Joking or not?

[tainted.doll]

This is going to make me seem neurotic but I already kind of know I am.. and I think way too deep into things that don't really need to be thought that deep into! Anyways.. my boyfriend and I have been dating for 5+ months. We hang out quite a bit but we do argue sometimes over kind of silly things. Sometimes I feel like I overcrowd him but he says he enjoys having me around too. For the most part, I can tell he's really into me. But sometimes I feel like he's not as into me as I am into him. I've brought this up to him and he tells me I'm being ridiculous. Well today as I was leaving his house, I asked if he wanted to hang out tonight and to let me know when he knows what he wants to do. He said to let him know when I know what I want to do instead, since he never has a choice.

I left then texted him once I got home saying he can do whatever he wants and I don't want to hang out with someone if they think they "don't have a choice" and he said "it was a f--king joke, grow up". Then he texted again saying that we were both joking around then I took shit the wrong way after I left and if I have someone else I want to hang out with to just tell him and not play games. Then I said it just hurt my feelings when he said that.

Do you think it was a joke? Am I taking shit the wrong way and being crazy? Or do you think he was being serious but covered his ass by saying it was a joke?

I hate to be this way and over-analyze shit he says but I just want opinions to know if maybe it's his way of saying he wants some space or if he was just kidding and he didn't mean anything by it..

Thank you

[searock2]

You both sound very young. In my experience, guys hate it when you leave all happy and like there is no problem, and then text them with a problem that was actually there. He took your text the wrong way, he saw it as an aggression, it's like you told him "I have better things to do". It was a problem of miscommunication.

Also, I have a feeling that this isn't the first time you passive-aggressively attack him in hopes of getting reassurance of his love for you. He probably has no idea that this is what you are actually looking for (a reassurance), so he thinks that you're looking for a fight just for the sake of it. If you want him to reassure you about his feelings for you, you need to tell him exactly that.

Yes, it was a joke. You need to learn how to keep your insecurities in check. Why do you think that you care for him more than he does for you? Do you have any actual proof for this, or is it just your insecurity speaking?

[Wakeup]

I left then texted him once I got home saying he can do whatever he wants and I don't want to hang out with someone if they think they "don't have a choice"

you need to find a better way of communicating to him that he's somehow hurt your feelings. Use your "I" words. Instead of being a tit. If after you've learned to communicate exactly what you're feeling and he still doesn't act the way you'd like him to towards you, then you know that you should leave him because now you know that he knows what you're feeling, but he still doesn't care to do anything about it.

Bottomline: Learn how to communicate what you're feeling and try not to be immature about your needs.

[tainted.doll]

I'm 22 and he's 29 so there's an age difference. Searock2: You're right. This isn't the first time that I've done that. I know I'm insecure and I know that I act like a child sometimes (my boyfriend even says that). It's like I expect him to give me all these big signs that he cares for me. I don't have any actual proof of him not caring as much as I care for him, it's just me being paranoid.

Wakeup: I'm going to try and do that too. It seems to be an impulse thing when I say stuff where it just comes out (or I type it out in a text) and then after I send it, I think.. hmm maybe I was overreacting. But then it's too late and I've already sent it off to him. I am socially awkward, people call me "weird" more often than I'd care to admit.. and I think having trouble communicating normally seems to go along with that.

Thanks guys for your responses. It helps a lot to see from a guy's point of view.. I suspected I was being crazy but I guess I just needed reassurance, like always !

[searock2]

You really need to work on your insecurities, otherwise you'll end up pushing him away. When you feel crazy insecure, count to twenty before texting him... learn how to recognize your own fears, instead of letting them dominate you. As Wakeup was saying, learn to use "I" statements, rather than attacking him for no reason. For example, you could have said, "I know I'm probably being my usual paranoid self, but I'm wondering whether you actually feel like you rarely have a choice in the things we do together? Because we can work on that you know :-)". He would have appreciated your concern, rather than feel attacked and get defensive in response.

In what way do you feel most reassured about his love for you? In other words, what is your love language? Google "5 Languages of Love" and take the test to find out which one is yours. For example: maybe your language of love is "words of affirmation", and you need him to tell you that he loves you very often, and you feel insecure if he doesn't. For him, it may be completely different... maybe his language of love is physical affection. So if he doesn't tell you that he loves you, he may be showing it through a hug or a kiss instead. Figure out how to communicate more effectively between the two of you. If you need him to verbally express his feelings for you more often, tell him.

[tainted.doll]

I found out that my first two languages are "Quality time" and "Physical touch" and third being "Affirmations"; how informative! Thanks for telling me about that quiz.

I'm really not surprised my first language is quality time.. it fits right in with the question I asked in this post haha. I should ask him to take the quiz to see what his might be. I have a suspicion his may be "Acts of Service" because he always cooks for me and does little chores to help me out like scraping off my car, etc. Very interesting to learn that's even a language of love!

[Cerby]

You seem very needy and insecure. You worry about what he thinks in order to fulfill your own happiness. Who cares if he is into you as much as you are into him, as long as he IS into you. The fact alone that you try to talk to him about how he feels in some hopeless effort to make him feel more for you shows that you don't really understand the situation, but you'll sure try to manipulate it.

As for him saying that, you didn't just not take it as a joke, you blew it up into a huge thing because he didn't say what you expected him to say. It is almost like you want your boyfriend to be an emotional puppet for you, and not have his own space, time, or emotions. Searock has it, you need to work on your insecurities, guys who respect themselves will only take so much dramatic BS before they tell you to screw off. As a 28 year old guy, I know how I would feel in your boyfriends shoes.