Should I be completely honest about my past relationship?

[paloma]

So,

After a year of getting over a horrible break up, and feeling good about myself again, I have met someone new.

We have been talking for 2 weeks and we had our first date in the second week. Everything went great, we laughed, we ate and went to walk around at a park, it was something that felt very real , he was very respectful and is truly interested in getting to know me more. Asking me about my family, my life etc.

We are going to hang out again on Saturday, (today is wednesday) and I am really looking forward to it.

My question to you men out there is, when the time comes that he asks me about my past relationships, should I be completely honest about it? I went through a bad break up one year ago, I was with my ex bf, and I was messing around with someone else while at the same time talking to other people and going back with my other ex, It was a big back and forth situation. It was really crazy.

I know he will ask about my last relationship etc, I would really like to know what you guys think. I DO want to be really honest to him about everything, but..I find this particular topic to be a little difficult for obvious reasons.

What do ya'll think?


Thanks!

[IndiReloaded]

I'd like to know the answer to this also. Bump.

[haxan]

How do you know it's going to be a question that's asked and a subject that is brought up?

My wife and I have never 'discussed' our pasts. We know about the LTR's we've had if something simply came up that was funny or noteworthy to talk about. For instance a guy she dated was caught up in the Madoff scandal, or when we ran into the girl I dated right before I met her at the grocery store, literally, and everyone was introduced.

We've never talked about breakups, sex partners, intimate details, or things like that. I don't see or get the point, who cares? Isn't that one of those high school/college things people do just to feel out how experienced their partner is or if they feel insecure?

If he asks about your last relationship; you dated, went back and forth for a bit, it wasn't working out and you moved on. What more is there to know?

I don't seem him wanting, needing or asking to know more than that. I wouldn't ask anymore questions. My thoughts would be hey, great, you're single, we're together and we're into each other, let's see where it goes.

I think you're stressing over a) a non topic and b) a non issue.

[paloma]

I see what you're saying, and you make a great point. As far as intimate details, etc I dont think that is proper. What I was thinking is he may ask, "What went wrong in the last relationship?"

If he asks, I can probably just say, "Well it was not working out."

and if he asks for details, will it be ok to say something along the lines of what you said? " My thoughts would be hey, great, you're single, we're together and we're into each other, let's see where it goes."

I would like more of your feedack. Thanks!

[haxan]

I see what you're saying, and you make a great point. As far as intimate details, etc I dont think that is proper. What I was thinking is he may ask, "What went wrong in the last relationship?"

If he asks, I can probably just say, "Well it was not working out."

I would respect that, it's enough for me and most normal, grounded men in my opinion. No breakups or divorces are fun, why would someone press for details? I want to discover what's new, interesting and exciting that I find about you, how we are together, not know about how your past didn't work out.

That being said, it doesn't mean I'm uninterested. If someone wanted or needed to share their past, I'd be more than interested to listen.

You're stressing over nothing. If even asked, what more is there to say than "It wasn't working out, we went back 'n forth for a bit and then moved on" If asked why wasn't it working out? "We just weren't a good match".

I think that sums it up pretty well, doesn't it? Relationships/marriages just don't work out sometimes.

I would get red flags if someone started prying more than that right away, for no reason other than curiosity.

[paloma]

I completely agree with you. I think I really am over stressing about this, I didnt see it that way but now I do. Thank you so much for your advice!

[lylufy]

Why you must honest all your part ? It will be so rough if your BF ask directly, detailed your intimate between you and Ex.
The honest in love is so good. It can help avoiding misunderstands after that. But, sometime, your honest is break yourself.
You don't say it, it is still your secret. No one want to know the things can be hurt them.
Our country have an idiom like that : mouth don't talk so heart don't hurt. Ears don't hear so soul don't pain. ^^.
Believe in yourself, treat him well and keep your secret !

[kageri]

I think I'd leave out the details and just say it got complicated and maybe at most that you ended up seeing multiple people at once before ending all the difficult relationships that weren't working out.

[paloma]

Thank you, I really appreciate it

[IndiReloaded]

I think that sums it up pretty well, doesn't it? Relationships/marriages just don't work out sometimes.

Well, no. Relationships, perhaps. But marriages that don't work out have reasons. Remember, someone made a commitment to get married. That commitment was broken for a reason. A good one, I hope.

If someone formerly married told me 'it just didn't work out', I'd conclude they are either 1. Not wanting to discuss it (right now), 2. In denial, or 3. Crazy/selfish/issued. How I proceeded next would depend on which of those possibilities seemed most likely to me.

[kageri]

Marriages are no different than planned long term relationships. It's just a piece of paper. It doesn't make things work out any better. Quite often a marriage does just not work out after a couple years. I've also seen people who spent 3 years living together end their marriage after 6months and similar situations on more than one occasion. People get married with no logic sometimes.

[IndiReloaded]

Marriages are no different than planned long term relationships.

Are you married?

I've also seen people who spent 3 years living together end their marriage after 6months.

You realize you are arguing against yourself? After 3 years, something drove them to get married. The fact they divorced 6 months later screams "issues" to me. Their divorce didn't 'just happen'. Though perhaps their marriage shouldn't have. Lots to learn from people who make those kinds of decisions.

[kageri]

Are you married?

Yes for going on 4 years now.

I was using those examples to show marriage changes nothing. Getting married makes the relationship no different. It doesn't keep it from ending. It doesn't increase or decrease your promise of staying together. It's a scrap of paper and nothing more. What happens after your married depends on the relationship you made and that relationship is the same without marriage. Why marriages break up is not really any different than why relationships without marriage end.

[Maple1714]

Marriage freaks me out...I don't view myself as ever being married. What is wrong with me? Most of my friends think I'm crazy...bc they are all looking to get married or are ready. I do think that in a marriage, past relationships are discussed. I have discussed my issues with my last relationship with my BF only bc that's just how I am and I think it's good to discuss what didn't work, so you can avoid going down the same path. Ahit my BF was my roommate first and he witnessed me try to date 2 guys at once....looking back it was pretty wild.

OP - the past is the past, you don't have to be ashamed or feel guilty for things you did. You can recognize the things you've done and move forward...grow. If you are feeling uneasy about your new partner discovering the "mess" you had been in before then maybe you haven't really coped with that situation? You shouldn't be ashamed and if you are then you haven't fully moved past it.

[kageri]

I planned to never get married. I wasn't even sure I ever wanted to live with someone after my first experience. Then it just sort of happened. We were going to apply for a domestic partnership for legal and insurance reasons after he'd been living with me for awhile but that's complicated so we were married within the month and that was over 3 years ago. Now I am quite happily married. It isn't perfection but if you want perfection expect to live alone forever. It's far better than every relationship I see around me but one and even that one they nearly divorced a couple years ago and managed to fix things.

I've discussed everything I've done wrong or right in my relationships with my husband. I mostly know his past as well but he did use adult friend finder for sex that sometimes turned in to relationships for awhile and for some reason hid the pictures of the girls he'd dated and hasn't admitted how many. Just talked about a few of the crazy or long term ones. I think he was worried how I'd react and now it's been so long it's just not a conversation that would come up even though he now knows I really don't care.