6 years dumped- my fault-I've done a 180 and need her back.

[thisdude]

History—I met her a few days after high school graduation when my family moved to a new city. We began dating a few months later and this girl became my first everything… we fell in love after 6 months and then had a wonderful hiking vacation as young ppl age 19-20 and were just well happy. I began to hate my job a carpenter and got pretty depressing and started smoking weed which never really bothered her… but she did help change my career … I got on my horse and started taking night classes and getting myself towards university.. she was becoming a nurse.

3 years into it I broke up with her, you know I was young and curious about other girls.. I was hanging out with this girl who was in second year nursing while my gf was in third. I had sex with this other girl and hung out a bit but all the while was texting my gf and saw her on occasion and we had intimate moments in public and eventually I came running back and our love was rekindled but going with that other chick was a terrible decision since she knew basically everyone we did and was around since she was in nursing as well.. So I was at university full time now and worried about money I was still smoking a lot of weed and decided to start selling it to make money.

My gf would come help me deliver bags of weed to ppl and was happy about the money as long as she got presents.. but she rarely smoked any with me.. I however smoked multiple times per day. We did 2 more amazing outdoors vacations over the next 2 years like canoeing trips and just you know doing things alone with each other and there was never fighting or anything on these adventures and the relationship was great.

So she graduates and moves down to Vancouver to find a job and an apartment for us… we were finally going to move in with each other after 5.5 years and I was transferring universities to come down and be here and start new. I gave up selling weed.. but did not give up smoking it at all… I mean I had a serious habit and it made me super moody I would smoke it five times per day…. and I felt she was not happy about it but you know she would pause movies for me and say like well just go smoke up while I finish this phone convo you know things like that where I felt validated to keep my habit..

over the past year leading up to the move in there some fights and bickering between us but only when I had been drinking and then the next day we would make up and things would be lovely all over again…… So over the summer leading into September she was down in van finding work and an apartment while I was back at home working.. we visited 4 times over the summer and once was in a cabin with her whole family and each visit was free of any negativity things were looking great….

One week before I came down here she calls me crying saying shes nervous about living together because shes not sure if she wants to marry me I said don’t worry about that neither do I and whatever happens will be the best for both of us I was thinking she just got worked up over nothing really…. So we move in to together in september im not selling weed anymore and im going to a great university meeting new ppl and on my way to a new life however im still smoking weed five times per day and doing homework all the time I had calculus 3 on my plate and was quite consumed with school.

But we were still connected I felt… she would have me tuck her into bed each and every night and tickle her arm until she fell asleep…. The weed thing was an issue im aware of that I was even too ashamed to let me new friends know how much and she wouldn’t tell them either… but I always told my gf this will end soon my career and life wont allow it soon… and I cant stress enough in this email how much it controlled me I would always choose going home or staying home over anything because I just wanted my comfort zone. I got through the semester with good grades and went home for Christmas.

During the semester we had one fight over the four months which was about whether our situation was working out and we made up immediately after with passionate sex… and one minor thing when I was drinking one night we all were with friends and on the ride home I kept saying you don’t love me I can feel it and she kept saying yes I do yes I do I tried to sleep on the couch she kept insisting I was being ridiculous and we laughed about it in the morning it was fairly minor no yelling or anything involved.

So came back from the break and started into a new semester… Monday we have a great day she says in the morning were going to have fun tonight… I get home she wants sex right away but its sort of like business though and im saying you don’t seem into this … but she talks me into it ( it didn’t take much ) she makes an amazing diner while im reading I do the dishes like always she makes muffins for the first time since living together she calls my mom for muffin advice and the three of us are all laughing and such over the phone. In the morning I kiss her goodbye and say I love you ( after smoking weed like I did every morning )

when I get home from class she has her things packed and leaves me…. I’m crushed and I suddenly realize omg ive been such a blind fool I flush all my weed down the toilet and realize how pathetic and boring it made me and grumpy frequently… I reconnect with my dad after 6 years of ignoring him because he is a police officer… im talking to her sister on the phone who I have given the cold shoulder a few times im apologizing to her and her family and her kids…. I write my gf an 8500 word letter explaining what I have realized and how I know what to change she replies with 2000 words briefly restating her decision and that I should keep moving forwards.

