Darkest Just Before Dawn?

[Slefgor]

Hello, I'm Kyle, I'm new to the forums and am just very lost in my situation. I'm in a 3 year relationship with my first love and don't know if it's worth fighting for. Sorry this is a lot to read but there is a lot of history and I am hoping it will help someone advise me if they knew the whole situation. We are both 23, she has a 4 year old girl from a previous relationship (never married) and I love and care for them both, but...

It started just over 3 years ago, in January we meet at a party at my house, exchanged numbers and instantly had a connection. We were just friends and she was in a relationship (of about 2 months), but about two weeks after meeting her she found out she was "the other girl" and her boyfriend already was in a LTR with another girl. After they broke up we became friends with benefits, mostly because I knew I was moving out of state at the end of July. We'll July, and my birthday, come around and we have an amazing connection and decide we want to try to make a relationship work, regardless of distance, I debate not leaving at all but a few weeks into the "dating" relationship I follow through with my plans. She encouraged this not wanting to feel guilty like I passed up an opportunity for her, but before I left I gave her a promise ring, and said I promise to always be her best friend, no matter how our dating relationship works out. For 2 months I do not have a phone so we write letters and I call her when I get the chance to use a pay phone or barrow someones phone, and we arrange for her to come see me. She comes out to visit and it is all rainbows and butterflies, we are both head over heals for each other. I end up getting my own phone just after the visit because I want to talk to her whenever I have a free moment. The one night shes crying on the phone and tells me in the past two months shes hooked up with 3 other guys and didn't want to ruin the visit and didn't tell me. So we decide to go back to being just friends. The job ended up not being what I expected and missing her and my friends back home, I put in my 2 weeks pack my bags and go home.

When I get home we hangout all the time, and decide to let the past be the past and try again, without the distance. Its now October and I am living with my mom and can't stand being back in the "nest" and want to move out. (My mom has always babied me and acts like a high schooler, she always wants the drama and gossip, and while she's nice, she spreads rumors and makes her feelings for my girlfriends to not be genuine, this has been awkward for other relationships, but really has been an issue with my first serious relationship) I got my old job back and am looking to move out when she tells me her and her best friend are getting a place in Dec and I should move in with her, being in love with her of course I say yes. So we move in and every things great. Paying rent and bills money is tight so I get her some small "cute" gifts for x-mas and Valentines day, while she spoils me. Everything is all great until one morning, following a party the previous night, she tells me a guy came on to her and kissed her and she (under the influence) kissed him back but then pushed him away and said she was in a relationship. I was hurt and upset, suddenly the blind romance ended I was back in reality. I moved into a friends basement, but continue talking to her, and we decide to go out to a club one night with all our friends, and I drink way to much, to the point that this night is only remembered based on what my friends told me happened. She gets upset at me (probably because my drunkenness) and goes home with her friends and I go to get food with mine, we meet a group of people we all hangout at breakfast and I kiss another girl that night. After being told this, I feel guilty and tell my girlfriend and we move further away from each other.

A short while after we decide we miss what we had and I move back in, we eventually move out and get our own place and things are good for another year or so. That's when I find out she cheated on me with a guy she worked with. She apologizes, we are only 6 months into a year long lease and neither of us can afford rent, so we do the sleeping in separate rooms thing. Our feelings for each other rekindle and we go back to our old ways. But now insecurities and arguments arise. Trust has become a huge issue, and it seems like we are getting in arguments every other week and breaking up and making up. During this time we both have car problems, hers wasn't worth fixing and was sold, and mine was refinanced to replace the engine, stress and bills build up and probably caused most of this. Things die down and get better again. When our lease is up do to financial situation we decide its better to give up the apartment and catch up on bills and get her a car, as we were just sharing mine. We move into her moms (cluttered) basement and have very little space. We decide to stay there until she pays off all her debt and fixes her credit so she can afford a car and go from there.

Well having no space to get away from each other and sharing one car seemed to be too much. The arguments came back. I work nights and she would go out with her friends drinking, then call me crying, saying that I am too good for her, and she doesn't want to be with me, when I would try to calm her down and tell her we will talk about it in the morning it was always "When I am drunk I have the confidence to break up with you, not when I'm sober." She doesn't have a drinking problem, this happened about once every other week though, and really took a toll on me. We have both gained weight since we started dating and not only do the trust issues come up often in these arguments, so do physical appearance insecurities. I moved out 5 months ago and it really seemed to helped. We have our own space and can get away from each other, and decided to be "just friends" but not much has changed except the title. We would still spend the night with each other at least 2 nights a week. I would come over after work and cook her breakfast, things were okay.

