Is he committed?

[Courtneyleighhh]

I'm at a point in my life where I need some objective opinions; an outside, neutral point of view.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. I'm 25 and he's 21. I feel some tension in our relationship and I'm starting to question his commitment. I love him, and there's no doubt in my mind that I want to be with him. Of course I'd like to believe that he wants to stay for the long run too, but I also have to think about if this is what he wants. If it isn't, I need to accept it and get on with my life. I am 25 and don't exactly have alot of time on my side. We've been having some issues and now I'm confused. A little bit about us...

- We've lived together for over a year
- I've met his family & extended family. I'm included in his family vacations, holidays, etc. I'm pretty much a part of his family. (They even bought me a new car).
- He makes no effort to meet my family and has said he doesn't plan on it. I had to remind him of my mom's name.
- He includes me in his future. We just moved to a new city together and he includes my opinion when considering our next move. He often says "we" and "our" when talking about the future. He talks about us having kids and buying a house one day.
- He often says he doesn't want a girlfriend and if we weren't together, he would never settle down with anyone.
- He also says I'm the only girl he would want to marry.
- He refuses to post pictures of me online. I asked him to post one, and he took it down a week later. He says there a certain parts of his life he likes to keep private.
- He doesn't really like for me to hang out with his friends. I have met most of them but I never, ever do things with them together. They are mostly very immature. The only exception is his best friend, who isn't part of his 'normal' group. He's a good guy, and my boyfriend values his opinion. He cares about his approval of me.
- He hasn't really met any of my friends, and doesn't show any interest in meeting them.
- He does alot of things that he knows I'm not comfortable with. (ex. going to spring break without me bc he's 'young' and that's what his friends do)
- But he also goes out of his way to do things that he knows make me happy. He makes it a point to do little things like take me to the movies or out to dinner, or cook out (bc I love that), or buys tickets to concerts I want to see that he doesn't.
- We split the bills equally. We take care of each other; I make sure the groceries are bought, he makes sure my car has a full gas tank, etc.


I just feel like there are so many mixed signals. I know he's young and I know when I was 21, I wasn't thinking about settling down, so i don't expect that from him right now. But I'm patient and do want that in the future from him. I just don't want to wait that long and then it turned out that he never really saw that in his plans....Thoughts?

[smackie9]

There is no mixed signals here. He's a guy, and for some meeting friends and family isn't a priority....possible laziness on his part. As for commitment, for him kids and marriage are a long way off, and this is something that should be discussed. You both may not be on the same page...so it's very important to talk about a timeline on when any of this is supposed to happen. IMO he isn't and doesn't want to think too far ahead...remember he is only 21. He is just getting started enjoying the adult life. It's possible you are starting to see that you two are at different places in your lives, and it's becoming incompatible.

Sharing the expenses etc...you may as well be roommates. Time to have a firm discussion about your expectations with him. If you fear he will get scared off, then so be it, that would mean you are not wasting anymore of your time.

[smackie9]

Tip: if you want a husband and to have kids before you are 30, you are better to date someone older, and more established, than a frat boy goin off acting single during spring break, binge drinking.

[vashti]

21 is too young for him to be thinking about a serious relationship. He only recently became able to buy a beer! If you have a need to settle down, find someone more age-appropriate.