So that was 5 weeks ago and she is still paying half the rent in the apt we got but she is staying with a friend.. her older brother lives here too and he thinks I will never change or stop smoking but I can tell you it is not coming back I haven’t touched the crap and don’t want to especially since my career simply wont happen if I do and I never want to end up in that hole ever again….. her bro was a frat boy ( now 34 with a new baby but still a greasy guy) and thinks I need to spread my seed but we are complete opposites and I despise that way of life…

so its been five weeks and we have hardly talked but she is agreeing to have a face to face soon… however she suggested we do it after my birthday because she doesn’t want to ruin my birthday…. Her face book is full of emo posts one in particular from a song- coldplay- everythings not lost… which to me is a get back together song…. But the signals are so mixed she doesn’t seem like she wants to talk besides for my sake..

my problem is I have done a complete 180 and have had an honest deep sincere change in consciousness and she doesn’t even care all she can remember or think of is how terrible I was and what she left… my question is how do I approach this meeting or do I call her a put it off there are a lot of details I have skimmed over but I feel I have written enough to get the ball rolling please help ladies????

Tell me which areas you need more detail on or wtf is going on. Shes says there is no other guy but I haven’t asked her since the day she left but it would answer a lot of this anyways I hope im being paranoid about that so lets chat about this.

[HeartIsAching]

Gah... won't read that wall of text. Paragraphs, please.

[dem862]

You should edit your post and break it up into about 5 line paragraphs. It is too hard to read.

[thisdude]

done, sorry did it quickly this morning before school, if its still a mess ill fix it tonight

[Wakeup]

when I get home from class she has her things packed and leaves me….

I would like to know what she actually said to you before she left. Tell us WHY she said she was leaving.

I have a feeling your weed smoking was just one blip in the reason for her ending things. You seem to think (by what you've written) that it was THE only reason.

[HeartIsAching]

I agree. Something else was going on there, too.

On the meeting - don't get your hopes up. She knows you're going to try, and she knows it's not going to work. That's why she said she didn't want to ruin your birthday.

[thisdude]

ok so i said is there anything i can do, ill do it, she says ya stop smoking weed and learn to sacrifice your time for others. So for me weed is the umbrella over everything else like i said it drove my decision making like she would go to the theatre with her brother and leave me behind because I would give an excuse. For me i know its because i just wanted to smoke up and chill on the deck and such. well i and i usually have homework so that was somewhat true but not entirely

I always said i didnt like the theatre and now i know what the real reason for that was. From her perspective she doesnt see it that way on the way out she said i dont think you can ever change enough to become someone i can be with.

Her sister came to visit and i was super distant while she was here cuz she messed up my smoking on the deck and i felt self conscious about it and i got all weird. On the way out she said i want to be able to have my sister here and not worry about it she said its always going to be a fight with you and you'll never stop smoking you have already said you wont.... she also mentioned raising kids will be a fight because our veiws on the afterlife are different which they are not we basically both have similar views so i dont know how hard she thought about that one...

she also quoted me from 11 months ago when i was drunk and said " dont you think we could find more compatable people i mean look at us fighting over nothing" which i said at 3 am after we left a friendly function well it was like a formal ball.. she started crying cause her friend was putting her nose in our conversation and i said get lost but i mean we were all hammered at this thing i dont know how she could quote me and feel like i meant it then.

she said our issues need counseling


After all that back and forth i said well your not even listening to me so you might as well go... 5 mins later i phone her literally on my knees begging for about an hour i got her to say that this wasn't a final decision.... then i kept texting her and she called back saying this is a break we are on a break..... she mentioned that we should wait 6 months to a year because our relationship would be so much better after a long break????? when she came back with her brother to get the rest of her things she left a note saying sorry i just need some space

(she called MY sister right after she left saying i hope your brother finds someone he loves because he obviously doesn't)


But i maintain that without weed on my mind 24/7 and now that i am away from all my old friends at a new school career driven, um ive always worked out and such and still do, all those negative things she has put up with are gone while ive kept the positive, as well as become extremely family oriented like i talk to my dad daily now as well as my mom you know they have helped me through this my dad has come down and visited and we have made an unreal connection after 6-7 years of thinking each other are stupid..

my letter to her was 8500 like i said... it was a complete break down of everything confessions and reasons and relizations

so in her letter which was a reply to mine she said she has gone passed the bottom of her barrel with our relationship and doesnt want to work on it

she has a brand new nephew who (her brothers new baby) who i have not met and she just got a job at a new hospital where she actually wants to work and is super busy with both of those new things so i understand that she is distracted and it is easy for her to leave and not think about this... and her mom and brother are against me i mean her mom bought her a worry rock for christmas as well as a magnet on the fridge that said "leap fearlessly" and her brother insists i will never change..

her sister who i gave the cold shoulder is on my side and we have spoke a few times since then but she doesn't tell me much except for the fact that is good i am changing and growing.

