Struggling to decide if a relationship is worth working at if he still wants me.

[Kingswood]

Sorry for the long post

A few months ago I started to fall for a co-worker I've known for a long time. We'd only just started meeting outside of work and I'd never before thought of him in that way. I was a bit scared going into the relationship due to a past relationship. However I let go of the past so that I could move forwards with him. I felt like I could tell him anything, discuss problems with him and was very happy. He was talking about giving me money for bills and had spent two weeks pretty much living with me. I'd asked him if he'd like to move in with me at some point in the distant future, making sure he knew it wouldn't be until at least well into next year. The idea being to get to know each other more and discuss how we were going to work it with regards to bills, chores etc. I didn't want him to move in immediately, though we had started looking at furniture with a view to saving up for it ready to buy some when he moved in, so that we could display part of his collection.

It had been going great for a month (it moved much faster than I'd planned, unfortunately I'm a very open and intense person, so I it developed very quickly), then suddenly one week he withdrew and then at the end of the week took all of his things from my house after I'd left for work. He did come to me at work and warn me that he'd taken some of his things despite the fact he'd taken everything. Later that day he told me that he wanted to go back a step and only see me two times a week. I suggested meeting three days as I want a serious relationship and to my mind two days a week is more like a casual thing.

The next day he split up with me saying he just wanted to be friends. On the Monday we met up for coffee and he said that he realised he'd made a mistake and wanted more than just friendship. However during the first week of our relationship I'd told him I'm childfree and will never have children. He didn't say anything about it at that time (I made the mistake of presuming he knew as all of my other co-workers know I'm childfree and it's something I discuss very openly) however it turns out he wants children. Initially I wanted to give him time to think about it. However after two weeks of chest pains due to the stress of not knowing I had to ask him to make a choice sooner. He decided that he didn't think he could cope with the thought of never having children in his life.

We decided to be just friends and continue working on our book together. However I still had very strong feelings for him and care about him a great deal. Over the last couple of weeks we've started getting closer again. It started off with hugging each other and has progressed to kissing and holding hands. I don’t know if he wants to be with me still or if he’d ever come to terms with the thought of never having children. However just in case he does I want to get my thoughts straight. The trouble is that I don't know where I stand and I'm not sure whether, if he decides he's happy without children and wants to be with me, he's the right person for me.

Initially I thought he was, we're very similar and like many of the same things. We find the same things funny and enjoy doing things together like going for walks etc. I could see that some of his traits might drive me crazy, though equally I was learning to adapt to them. For instance he often takes a long time to get ready and can often be late, on a Sunday morning it doesn't matter if he takes his time so I accepted it, equally if it's important to be on time he said he'd work hard at being on time and didn't mind me hurrying him along. He also likes to document the past and is oriented more towards the past, whereas I'm very much focused on the present. These were things I thought I could deal with and accept as part of him. We've had so many wonderful times even now we're not dating I love spending time with him and the other week he came round to see me four times so he obviously likes spending time with me. We always have something planned and he keeps saying in his texts that he's looking forward to seeing me and spending time together. So the friendship is there, and when he hugs me and kisses me I want to be with him.

However the problem is that he's never really grown up or learnt life lessons that most adults have. He's just turned 41. When we started dating he was 40, was a virgin, had never been with a woman or even kissed one. He's spent his entire life living in the same house with his parents. He's never moved out or lived alone or even experienced a house move. He's never had to pay household bills and doesn't understand how stressful it can be to run a home. He doesn't even do his own food shopping as his mother buys it. The only thing he’s responsible for is his car, toiletries and mobile phone. He does do his own ironing, a bit of cooking and washing up. However that seems to be the extent of his experience. He said that he was feeling very tired with working full time and dating me. He also has issues about hurting people.

Initially I believed that he was worth dealing with the massive learning curve that he’d have to deal with. I understood that he’d find it hard to suddenly come to terms with spending time with someone else and having to think about someone else’s feelings, however I thought initially that he, as a fairly sensitive man, had the ability to communicate effectively. However now I can see that he’s not as good at communicating as I thought, so I’d have to see if he’s willing to open up and talk to me or if he’ll always be shut off.

If he decides he wants to be with me is the amount of effort worth it or should I be distancing myself? Whatever happens I still want to remain best friends with him as I would miss him a great deal if we weren’t friends. So I was wondering what you think about the situation?

[toknow]

If you have to ask this question, then it's not worth it, because this is not a relationship. If you had a true relationship you would know it, and subsequently know it's worth saving.

[searock]

Whatever you decide, keep in mind that at this point, if you guys break up then you can't remain best friends, or even regular friends for that matter. It's just not possible, after what you've been through together.

As for deciding whether to stay with him as a couple or not, you're the only one who can do that. You are the only one who knows what you are able to withstand, and what you can't accept on the other hand.

Why was he a virgin for 40 years? Why didn't he ever have a girlfriend? Why does he still live with his mom?

[Chronicle113]

If he never experienced being in a relationship and if you are his first, then of course there's going to be confusion on his part. These types of feelings of being with someone and try to form some relationship with you it's going to be an overwhelming sensation. It cloudes and confuses his mind. At this point, he doesn't know how to deal with this type of change and thus giving you mixed signals of where the relationship is leading. From what you say, is more like a friend to friend relationship instead of a serious one. For him, dealing with the same surroundings can cause repetitive habits within themselves and it shows. He can't adapt and cope well with these changes. From a logical standpoint, it's basically having like a grown child around the house instead of a partner. I get it, everyone has flaws, but the situation is ultimately up to you whether you can deal with these flaws. As soon as he continue to expose himself around different enviornments, he will begin to develop himself more and thus improving your relationship with him. Like I said, it is mainly about his coping mechanism. Don't worry though, you get along with him well and you have much in common with him. If all he need to do is break his usual habits, the relationship between you too will improve immensely. He'll come around slowly but surely. It's a matter of time.

[Fruitsss]

Agree with first comment.. and stop forcing it

[basilandthyme]

there's a couple of things which would worry me:

1. given his less than successful dating history, I'd be very concerned that he'd be so desperate for a girl that he'd give up his dream of having children just to stay with you. I could not live with this on my conscience.

2. a man's 'best friend' should be his girlfriend. Having you in tow will only make it harder for him to move on and find someone new. There aren't many girls around who would be ok with their partner having a best friend of the opposite sex.

Given that you have been more successful than him when dating in the past - and are therefore more likely to be more successful dating in the future - I'd suggest you think more about his needs than your own.

Cut him loose and give him the best chance to find a lovely girl who shares his dream of having a family. Don't take his dream away.

[Gaylord Focker]

My advice is to stop breeding with kangaroos.

[Kingswood]

Thanks for all your advice, it's given me more to think about. As for why he was still single at the age of 40 he has suffered from depression for a lot of his life and never believed anyone would want to be with him. He couldn't even imagine his future and used to have suicidal thoughts. The last year his life turned around and he's started feeling much happier and cheerful. I think the depression was also the reason why he never moved out.

The reason I posted this is because he's spent a lot of time round at my house recently and hugs me and kisses me. He keeps telling me how much he's looking forward to seeing me and we have a lot of things planned. On Friday and today when we were out he kept reaching for my hand. I honestly have no idea how he feels about me, whether he just sees it as a friendship or if he's starting to want more again. I don't want to currently say anything to him as I need to know how I feel and what I want before discussing it with him. As if I don't know what I want how can I have a decent discussion about it. Also I'm not sure if even he knows what he wants at the moment. Hence why I'm trying to get my mind straight first.