My ex, bisexuality and divorce - HELP

[modernromantic]

My husband and I are in a real rough patch and I really need some advice! Let me give you a little background on us first....

I met my husband when I was 15. He was my first love. We dated off and on until he eventually joined the US Air Force. We always kept in touch and eventually decided that we DID want to be with each other. The only way to do that was for us to get married. It was practical but we had always talked about marriage and it felt meant to be. I was ecstatic! At first, marriage was good, though I quickly realized that he was a heavy drinker, far worse than I had realized. Less than a year into the marriage I began to work full time. I got home later than he and he would usually be VERY drunk or already passed out by the time I got home. I began to get very frustrated and we had also pretty much stopped having sex. My husband knew I was bisexual and had always been okay with my having female friends with benefits. So around this time, I developed a big crush on a girl that I knew through my job. We began to see each other. My husband knew about it, but it was always assumed that it would remain a physical relationship only. It didn't. I fell in love with her. While I take blame for this, I also know it might have not happened if he had not put drinking before the marriage. Eventually, he went to rehab and the drinking improved (though never stopped). He expressed to me that my relationship with her was hurting our marriage and, after some resistance, I broke up with her. This was last Oct. I was very depressed for a month or two. I questioned whether or not I was a lesbian. I loved my husband and I missed the bliss that we once had, but I missed her too. However, I decided that I wanted to focus on fixing my marriage. We moved to a different state for my husbands job. Things got better for a while but I never stopped thinking about her.

Okay so that brings us up to now: 2013.

Over the past two months, we have again stopped having sex pretty much. We don't have that spark anymore. I think about her all the time and have fantasies about divorcing my husband and moving back to where she lives. I even broke down and called her (for the first time since the break up) the other day just to talk. My relationship with my husband is not bad. He isn't mean, he supports me, his drinking has improved, we have great communication...but I just don't feel that connection, that spark, the "in love" feeling. I am willing to work to fix our marriage but there is this part of me deep inside that I think wants things to be over just so I can give a relationship with her a chance. However, I know its not logical. I have a good man, I should be happy...I should give our marriage a chance. I just don't know how to make those special feelings come back. I don't know how to be attracted to him anymore.

Is this what marriage is? Mediocre? No sex? No attraction or romance? It's like we are really close roommates. Out of the year and 8 months we have been married, I have questioned divorce for eight of those months. My main question is should I tell him I still have feelings for her? I feel like that is the true root of the problem, the feelings I still have for her. I am afraid if I tell him it will ruin any chance of fixing the marriage but I also feel guilty for keeping it to myself. Also, does anyone have advice for getting back those feelings of intimacy and attraction?

HELP ME PLEASE!!

[Boisdevie]

You married too early and now you realise that you've farked it up. Get a divorce.

[modernromantic]

Thanks for the response..and yeah I think about it. However, I'm not able to so easily give up. I feel like I owe it to our relationship to at least try to work on things. I wonder if my expectations of marriage are too high. I kind of have a feeling that this kind of stuff happens to all marriages at some point. It can't be a honeymoon forever, right?

[michelle23]

Get couples counselling to set realistic expectations of each other. Most people have unrealistic expectations in love and need a reality check at some point.

[Ann S]

Dear modernromantic:
Is your husband an alcoholic? First, if he is, YOU can never really be in a relationship with him, because alcohol will always be first - first to numb out negative feelings, first to celebrate with etc. YOU won't be first!
If you are no longer attracted to your husband, you have to accept that. Otherwise, you'll be trying to make yourself be someone you are not. If I read you correctly, you were miserable before you met this other person. You and your husband didn't have intimacy necessary for a marriage - physical or conversational. Marriage is no easy task. We often fall in, "LUST," then we wake up one day and discover all the things we don't like about the other person. I think that is what has happened to you. There are too many barriers in your marriage - another woman, alcohol, inability to have problem solving, collaborative conversations. I don't know if those old lusty feelings can return because your heart is not in this relationship. Ann

[stan92964]

I believe anyone can get back the feelings of love if they were there to begin with ... it seems like that's true in your case. All "dates" are about having good times together. Many people make the mistake of dating, having lots of good times, falling in love ... then get married, shift their focus to duties, achievements, work, and so on ... the problem comes from stopping the sharing of fun good times together or at least not enough of them. Falling in love the first time most likely didn't happen over night and doing it again also is a process that takes time. Your goal here, if I understand you correctly, is to build the love with your husband to the point it is strong enough so you will no longer feel the need to want to be with your girlfriend. You can do that if both of you are clear about how to do that and work together to make that happen.
I'm a retired Relationship Coach and have written a Relationship Guide that includes a check list at the end so you can see clearly how you are doing. You can find it at: http://www.free-relationship-advice-secrets.com/
You can reach me from my contact page if you like.
Your situation is complicated and is difficult for me to cover all aspects of it here.

[Wakeup]

I think your problem is that you're not giving your marriage the proper attention it needs in order to survive in mutual "bliss" is because you are only half in it if your thoughts are focused on some girl you think you love but are just lusting on. You haven't spent a life with this girl. The only experience you've had in her company is mostly during sexual hookups and you've not had to share the burden of everyday life like you have with your husband so ~ do not base your want of her on sex and zero stress.

I think you'd do well to get some personal therapy to help you get over your female Fk buddy and couples therapy to help you and your hubbe learn how to court one another once again. Thing is, as long as you are NOT 100% into your marriage, in thought as well as physically, then you are never going to get back that emotional connection you had with him. There's a pink elephant in the room know as Miss Fk Buddy.

You may even have decided that you're a lesbian now (not bi) but you'd do well to distance yourself from this albatross to your marriage known as your current female sex partner and just be alone until you figure yourself out. I'd recommend you don't leave your husband because you think you love this girl. You hardly know her, really.

[michelle23]

You get out of a relationship what you put into it and if you are not giving it 100% and your thoughts are elsewhere it is never going to work. You need to give your husband all of you-your whole heart, body, mind and soul and stop thinking the grass might be greener.

Get some therapy. You were too young when you met him and you were not emotionally mature enough back then to understand what it takes to have a successful relationship but your a big girl now and its time to grow up. You should get some individual therapy like wakeup suggested and then you need to fix your marriage.

There is no such thing as a "spark" that is bull. You dont need that so called "spark" when you have been together a long time. The spark is just infatuation and that is totally different to love.