Having Children now or waiting?

[DreamBeans]

Hi everyone,

I have decided to propose to my GF, which i mentioned in a previous post. We have talked about marriage and children before and I am excited to do both. Marriage isn't something that I particularly need to do now, but I want to stay with my GF, and for her she doesn't really seem to NEED to do it, but wants to do it before we have Children.

My dilemma is that I have 28 years old, my GF is 33. We have been together for 2.5 years and are currently living together. She is a little worried about approaching her mid 30's and so we both want to have children. However, I have a relatively unstable job. What I mean is that my job requires me to be re-contracted on a yearly basis, which has the potential to end of each year, and the nature of my job means that I might be forced to move to a different to do find another one. I am planning on started my own business in the next few years, whereby I can fix myself to one city and will hopefully not have to worry about losing my job.

This issue has only really come up because she is older. If it were the opposite way age wise it wouldn't be a problem, but it isn't.

Do you think we should start to have a family now or do you think us waiting a few more years, say when she's 36/37? Does anyone have any experience starting a family with a similarly unstable job?

[basilandthyme]

My hubby is in IT and for a while it seemed like every Aussie mid-sized company outsourced their IT in the early 2000's. We'd already had kids by this time, so we had no choice but to manage while he job hopped, took short contracts and was unemployed for a stint. Likewise, a few of my friends have husbands who are contractors and a couple of those even had to take short term contracts in other states. We all manage/managed, by planning for the 'unexpected'

If your job is unstable, my best advice is to have a little nest-egg in case you're unemployed for a few months between gigs. Don't mortgage yourself to the hilt and live life conservatively.

[IndiReloaded]

Do you want marriage and children? If so, you need to plan as B&T said. I also have friends in IT who contract each year, yes it sucks, but its doable.

1. Make it a priority to find a stable job.
2. Decide you can make it without but store that nest egg.

Remember, either of you can be hit by a bus tomorrow. You can only plan so much. Its really about what you want.

[smackie9]

And make sure she pulls her weight on this too. If she wants little darlings around she should contribute and not just rely on you. She could try to get a job working from home so that would save on daycare.

[DreamBeans]

Thank you for the advice everyone. I don't work in IT but the sentiment still stands; there are some great points here. It's better to live for today and prepare for tomorrow instead of constantly worrying about what's going to happen tomorrow. My GF and I have been saving up money for a while now, so if one of us were to stop working for some reason then we could get by, but even if one of us were to stop working for a while the other could support the family without taking too much from the nest egg.

My GF is great! I mean, really great. Too good for me that's for sure, but I am so happy to be with her. She works much longer hours than I do, and she even sometimes finds time to come home and make me food before I get back from work. She is really supportive and is willing to move across the country with me. She more than pulls her weight. The truth is that for us, living together before marriage was the best decision ever; we both realized how much of a good fit we are together and there are much fewer issues than I thought there would be. It's great.

The real issue is her age. I don't really care about it 99% of the time, but when children become a topic it's always brought to the front of my mind that she's approaching a dangerous age to have children and she's well into the decline. She never really brings it up because she doesn't want me to worry, but I know she's worried about it too. Hopefully my proposal soon will show her how much I really do care about her. I wasn't planning on having children this early in my life, but for her I am willing to have one a few years earlier. I definitely want children though.

[smackie9]

Women are still having kids in their 40's, don't sweat a few more years. If that doesn't work there is always adoption.

[vashti]

Women are still having kids in their 40's, don't sweat a few more years. If that doesn't work there is always adoption.

Eek, I wouldn't count on getting pregnant in your 40s. Conception is a real issue in your 40s, and there are a lot of health risks to both the mother AND the baby.

[IndiReloaded]

Its true, conceiving after 40 comes with more risk. But there are also many wonderful children needing adoption. If I had a partner who was like-minded, that's the route I'd take.

[smackie9]

Eek, I wouldn't count on getting pregnant in your 40s. Conception is a real issue in your 40s, and there are a lot of health risks to both the mother AND the baby.

I didn't say it was the right thing or a good thing, I was just quoting woman are choosing to have babies in their 40's. Everyone knows the risks, but it's not stopping too many women from having babies at that age. I'm totally against it but that is just my opinion and I'm not going to blab about it.

[Barbarisa]

The bioclock tends to become an important question for many women of that age. I would however choose to focus the discussion on your job perception somewhat more. If you can conservatively selected the appropriate budget plans, you will be alright. Also, you still have time to step out of your comfort zone and search (or create) a more stable career position, which then may lead you to the next step. But, do not allow the matter of Uncertainty (read: the job) stop you from family plans - these days, you will encounter the questions of having to change jobs at least a few times through your lifetime.

[basilandthyme]

Just a quick comment on the adoption suggestions. I'm not sure if posters realise that ease of adoption changes between countries. Here in Australia, it's nearly impossible to adopt because the sum total of babies available for adoption each year is about 40 for the whole country. Because of this, Aussies tended to do international adoption, but now laws in those countries are changing and it's not really viable anymore either.

Engand tends to be very similar to us, so I'd be assuming that adoption isn't necessarily a viable option for the OP.

[Maple1714]

And make sure she pulls her weight on this too. If she wants little darlings around she should contribute and not just rely on you. She could try to get a job working from home so that would save on daycare.

It's almost impossible to work from home while taking care of a baby/toddler. You still need to have a sitter come to the house. I do not know anyone who manages to work a real job from home with childcare....everyone I know has someone come to their house during the day while they work from home...everyone.

[basilandthyme]

It's almost impossible to work from home while taking care of a baby/toddler. You still need to have a sitter come to the house. I do not know anyone who manages to work a real job from home with childcare....everyone I know has someone come to their house during the day while they work from home...everyone.

This was my thought too. I am quite curious to know Smackie's experience trying to keep a toddler safe and happy while working.

[Guybrush]

If you are going to ask yourself when it is most convenient to have kids, the answer is "never". Having kids is just not convenient, nor are they designed to be.

Kids don't ask for much exept loving and caring parents. It can be exhausting, though, so starting while you are still fairly young has many advantages.

If you are confident that your financial stuation will at least be good enough to provide basic needs like food and shelter for your family, I suggest giving it a shot now rather than waiting.

[sicilian1645]

you have plenty of time for kids yet. don't sweat it