I've made a mistake.

[help_please]

First of all hello to everyone on the forum.

I'm looking for advice really, I think I've made the biggest mistake in my life and I'm not too sure what to do next.

Here's my situation; I was seeing my ex-girlfriend for about 11 months and we broke up in October. At the time I done the usual feeling sorry for myself, thinking she didn't put enough effort into the relationship, ignoring everything I done wrong in the relationship and used a lot of alcohol to escape from reality.

However I've recently just realised I have a serious low self esteem problem and realised that the majority of the problems if not all in my relationship were down to me. This isn't the self esteem talking, it's the fact that I've realised I need to look at my own faults and put them right otherwise I don't believe I'll be able to love someone like my ex did regarding me (unfortunately that's only just become obvious to me).

I made several mistakes; I made her the centre of everything in my life, I always went out of my way to do something for her when it clearly wasn't needed, I didn't give her enough space to do what females do. I was very insecure, obsessed with everything being perfect, not realising imperfections is what make a relationship strong and was quite frankly paranoid. Literally all the things people with low self esteem do in relationship, I done.

There were times when we were together and everything was just normal but me being insecure didn't realise this was normal and felt like something bad was going to happen, so I gradually withdrew from the relationship and mentally it's like I wasn't really there. Now that I'm looking back on it rationally, I can see how much this hurt her but at the time I couldn't.

We broke up on the phone because of distance (we were about 3 hours away from each other), I started University in September and she was nothing but supportive. She had this confidence that we'd get through it but I drained that enthusiasm as well with being negative and thinking the worst was going to happen. I guess you could say a self fulfilling prophecy would be relevant.

We saw each other about 10 days after breaking up and it was very difficult. I've never seen her cry like that before. Selfishly, seeing her cry made me think 'oh she must have cared'. I'm not proud of that.
We agreed not to contact each other and have not spoken since.

Before In relationships I've fought to try and save them, this one I didn't and now I think this one was the only one worth trying to fight for.

Now I find myself with a serious predicament, do I contact her or not?
I'm not sure what this will achieve though, I don't know If I want a reconciliation or just to say sorry to her or do I leave her to get on with her life and learn from my mistakes and not repeat what I've done?

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks.

[Chronicle113]

I would say try to contact her. You already realize what you done and you already acknowledge your faults and mistakes. It's true though, negativity and constant fear has a way of worsen the situation. If she was so supportive of you and you try to contact her, she will be hesitant at first but she will hear what you have to say. You've definitely grown and matured yourself to look at the bright things that life has to offer. Someone that truly cares for you will not easily try to break that connection. She may have a few doubts because of your past thoughts but you may have to prove to her that you definitely change for the best. Call her and visit her. That will show how serious you are of reconcile the relationship between you two.