Confused About Losing My Girlfriend

[davidjones]

Hi Everybody,

I had been with my girlfriend for 2 and a half years when she broke up with me on January 2nd this year. This came on the back of a horrible year for me where I'd lost a close friend in April and then my father in October, both to cancer after long battles.

I explained to her that I couldn't handle the Christmas period and just wanted to get quite drunk, I miss my Father terribly and the period was very tough. She said she understood, she came out and got drunk with me plenty of times as well over Christmas. All things considered we had a very nice Christmas Day and she seemed happy enough, although things had been a little strained it didn't feel like it was anything to serious and when we were together there were no problems at all.

We spent New Years Eve apart and the next time I saw her she broke up with me. On December 30th just before she left she told me she loved me and she never wanted to leave me, 3 days later she ended it. Her reasons for ending it don't make much sense, she was disappointed about New Year but we'd been together and happy for so long it seems to petty a reason. She said she felt bitter towards me for it and she can hold a grudge. She also said she thought we wanted different things and it would be best to be apart. She said she thought I wanted to be single, to be "one of the lads" and she didn't want to hold me back anymore. She also said she felt I was trying to push her into breaking up with me. I hadn't done this intentionally and I'm not really sure where she was getting it from, but I accept that with everything I'd been through I probably had neglected her and been a bit different, I thought she understood.

It had been quite obvious from texts on the day of the break up that she was going to end things and because I knew what was coming I braced myself and my initial reaction was that of disappointment but not too upset. I managed to keep this up for a couple of weeks and I think she felt I didn't care, I thought she'd come back.

Since then I've poured my heart out to her. I told her I loved her, I told her we wanted the same things and tried to get her back, I tried very hard to convince her. She said it wasn't right at the moment and she was worried I was only telling her what she wanted to hear and that I didn't really feel like that. She said she needed time for both us to think about what we wanted and she went back to University to do some exams.

When she came back we met up and I openly cried in front of her for the first time since I lost my father, she said she felt sorry for me and felt bad but she thought it wasn't right to take me back. I think I've been so upset because of all the heartache over the last year and this is just the icing on a terrible cake, but I do love her and this in lots of ways hurts so much more because I feel it was my fault.

During the next week she went to Spain with her Mum, she phoned me the night before she left and told me she still loves me. She text me all morning whilst at the airport and she text as soon as she got off the plane when she got home. I went to see her the next day and we spent all morning in her bed kissing, just laying holding each other, the sort of thing we often used to do, it made us both happy at the time. She said she still needed some more time and the next day she was going back to University for the start of the next term. We left it at that, with us both promising we wouldn't do anything with other people that could make it difficult to get back together and we said we'd stay in touch, initially as friends because we both considered each other our best friends.

She's been back at University for 3 weeks now - and I'm more confused than ever. Since she got back she has been out partying around 7 or 8 times. Which has made me think it was her who wanted to be single and she turned it on me? She says it is how she's keeping busy to not miss me so much but it seems to me she's just enjoying having a laugh with her girlfriends. Something which I never held her back from doing, but she always said she preferred going out when I was with her. She has also been getting quite drunk on these nights out and she's generally not a huge drinker, and she has text and phoned me at 3 in the morning saying she misses me so much, she still loves me and she wants me to take her home. After these incidents the next day she would always be off with me and apologise loads for texting or phoning late at night.

The confusion of the situation lead to me getting a bit pushy and a couple of times I have upset her when asking her "what is going on now?". She would always reply in the same sort of way. That she didn't know, but she couldn't be with me, and then laced with that little bit of hope by saying not right now, or not at the moment.

I upset her the weekend before last and sent her some flowers to apologise, later that week I sent her a card and a small present (a small necklace which I had got for her back in December) for Valentines day. Before she received the card/present she had wished me a happy valentines day and called me her valentine, but hadn't actually got me anything. We were getting on really well and made plans to hang out when she was coming home the next weekend, which is this weekend coming. I reached breaking point the following day when she informed me that she would be coming back briefly and then going to see a friend at another university to party and she might not have time to see me.

