Completely confused and don't know what to do.

[las77]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We met in graduate school and lived together for the past two years until recently. I am 35 and she just turned 27. We have talked about marriage and having kids together but nothing certain.This past fall, I moved up to Canada to pursue a long time goal of mine, which meant we would be living apart for eight months. She was completely supportive even though it meant taking the relationship long distance. We live 4-5 hours driving distance from each other and drove to be with each other every couple of weeks. We also talked on skype and texted regularly. Things were challenging but we seemed to be making things work. When I went home to visit her for the holidays she dropped a bomb on me. She told me she had developed feelings for an ex-boyfriend of hers from college (that dumped her twice). She said she hadn't had feelings for him until very recently and didn't know why. She said she had never had feelings for two guys at once before and she didn't know what to do. She also said she had unresolved issues from her childhood and past relationship issues she wanted to resolve. I love her very much and want to keep the relationship going but I am not sure what to do. Obviously I don't want her to be with another guy, but I don't want her to be with me unless she wants to be. We have both been counselors separately. I suggested seeing a couples counselor together and she has so far been hesitant, but isn't opposed to the idea in the future. We are still talking via email, skype, and text. This has been going on for about three weeks now. I know that she has been spending time with this other guy who lives only twenty minutes from her. It seems like I really don't have much of a chance with her. I'm really confused because she has told me how much she still lives me, cares for me, how much she respects me, how much I inspire her, how much I have broadened her horizons, she has written me a list of many of the qualities she loves about me, and that I have left a permanent imprint on her. We didn't fight hardly ever when we were together. I know our relationship wasn't perfect but I think it was pretty darn good. She told also said that she wasn't unhappy with things other than the distance. I told her that I was willing to travel to see her more. Right now she told me she just wants to work on herself which is fine but I wonder about this other guy. I'm trying to give her space but I don't want to lose momentum. I would love to hear some honest opinions about this situation. I'm happy to provided more details if necessary. I should add that keeps telling me how important I am to her and that she doesn't want to lose me from her life. She seems like she want a relationship with me without the possibility of slings and arrows.

[Wakeup]

When someone is running away from you, the worse thing you can do is chase them. Stop all contact with her and see if she stops, turns around to see if you're still chasing. If she doesn't stop and see, well then you're best not being with her anyway.

Do yourself a favour, don't let her screw the other dude until he dumps her again and then take her back when she's hurt and vulnerable and just looking for another ego soothing from you. If she hasn't looked around to see where you went within the month.. I'd consider her permanently gone.

She's pretty fickle/fkd up if she runs back to a douche that dropped her twice. (he's likely just gong to use her for sex {again}) Personally, I think you can do better than her even if you don't quite realize that yourself yet. She doesn't sound like solid relationship material to me... perhaps you're better off without her even if she does turn around to see where you got to????????????

[DonnyDac]

Hi las77! You've been with her 4 years and it's only NOW that she wants to resolve past issues from relationships and her childhood? Surely those problems would have reared their ugly heads before now?! I wouldn't be surprised if she's one of these women who can't stand to be on their own so she's picking up that ex because she knows him. Like Wakeup says, he's only likely to use her for sex. Why did he dump her I wonder and twice?!!

Difficult though it'll be, you need her to do the running. She knows you're there for her so she's got it made. You need to back off, concentrate on your friends and make yourself more scarce. Then you'll find out if she really wants you and is prepared to do anything not to lose you. From what you've said, I have my doubts.

If she doesn't come running back, then you're better off without her because you deserve better, especially with all the effort you've made to keep things going.

[SassyD]

I think she is trying to let you down gently.

She is telling you how good you have been for her but she has her own issues to deal with now which exclude you.