Partner has left due to my actions, now what?

[Kickingmyself]

Hi all,new to the forum so please excuse any etiquette mistakes I may make!

My partner of two years has recently finished with me. He was probably right to do so. Our relationship started out well however I did unfortunately come with baggage. As I have done in many a relationship, I have essentially become verbally abusive. I am not proud of this and have obviously realised the effect of my actions. I was blind to this during our relationship and would like to clarify that it was never my intention. I am a clinical psychologist, ironic I know, and realise that the baggage I had resulted in me attacking my partner rather than dealing with my own issues. I was critical of him, controlling, and essentially he became less of a person through this. It sounds like he now, understandably, has lost his identity and no longer feels close to me. I always knew what buttons to press to Herson although I do not feel it was intentional although on some unconscious level I suppose it had to be my aim was to have a go

We have broken up on the number of occasions over the past two years, albeit, a few hours at a time. Each time i said i would change and obviously never have done. The lack of changes I made were not due to not trying or not wanting to change but looking back I did not get to the root of the difficulties but instead floated on the surface and therefore the abusive aspects of our relationship continued. I do believe that I am able to change, having now recognised where I have gone wrong and what my underlying issues are however my ex-partner is struggling to believe that that will be the case.

His view.

He believes that although I may be able to change the damage has already been done and is not repairable. I made him unhappy in the relationship and he does not feel in a position to spend another few months being unhappy whilst we sort out these issues. Despite this he is upset that it's worked out this way, says he loves me, believes himself to still be in love with me and liked me but is unable to see how we will overcome the distance that has come between us. He describes it as not being willing to take the leap of faith that he feels is necessary for us to be together. He seems very set on this idea, despite the conversations we have had in the last few days whereby I have shared my realisations in regards to my actions. Essentially he summed it up as if he stays single he knows he can be happy whereas coming back with me he has to be unhappy whilst working through the issues and there is arisk that things may not improve and that we would have to split up again. He has given all he can give.

My view.

I am kicking myself for not realising sooner. It has taken a very official breakup for me to reflect on my actions and to understand why I have been the way I have. I do believe in all my heart that this isn't something that would continue in the relationship. I'm not saying it would be easy but I know I could be the better person I want to be for me and him. I do appreciate his fears and the sense he has got that we are no longer close. I am really struggling to deal with the frustration in regards to not being able to realise and change sooner. I can't lie, I feel desperate for him to see that our relationship doesn't have to be the same way it has been, and that we could get past things.

So, I guess really I am just looking for some advice. Has anyone else been in this position and been able to rescue a relationship? Do people think that given time to get his life back on track he may reconsider? (I am mainly wondering this as our relationship was long distance with him working where he lives for six days and then spending four days with me. I did monopolise his time on his days off due to my own control issues and having spoken to him on his first set of days off he seems really focused on being able to chill out at home)

I would really appreciate it if people did not judge me for how I treated him. I wasn't a nasty abusive individual as you may imagine. I was just a stronger personality than he was and had a tendency to need to get things my way due to my own insecurities. For example, if he was going on a stag do I wouldn't make it particularly easy for him, I would often criticise him if he didn't do things the way I would've done them, small very unimportant things e.g. how to cut an onion!!! I have basically been on edge ready to snap at him for around 18 months and never due to anything he has actually done however he has taken the brunt of it and ended up feeling like he had to walk on egg shells around me. Needless to say he wasn't happy.

I have really thought about this and feel confident that my reaction and how much I want to give things another shot is not just the normal breakup reaction. I genuinely believe had I not have treated him the way I did we would have been okay. We had no other difficulties.

I have spent quite a few hours telling him what I have realised, how I can change, how I will change, how I would do, how he would need to change etc etc and put all that information on the table.

Do I completely walk away and live with the mistake I have made of not changing sooner and losing someone who I could have spent the rest of my life with, do I give him space and hope he comes back? Does anyone think space is likely to work given what I have done to him?

Just looking for outside views really. Any advice greatly appreciated.

Thanks

[HeartIsAching]

I did not save the relationship - but I'm successful in a new one. I was in court-ordered counseling for nearly two years due to my actions, and you CAN get better, if you really want to.

You need to stop blaming others for your actions. You need to stop denying your actions, and you need to stop minimizing your actions.

If he really still loves you (and that's a big "if"), the only thing I could see working is you actively seeking peer counseling for emotional and mental violence. After you've done that for a bit, see if he's willing to go to couple's counseling. If he isn't, then you know whether or not he does still love you.

He needs to SEE you doing something about it. Telling him you'll change means absolutely nothing, something you should know as a mental health professional.

Good luck.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Learn how to not a be a complete cunt, then find a new person to date. Your ex has a tainted view of you and the relationship, and wants to be done. If you can't respect that, then you are still the same controlling cunt that he broke up with, and you haven't changed at all. Cunt.

[Cerby]

It takes more than a few hours to change. You may realize what you've done, but you probably knew all along. Unless you make an effort to ACTUALLY change instead of just saying you will, you won't.

He would be smart to stay away from you for a while, he has given you numerous chances and you have failed to come through every time. It might be time for you to actually change, and that means going alone.

[Kickingmyself]

Thanks to those with constructive criticism. We had generally made a lot of progress anyway on my behaviours and actions, it's the underlying reasons I need to face so as I'm essentially not just putting on an act as eventually that won't work, but there was distance between us that he is understandably unwilling to reduce. I agree we need time apart and to clarify its not been a few hours, it's just been a few hours that we've sat and talked things through - was trying to get across how much we had to talk about.

As for seeing me do it, think that's my insecurity as to how he'll see if we're not together given the nature of the difficulties? He openly states he still loves me and is in love with me so hopefully time apart to think will help heal.

Thanks