One night at 4 am she calls me up crying and tells me she just went out drinking and hooked up with her co-worker, but instantly thought of me and regretted ever doing it, she ran out of the house and started walking, and was too drunk to give the cab the right address, so I went out and found her walking down the street and gave her a ride home. We weren't "together" by definition at the time and while I was hurt she followed how she thought she felt and regretted it. We continued talking but saw each other much less. I would still give her rides to work when she couldn't get anyone else, because I did care about her and her daughter and didn't want her to lose her job. We had a good Christmas last year, both spoiled her daughter, and enjoyed ourselves, and it moved us closer again, and we have been close since. Her grandma passed at the beginning of the year and I was there for her the whole time and things felt right and normal again. But we have both been very busy with work and school and working out, that we each do our own thing. We still share my truck but shes got all her debt paid off and will hopefully be getting a car soon, and in an effort to get back in shape we both have steered away from drinking. Things are smooth sailing for a most part except for once or twice this year we've had arguments (typically still when alcohol is involved) but I feel with our busy schedules we are slowing moving apart.

Typically I would just stay on course and see how things play out, but things couldn't be that easy. At the beginning of this month her mom got a 30 day notice from her rental property tenants. Her mom asked us to move in March 1st and pick up rent because she really cannot afford to pay both mortgages with her rental property vacant. Her mom has been overly generous to us, and we told her we could help her out. While excited for the move, I'm very unsure. The backyard will be great for her daughter and we each have a dog. And it will be nice to have our space again. I cannot stand living with my room mates as they are messy people, but I only moved in because I needed an affordable room quickly, and I stick to my room most of the time.

The problem is she has told me for a while she loves me as a friend and a person, but isn't "in love" with me. It started she would only say it in drunken arguments, but now sometimes it comes up during sober times. I always thought she was just insecure about other things, and blamed me or the relationship. Plus usually hours later it was like it was never said. But now I feel like I am also falling out of love. With all our times apart I miss her dearly, but its not the same. I start to notice her blemishes or bad breath, which in 3 years I have subconsciously over looked. My eye seems to be wandering looking at other girls, which I haven't even noticed in a long time. I still tell her shes beautiful, and that's the truth. I love being around her and her daughter, we laugh and smile, and always enjoy each others company. But the romance has died down, I feel like we hold hands out of habit, not out of love, we kiss without meaning, and the sex is almost non-existent. Shes almost never in the mood and hasn't been for months, but the past few weeks if felt the same way, like the passion has left.

I really don't want to but her mom in a bind as we have committed to help her out, and she hasn't even tried to put the house up for rent. But how should I go about it. I feel like I should ask my girlfriend to move in as roommates (its a 3 bedroom, so he daughter would still have her own room) and move on as just friends. If things change we could always turn the extra room into a guest room. But can a friendship truly exist? What if we meet someone else, how awkward would it be to bring home a different girl or guy. And how would I explain to a new girl that I live with my ex of 3 years but as just room mates without sounding shady?

My friends who know the whole story always seem to tell me that they know we love each other and things will work out. Should I move in and hope that this breakdown becomes a breakthrough and we live happily ever after? Or do I just disappear, and go cold shoulder, leave her to her own path, and tell her mom I'm sorry I can't move in?

I know its a lot to read, but I don't know how to sum it up into a TLDR, thanks for reading and giving advice.

[halfandhalf12]

The fire in this relationship died a long time ago.....that is if it was even ever lit. It only took until the second paragraph, for you to talk about her hooking up with 3 other people. This girl seems to like the idea of a relationship, but isn't willing to put forth the honesty, loyalty and love that is required for a relationship to work. She has a lot of growing up to do. It would appear that she doesn't love herself either, which helps explain why she doesn't love you the way she should. She needs to work on herself and get her life together, and you need to get away from her. You need to let her grow up on her own. It's a shame to hear that she has a child and can't seem to keep it together and maintain some sort of consistency in her life, even if just for her child's sake. I wouldn't move in to her mother's rental property with her, since that is just a set up for failure. It's time for you to handle you business and let her pull herself together. This is a hard thing to do, but even you admitted yourself, that you are starting to realize your feelings fading. It's time to let go and get away. Be straight up with her and be straight up with her mother and cut ties for now. Good Luck!

[Slefgor]

Thanks for reading the whole thing, I feel you are right, its just scary to lose not only one person, but two people that you love. And it will be so hard to cut all ties because of the group of mutual friends we have built up in 3 years, I needed to hear your advice, but its so hard to take the leap.

[halfandhalf12]

No doubt the leap will be tough. But think of how tough it is on you dealing with mixed emotions and being told that someone "loves you" but isn't "in love" with you? It's time for the roller coaster to end, and its time for you to have some consistency in your life and be emotionally available for someone that is going to be honest and faithful to you. You don't have to totally cut them out of your life for good, but some distance for a while will be a good thing. That will enable them to grow and eventually the mutual "love" that you share for each other as friends, can be stronger and fair to all of you.

[Slefgor]

I feel you are right, it is time for both of us to better ourselves.

[michelle23]

All this cheating, pain, hurt, jealousy, anger, paranoia, trust issues not to mention the on and off relationship that only seems to lead to more cheating.

I think you were stupid to forgive her so many times and I think you need to walk away. This is not a healthy relationship. I would never put up with all this crap.

[basilandthyme]

I firmly believe that if a relationship needs to be 'fought' for, then it's not worth having.