so there is more info here than asked for but there is even more still-- my follow up question is why do you think she is so certain i can't or will not change... and how can she not understand how big of a factor smoking weed was... like that it was not the only problem but without it my whole de-miner and attitude, and motivations are changed.. if she said it was a break and she made the decision rather abruptly without talking to me about it ( why was there no serious convdrsation?) how does she know it wont work.. or how do i prove i have had a complete flip

why would she walk through all the glass and thorns and once i'm here and serious about everything for once she gives up and the barrel is empty.. whats with her asking me to tuck her in every single night??? whats with the muffins and calling my mom the day before...why wont she sell the jewlery i gave her for rent money... would it be better to wait for this meeting or would that worsen things???? i dont expect answers to all of these but whaaat? she just seems so certain i dont understand

[michelle23]

"curious about other girls" uh! That's insecurity for you right there.

You have a beautiful, intelligent, successful women who you love but yet you trade it all in so you can bang some other b**h! Very mature OP.

Maybe you dont deserve her. Maybe she should have forgot about you three years ago. That what I would have done..

[searock]

i also must confess i left a recorder in the house for when she came with her brother to grab her last few things thats how i know he is certain i wont change he made three separate comments.... also on the last trip of things to the elevator she stops at the door and says "i made the right decision right?" and her brother loudly says " come on lets go!" not sure if this bit carries any weight since it was never meant to be heard by anyone anyways lol now its on the internet..

This alone makes me know without a doubt that she did the right thing by dumping you. Sorry.

[thisdude]

This alone makes me know without a doubt that she did the right thing by dumping you. Sorry.

ok why.. i've edited it out... so its not on the internet.... i dont see why that part is so bad i was literally desperate and needed to know what was being said because im confused by the abrupt change.. an explanation for why that part gives you no doubt would be nice searock.. there is no doubt she was in the right to break up with me.. like michelle23 said i dont deserve her ... and im surpirsed she didnt do it a long time ago but the fact is she didnt and neither did i, we had real love and she believed in something... and regardless of what happens i have learned alot about myself since the event and will never make these mistakes again... i dont really need put downs right now constructive criticism is what i need...

it seems like the last two comments are saying ya i'm mad at you too... not much help i have no ego left and i already know why she left but my question is since she stuck by me and it wasn't all bad ppl the three years since the break up had some amazing times.. and it was before as well i ****ed up people make mistakes.. haven't you .. she forgave me.... ummm i know i was immature i was 19-20 i've moved way passed that... dont you belive people do change? and grow up?

i needed to be dumped ya... im on this site for advice if any exists on how to approach this meeting and if there is any sign or anyway to help her realize im not that guy anymore.. im ashamed and disgusted in myself.. the things i said i would never do, i did them.. i didnt have any girlfriends in high school she is my only girlfriend ever in life... it sucks i had to make the mistakes on her... i need your help.. to at the very least keep growing

[HeartIsAching]

ok why.. i've edited it out... so its not on the internet.... i dont see why that part is so bad i was literally desperate and needed to know what was being said because im confused by the abrupt change.. an explanation for why that part gives you no doubt would be nice searock.. there is no doubt she was in the right to break up with me.. like michelle23 said i dont deserve her ... and im surpirsed she didnt do it a long time ago but the fact is she didnt and neither did i, we had real love and she believed in something... and regardless of what happens i have learned alot about myself since the event and will never make these mistakes again... i dont really need put downs right now constructive criticism is what i need...

Because you did not need to know - that's simply how you justify to yourself your invasion of her privacy, your snooping. It's not your business, if she wanted it to be, she would've said it to you. Actually, whether you know it or not, you committed a criminal act.

it seems like the last two comments are saying ya i'm mad at you too... not much help i have no ego left and i already know why she left but my question is since she stuck by me and it wasn't all bad ppl the three years since the break up had some amazing times.. and it was before as well i ****ed up people make mistakes.. haven't you .. she forgave me.... ummm i know i was immature i was 19-20 i've moved way passed that... dont you belive people do change? and grow up?

Did she forgive you? Or did she just say whatever the hell she needed in order to get away from you?

i needed to be dumped ya... im on this site for advice if any exists on how to approach this meeting and if there is any sign or anyway to help her realize im not that guy anymore.. im ashamed and disgusted in myself.. the things i said i would never do, i did them.. i didnt have any girlfriends in high school she is my only girlfriend ever in life... it sucks i had to make the mistakes on her... i need your help.. to at the very least keep growing

Then think about this, and try to do better next time. That's the best advice I can give you. You won't get her back.