I was very upset and felt let down, it felt like I wanted to see her so much more than she wanted to see me, and that hurt. I told her I couldn't cope with the ups and downs any more and I didn't want to speak to her until she had sorted her head out. She replied to this that it made her sad and she didn't like not talking to me but she understood and she's sorry. I think some time without talking might help her figure out what she wants, but at the same time I want to keep talking to her to try and win her round, I don't want her to forget about me but I do want her to be happy and I don't want to upset her any more. I'm also worried that we left things on a bad note when I told her I didn't want to talk to her anymore. This happened 4 days ago and I'm finding it difficult, I haven't heard anything from her. I feel sick worrying about what she might be doing and I'm struggling to sleep which is making me feel like crying all the time. I can't concentrate on anything else and I'm writing this at work because I can't think about anything else.

She is coming back briefly this weekend and I would love to see her, I'm not sure if I should contact her and arrange a drink or just to hang out but I'm worried that something might happen between us that will make me even more confused if she still says she needs more time. Also I feel perhaps if I stay away from her she might make the first move in trying to reconcile things? I'm truly worried that I've pushed her too far and she doesn't want me back, but I still think she is unhappy at the moment and perhaps to stubborn to come back. I just don't know what to do.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do?! I don't really want to move on, but I don't want to feel like this anymore if she's already moved on and got over it.

Thanks.

[michelle23]

I think she bailed on you at a very tough time in your life because she cannot hack it. That is wrong. I lost someone very close to me 2 and a half years ago. I wasn't myself for two years as I grieved. Its only recently I started to feel normal again but my bf was there for me every day-he understood what I was going through and just hoped that he'd eventually get the girl back that he fell in love with (his words) and now that I'm not so depressed anymore, more happy in myself-he couldn't be happier (we are both much happier)

Some people just don't understand grief. They expect you to be fine again in 6 months but it takes a lot longer than that. I think you should focus on yourself and if she ever grows up-she might come back but the important thing is to look after yourself.

Don't blame yourself for any of this. It is not your fault. She cannot expect you to be skipping around the place when you lost your dad last year and the first Christmas/new years is always the hardest. I remember being like a zombie the first Christmas. I wanted to be on my own to just curl up on the couch with my dog and talk to nobody but had to put on a brave face and pretend to enjoy myself for a few hours. That new years eve-I refused to go anywhere-I sat in my pjs drinking a can and went to bed before 12.

Thats called depression which is quite normal when your grieving. If she wants to go any party-leave her at it. I think she should have been stronger for you at a time when you really needed her support. She should be your rock during tough times and you should be hers. If she cannot do that for you-maybe you need to find a stronger women.

[Gorza]

Agree with Michelle, you're having a rough time of it and its understandable you need to grieve. For her she doesn't wanna be part of that as much as she understands the situation, she has an escape thru uni and going back thee has reignited her need to party and drink and see friends. Maybe that's her way of coping.

From what she saying and showing, she still feels for you and although its crappy on you because you need her more than ever - break and hold the break. Accept she's not going thru what a you are, limit your contact and she'll miss you more than before and even when she's not downing the booze.
She'll be back, you just have to trust that the years you spent together mean something and let her have her fun.

In yourself, stay strong and keep the faith. This is just a splash compared to the wave ofa year you've just had buddy!!!

[davidjones]

Thanks for the responses. I feel so helpless in this situation. I really want her to come round and want me back but I can't help thinking it could never be the same and I couldn't trust her again. All my memories of her feel tainted because nothing had really gone wrong and I feel like the time we spent together was a lie. I just wish I could stop thinking about her and what she might be up to and who with!

It's strange, I know this shouldn't hurt me as much as everything else over the last 12 months but it feels worse, I'm not sure if it's just all my grief coming out in one go now or whether it's just because this is something I should have had control over. I just don't see where things went wrong.

[michelle23]

Its normal to feel this way. Take everyday at a time and try to heal slowly. IF she comes back-you can worry about what you want to do and whether you can forgive or not. For now focus on yourself and surround yourself with positive supportive people.

Stay strong

[searock]

I think she couldn't handle your depression anymore. You should get professional help to guide you through this terrible period of your life, and do your best to move on from her.