that you are in now is dead end. I know this seems harsh and is probably hard for you to take but its the truth and you need to face it.

[uncle.gaston]

Steviej, MsAdele: thanks a lot for your answers, guys!

Actually, the sentence "She has the best of every world here, she has a guy who professes his undying love for her at every available opportunity and yet she loves her boyfriend." has made me think. Could it be simply stuff like: Today, I need some basic sex, I'll seduce a guy for a one night stand (yes, she told me she's already done that). Tomorrow, I need some romantic sex and I want to be desired, I'll call "uncle gaston", the day after, I need some stability for the future: where's my BF?

Concerning the evolution, in the past year, one thing that has changed is that in the beginning, she went away "timely" in order not to create suspicion, while the last 3-4 months, she leaves "quite late" and not really worrying anymore. She also says that she'd like to spend more time with me. She's taking risks: last month she arrived way too late at a date with her BF (hence missing the beginning of a movie in a theatre) because she left me too late.
I don't know if these are significant changes or not. Realistically, I don't think so. But I do think she has to be more carefull.