What's wrong with him?

[unasonrisa]

I'm a 28-year-old woman. I'm dating a 32-year-old guy. We've been seeing each other for almost a year, and oddly, we are each other's second sexual partner ever... he was married before we got together. I was in a long, long relationship. When we first got together, we were having sex like two, sometimes even three times a day. We've had a very unusual relationship... I won't get into all the details because I could go on all day, but we've traveled around the world together and have lived with each other for up to a month at a time. A month ago, about 10 months into this relationship, we started to live together again temporarily while we looked for our places to live in the city we just moved to.

Although we've lived together for a month before in the past with no problem, this time, we started getting on each other's nerves. Very abruptly, he seemed very disinterested in sex with me... and we were having it only once every couple of days (in comparison to 2-3 times a day). Every time we kissed, he'd back out of the kiss early, as if he were afraid it were going to lead to sex.

We moved out of the place we were in into separate places, got into a huge fight, broke up for a few days, and are now back together again. Things between us are perfectly fine now... but it seems like he is still having weird issues with sex. Not that he's not interested in sex with me... but whenever we have it, he either takes forever to finish or simply doesn't finish at all. I've been trying to just get him to relax and chill out but he keeps telling me he feels a lot of pressure. Knowing it'll hurt my feelings, he comes up with excuses to get out of sex... usually like, "I need to go work on [something]" or "I'm too tired. It's too early." I'm not pressring him when he comes up with these excuses... just kissing him and not saying anything.

I don't know what the problem is. After getting back together after this breakup, we now see each other only a few times a week and we're only having sex maybe two times a week. I don't know how to make him feel any less pressured. I've tried taking things slowly. I've even told him, "Hey I don't care what happens, as long as you enjoy it." It doesn't seem to matter. I know the "honeymoon phase" ends eventually, but it just seems so abrupt and I can't help but wonder if there is something I'm missing.... and in a way, it feels like I'm having to go backwards in the relationship to accomodate.

[ttylox]

but it just seems so abrupt and I can't help but wonder if there is something I'm missing....

There's something you're missing. And you should talk to him about this. NOT right after sex, NOT when you've been [rejected] for sex, but on neutral territory, in a calm situation where you are both fully clothed. He's not havin' it with you right now - and whether those are his own issues or his issues with you - I dunno. But there's something going on and the only person who can help you figure that out, is him.

PS> If you go to him about this, don't get all weepy and accuse him of not thinking you're sexy or cheating on you - because that will only make it harder for him to be honest. Approach it like an adult, guilt trips and personal insecurities aside.

[Joemama]

Ask him if he wants anal guaranteed it goes back to normal if you start that too, otherwise post above me is spot on

[unasonrisa]

Haha.

Well, I've tried bringing it up. The first time I did, I admit I did jump to the conclusion that maybe he didn't find me attractive lately. I said, "If there's something wrong with me, you can always just be honest with me and tell me. I won't be hurt... like if I smell bad or something, I can always just shower, you know." He said it wasn't anything like that, that it wasn't that he was any less physically attracted to me, but that given all the fighting between us, he had been less mentally/emotionally attracted to me. Which I can understand! But since then, we broke up, got back together, things between us have gotten significantly better and we're not fighting, and yet still...

Even the night we got back together, he was extremely excited, I could feel it... totally hard... but he was struggling to finish.

I went to spend the night at his house about 4 days later. He was giving me plenty of attention, was close to me, very emotionally close... and we had sex for like 45 minutes and I thought he had orgasmed but when I went to the bathroom, there was nothing there... so when I came back out, I just asked, "Hey did you actually finish?" and he said, "I don't know... it was hard to tell." We had sex the next morning but he stopped and said, "It's too early for me." Both times he initiated the sex himself so I found it confusing that he couldn't finish or gave up.

I know people often immediately shoot out "cheating" when sex changes, but I don't think he's cheating on me. And I'm very sexually adventurous and have made sure he knew from the start of our relationship that I'm down to try anything... so I don't think it's that either.

But I don't know where I can go from here when someone isn't really communicating with me the full truth. I don't know if I should just accept that this is the start of a slow decline of his libido at the somewhat young age of 32... or if I should really be thinking there is more to it than that.

[ttylox]

Things like libido fluctuate a lot in relationships. It sounds like this might just be one of those times. If you approach this as a pessimist and think it's the "slow decline of his libido" then you'll end up frustrating yourself and insulting him. How long has this been an issue?

It's also very possible that he has something else going on in his life causing him stress. It might have nothing at all to do with your relationship or you - it could be that he got passed over for a promotion or he thinks he's losing his hair or they discontinued his favorite candy bar. Something could be going on in his head thats keeping him from really getting into the moment with you... and if you badger him about it and insist it's that you "smell bad" or something, you'll only make it worse.

It isn't you, he said it wasn't. So let that part go and let him know that this recent change has you confused and that you're there for him if he ever wants to talk about it or try something new to fix it. But otherwise, just understand that things go through changes - ups and downs - and that doesn't mean that when it's down it won't come back up.