Forgiving may be easy ...

[bebaba]

Hello all,

I am new to this forum but desperately need some advice and thoughts. I can ask my friends til I'm blue in the face but they'll always have a tainted view.

I've been with a guy for almost a year - I am 26, he is 39 and we used to work together. He had been married for 2 years before we got together and has 2 young children, a boy and a girl. both 3.

There was very little time between the breakdown of his marriage and the beginning of our relationship, although that does not excuse the behaviour I am about to tell you of. I am very emotional and sensitive - he is not so much, although he shows and tells me that he loves me fairly regularly (I would like it if he told me more but he's not like that). We did get very quickly involved, expressing our strong feelings early on in the relationship, but after about 5 months he seemed to stop and pull away a little, saying he needed space and that I was suffocating him.

He was due to meet me one evening but didn't pick up his phone or answer his texts. I caught him with another woman in his flat that night, someone he works with in his new job. They had been texting for a while. He didn't and has not slept with her to this day (I know this for sure) but that was awful, I've never hurt like it before. I saw other people for a while but he asked for me back, saying he was so sorry etc. then I found out he was still seeing her - strangely, I bumped into her and told her that he was still seeing me, and it seemed that he had been 'cheating' on her - with me! She wanted little to do with him since, but still seems to hover around him which I hate.

I felt for a couple of weeks that I was well shot of him - I didn't think about him as much and although I missed what we had, I was happy on my own. Then he came asking and practically begging for me to take him back, saying that he had no idea why he hurt me, left me or started seeing the other woman. I took him back. He did all the work and I had to fall in love with him all over again, which felt bizzare. It's been rocky as hell for me, and I still find it hard to trust him, but I know my gut feeling is right, he hasn't played away since. He doesn't like talking about the situation though, but I keep bringing it up, even though I have said before that I wouldnt, and that I've forgiven him. I think forgiving is the easy part, but FORGETTING, never. I love him with all my heart and he is brilliant in so many ways. I can't imagine my life without him and we get along with eachother so well.

The questions I guess I'm posing is: can we survive, me being so sensitive and emotional and still mistrusting?
And am I stupid to have taken him back?

I have only provided the bare bones and I know that without going into more detail, the tone of the events and the relationship can only be guessed at by anybody who reads this, but that would be impossible,

Many thanks in advance,

Peace and Love

[just_shane]

I was with a girl for 6 years. Around year 2 and year 3, I did bad things. We worked it out, but just like you, she forgave but couldn't forget(understandable). I changed, and was faithful, loyal, loving and devoting for the next 3 year's..but it wasn't enough to erase her pain, and eventually, the relationship was over.

That being said, its up to you to decide if you can get over the past.

If you trust him to never do it again, then its time to forget.

[Boisdevie]

but after about 5 months he seemed to stop and pull away a little, saying he needed space and that I was suffocating him.

If you want your relationship to succeed you need to find out why this happened and for that you really need to communicate. I'm an old fart of 48 and I've only just learnt how true this is. Unless he can explain how he feels your relationship is heading nowhere.
Also as you've said you cna't forget. In which case this really is doomed isn't it.

[Wakeup]

I'm not understanding why anyone would take back someone who has been unfaithful without getting professional couples therapy. There are very few people who can just get over such things and it takes the help of a mediator to help bridge the emotional disconnect that happens when trust has been severed. Sometimes even with couples and/or individual councelling the gulf remains between.

Why don't you think about asking him to go to couples councelling with you and if he won't go, well then the writing is most likely on the wall. You could also try personal therapy that, if nothing else, may help you to get out of this mindset that you love him to pieces. If you actually did love him you'd loosen the condition on that love and then you'd be able to forget as well as forgive. Unfortunately he has not shown you that he can be trusted as she apparently still seems to be very much in the picture. "She hovers around him" something, if he was serious about being with you and not making the same relationship mistake again, he'd make sure didn't happen.

There was very little time between the breakdown of his marriage and the beginning of our relationship,

Seems you may be the rebound. Google "Rebound Relationship" and read about how you may very well have been his emotional bandaid.

As an afterthought, I wonder how someone knows "for sure" that their partner hasn't been physical with another as you say you "know for sure he wasn't?" Doesn't really matter anyway because he was emotionally cheating and as you personally can attest... that's just as bad.

[bebaba]

I know emotional cheating is as bad. I am pretty darn sure they did not sleep together because I tried to catch her out about it during a heated conversation I had with her. I'm not sure where I would begin with therapy for myself - while I'm not crazy, I am very insecure. It would probably help me, I don't think he would be open to couples therapy.

I still dwell on the things that have happened and I want so much to move myself along but I can't seem to. This leads to me smothering him and him pushing me away.

Can a relationship work when there is love there, but still a set of horrible memories there? I'm so unsure.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

The questions I guess I'm posing is: can we survive, me being so sensitive and emotional and still mistrusting?
And am I stupid to have taken him back?

No you can't survive with you being so emotional and mistrusting. You haven't forgiven him, no matter how much you say you have, since you can't let it go. Time to break up.

And yes, you are stupid. The guy will cheat on you again most likely, because he knows you'll take him back, and he'll probably just need a break from you being up his ass all the time.

[Ladybuggg]

you area mess and he is a mess
work on your self esteem and get to know what love is before even talk about it!

[bebaba]

Well I believe that I know what love is, although I do realise I need to work on my self-esteem.

It is just very difficult because I am that sort of person who is good at dwelling on things, although it has become easier over the last week or so. The thoughts about him straying are becoming less frequent, so maybe it is possible to get over it slowly and while working things through in your own head.

[Ricarda23]

I dont want to be bitchy or sound harsh, but I'm honest person...I'm not there, but as far as I read you post, there is just one question I'll ask you, Why would you waste your best years with someone who wants you back just because his new other girl dumped him because he cheated on her with you and vice versa? I mean are you satisfied with this fact that he lost her and now is satisfied to go back with you since this new stuff didn't work out for him? Do you want to be with a guy like that? Sit down and think about it...You are too young to waste your life with someone who already had a wife, had a kids, had affairs...And who will probably never want to commit seriously with you in the future. I don't want people to ruin their best years on someone they do not deserve them, I'm speaking from my experience. I been there, done that. I lost 5 years of my life on someone thinking the same way you did, only thing is that he was not married...

[bebaba]

I have had these thoughts often but he is now making a go of us. I have decided to give it one last try as I do love him and I can genuinely see a future together.

It wasn't that the other girl dumped him, although in my original post, I made it sound like that - it is far more complicated. (Not that this makes it OK)

It sucks that he is older and has a chequered past like he does, but I think it all happens for a reason.

[Ricarda23]

I have had these thoughts often but he is now making a go of us. I have decided to give it one last try as I do love him and I can genuinely see a future together.

It wasn't that the other girl dumped him, although in my original post, I made it sound like that - it is far more complicated. (Not that this makes it OK)

It sucks that he is older and has a chequered past like he does, but I think it all happens for a reason.

Dont make exuses for this guy, facts are here. Who dumped who or so on doesn't matter, he cheated on you, she backed off, he went back again to you. If he is really into this then put all your cards on the table and talk to him openly about everything that bothers you. If he is the one he'd understand it and do anything to make you stay, its simple. I don't know I am not much of advice giver, its easy to say when I'm not part of this, but is much more harder to do it