Ending it after our first arguement

[Eski]

Hi. I'm lost. I have nobody right now. Even if you just read this, thanks.

I'm 18. I've never really been in love, had the odd relationship or fling here or there. Life was getting a bit tough when I met her. I met her online, and we talked on skype. Soon I confessed my love for her and she felt the exact same. I'd never felt this way about someone before. But that was only the start. See, i'm very insecure about myself. About my looks too. And I told her that. I also told her about issues I had about being suicidal, and friendship issues. I told her everything. I'd never really done this before. Every single day we talked, we stayed up till all hours of the night for countless days straight just talking. We started camming soon and we were deeply in love. I was falling deeper in love with her each day.

Soon we met up. It was on her birthday weekend, and because of her situation with her family it was the only time we could meet up. I never had too long with her, but I held hands with her, and she initiated the kiss on me. It was one of the happiest days I'd ever had. She said she felt the same. We were constantly talking, keeping in touch, telling eachother we love eachother. Reassuring eachother, long paragraphs, late nights, all that stuff. I was still doubtful about her love for me even though she constantly re-assured me about it. The only issue we had before now was once she felt I was a bit controlling because I wanted her to stay on cam more than she would. As soon as that came up, it never felt like an arguement, more like us both saying sorry to eachother, and I agreed I'd be different. And I never did that again.

See, on Monday, I had a childhood friend pass away abroad. I'm staying alone at university, and the friends I have right now I've only met for a few weeks. I couldn't turn to anyone, but I needed her. I told her I needed to talk later on, and she had forgot about it. By the time she remembered, I had just planned a night out with my friends. The pain kicked in that night. It was the first time I was on my own in my bed, and tears fell. I've never lost someone this close before in my life, and so it hurt. I needed her. The next day, she seemed really busy. She replied back in text very slowly, and I understand she was in school, but then the stress started kicking in. For the first time, she wouldn't have time for me, and she never made it really clear, but that's what it was. I wasn't used to this. I needed her but she said all this was too much and clearly she was stressing a lot about school. I tried to keep my cool and keep my emotions in, and just told her it'd be alright and that I was there for her. All the while, I was dying inside. I needed someone to talk to. I decided I'd wait till her project was over and then talk to her. But at the same time, I felt neglect. I know it's a stupid feeling, because I should've been understanding of her work. But that's how I felt at the time. I was an emotional wreck and couldn't control it.

Come Friday night, she told me she was all done with it and she'd have time for me. It was about 5pm, and I wanted to talk to her. She fell asleep whilst we were texting eachother and I was left wondering what she was doing. Only the next day she told me she had fallen asleep. I still needed her, more than ever now. It was saturday morning, she was finally free. I asked her if she could get on skype, but she said she couldn't because of her brother or something. I wasn't used to this, her saying no. Looking back on it I should've accepted all this, but it ended up how it ended up, and I do regret it. So anyway, she then stopped replying to my texts for around 4 hours, only for me to find out she was watching a few movies. After she was done she popped up on skype. We started talking, but her replies seemed a bit dry. See, before this, this whole week I was constantly feeling like she didn't love me, and the doubts I had previously never helped. It was mainly paranoia I guess, but that's just the way I am. I'm insecure because of my past. I also felt like she never cared anymore, as it was the first time she was doing other things over me freely. We were talking a bit when suddenly she stopped replying for about half an hour. I then asked if she was there and she replied "Sorry, I was just camming with a girl mate". That just totally killed me inside. I really felt like she didn't care at all anymore, and I don't know what went through my mind, but I ended up telling her I couldn't do this anymore and that I was done. She asked me if I was breaking up and I said I don't know. I can't even remember what was going through my mind. A few minutes later I finally regretted it. After she tried to find out what was wrong, she suddenly became really angry at me for saying that. Before, I had promised her forever, but I had said something like this. I'd never seen her mad at me, or put me down. But she totally ripped me apart. She turned it around and made it clear she wanted to end this, because I'm controlling and always want to know what she's doing. I'm really not like that, it was just a hard week in my life. I told her, but she didn't really comment about it.

I begged for her for a while, and she kept ripping me apart, until she finally said she needed to sleep over it. I never slept that night, I just couldn't. At around 6am she text me telling me she can't live with me always being like this (even though it was the first time I'd really hurt her) and that she wanted to end it. I kept asking her to stay for a bit more, and finally she said if I could resist not talking to her for a week then "we'd be okay". I don't know. I'm just so depressed right now, I don't know what to do. I'm living in fear. What if she randomly texts me saying that it doesn't matter and we're done. I haven't lived without her for the past few months and its hard. I want to get used to it for her, but I don't want to lose her. Is she going to leave me? Its the first time I've fallen in love and I'm completely lost on emotions, feelings, and thoughts. I'm empty.

[InYourFACE]

longgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

[BackUpOrGetStng]

She's going to leave you if you don't get a ****ing life and stop being up her ass all day and all night.

[Boisdevie]

I for one didn't have enough energy left to read all of that.

[Cerby]

I read it, and somewhat agree with backup's statement. It sounds like this is an online relationship with some limited texting (or unlimited I guess). You were needy, expecting her to respond immediately to everything, all the time. She wanted to watch a movie or two, you needed her to be there for you. You essentially were asking her to live her life for you, and everything else was second. Neediness isn't an attractive quality.

Eventually she was talking to another friend, so you pulled the "If you don't pay more attention to me I'll break up with you". She called you out on your shit and now its pretty much over.

A couple of lessons here, firstly, online relationships are stupid, secondly, neediness is a costful habit that most independant people will only deal with for so long.