my girlfriends best friend loves her

[askinguy]

hey guys.
i have this issue going through my mind. my girlfriends (we're for 3 months together) best friend (they know each other for years) is in love with her. she knows it, and i got to know it recently too. now i trust her and im not worried about her cheating on me. but then i got to know, that she had sex with him, before i got to know her. but she didnt slept with him, because she wanted to, but it was rather a gift for him. now he sometimes tells her, how much he loves her and so on. and that hurts my girlfriend, because she feels pity for him.
now whats my problem: i donot like it, that she spends so much time with her. not because im jealous. i trust her. its more, why would she want to spend time with somebody, who loves her. he obviously would like to be with her. and he claims, that hes very deep in love with her. so his intentions are obvious.
now i dont want her to decide between me and him. i would like her, that she alone doesnt want to deal with him that much. they see each other pretty often.
what i would like to know now. am i the only one, who thinks, their friendship is strange?! i would have absolutely no problem, if he wasnt in love with her. (and i had no problem with it, until i got to know about that fact).
damn im struggelin to write my thoughts down...
hope u understand my issue.
greets and thanks for any answeres.
the askin guy

[HeartIsAching]

Are you allowed to go with her when she visits him?

[askinguy]

first, thanks for your answere!
yes, i probably would, if i were interested in. we met earlier with him and others. but not we 3 alone. i have never liked him. now since i know that fact, i even like him less.

[michelle23]

If i was in this situation that you are in-i would walk away. I wouldnt make her choose. Id just accept that i m not comfortable with the situation, never will be and its only 3months in so its time to walk away and find someone who doesnt have a best mate who they priously slept with and doesnt spend lots of time with a person whos in love with them

[Rowen]

I get what you mean, so I know why it's hard to put your thoughts down. I was in this situation before to an extent...but not in your shoes. I'll leave it at that.

To be honest, perhaps direct communication is best. Convey to her how you feel- that you trust her, but you don't know her friend as well as you know her and that it makes you a little bit uncomfortable. Make it clear that you're not asking her not to see him- just for her to reinforce her boundaries with him. In the end, if you trust her like you seem to and she does this, it all should work out fine. If she doesn't, then I would say you have reason not to be so trusting of her...

If she does this and you don't trust her, though, I will warn you that it will destroy the entire relationship. I've had that before with my ex-boyfriend almost three years back. I knew he was running around on me behind my back and drinking heavier and heavier... It affected my trust in him- making me wonder if he actually wanted me or not and if I was the root of his drinking. It led to many, many fights which pushed us away from each other. I won't deny we had a variety of other problems, but the fact that I didn't trust him as much didn't help. I don't bring this up to worry you; I only mean to make you aware of a possibility.

I'd try talking to her. If she reacts in a bad way, well... You'll definitely be able to tell if she's the flower or the serpent under it...

[bearz]

You're only going to get hurt down the road. The fact that they have known each other for so long, have had sex before, and are still seeing each other only means that they are going to end up in bed together again. As Rowen said, you can talk to her about how you feel about it, but the chances of anything changing in your favor are pretty slim I think. Someone's not going to ditch their friend of 3 years.

[Rowen]

If i was in this situation that you are in-i would walk away. I wouldnt make her choose. Id just accept that i m not comfortable with the situation, never will be and its only 3months in so its time to walk away and find someone who doesnt have a best mate who they priously slept with and doesnt spend lots of time with a person whos in love with them

While I agree that if you love someone, you don't make them choose- you just give them up if they're happiest that way, I don't think it should come to a choice in this case... If it does, though, he needs to walk away like you said. But she may never make it come to that. It's all about what she makes this situation into.

If it leads towards her making a choice...then you need to leave. You're not a second option- the other used car someone's going to look at if their first, ideal choice falls through. It's you- the high performance sports-car that person is dreaming about, never wanting to look at another car. If you can't be her only choice, you can't fight for her. It'll never work out because she'll always have a backup plan. Believe me; I know what it feels like being Mr. Backup Plan.

[michelle23]

Sleeping with him as a gift lol?? I would not believe that crap. Why would she have sex with him if she didnt want to?? Thats alarm bells ringing..

[Wakeup]

if she knows this guy loves her and she gave him sex as a "gift" she's got some issues. It's up to her to cut out the disrespect to you and the relationship you have with her. If I were you, I'd tell her how you feel and give her a chance to show you just how much she values you.. if at all. No threats or ultimatum.. just a simple statement about "I feel disrespected."

If she refuses to give up the attention she gets from a man that loves her that isn't you.. well then. pffft to her.

.. I think the tune they coined for someone in your shoes is "These Boots Were Made For Walkin"

I'll add that if she doesn't want to be anything other than a friend who once fkd him, then she's one cruel piece of work to keep him reaping his attention and stagnating him from finding a girl that would be more than a friend to him... You might kindly point that out to her in her selfishness.

[askinguy]

thanks to all your answeres and your time, you take.
well. she also claims that she is asexual. she havent had sex many times before. but she loves to sleep with me. on this contradiction she claims its just a phase, which will probably go by.

then the other thing with talking. i talked allready often about things, i didnt like. for example:
we got to know at university. shes freshman. so she also got to know some other guys in the time, when we got to know each other. i know most of them. so the one guy (A), had also a crush on her. she even slept one time at his place when they watched a movie. never the less, they become also kinda friends and sometimes met for a beer. at the beginning of our relationship she was talkin shit (when i ie asked, what she will do tomorrow) like, "tomorrow is wednesday. wednesday is A-day." and they met for some time every week for a beer. i talked to her. first, she didnt understand my point. but then she talked to her best friend (a girl, not that stupid guy xD) about that. then she understood. and now they dont see that often.
other thing:
at the beginning of our relationship, we didnt see each other very often. we mostly met at the university while studying or after and went to a bar where i know many people, where she got to know them as well, so we were rarely alone two by two. but then she met with another guy she got to know at the university, and met him for nine hours. two by two. she was meant to come after that to me to that bar. she left that guys place at 1am i think. i got upset. especially because until that day, she never met me two by two for so long straight. and talked to her the next day about it. first she absolutely didnt understand. and she even was argueing, that she knows him TWO WEEKS longer than me, so she knows him more than me. then she talked to her best friend, and she understood. now she doesnt meet those guys anymore. but shes still in contact with them. facebook and so.
so she shows me, that she loves me, and that she maybe even want to change for me. but im very uncertain, if i wanna have a girlfriend, that has to change so much for me. i want a girlfriend, which is herself that way.
i dont want to break up with her. and i even dont want to hurt her with breaking up. but that shit is gettin on my wick.
i want a good girl. u understand what i mean with good girl? i think so.

for example, when we were not together yet, she once slept with two guys she got to know in the university in one bad between these guys. it must have been about 2-4 weeks, after she got to know them. there was no sex or anything. but its just the point. a good girl does simply not sleep in bed with guys, she barely know. no matter that there was nothing going on.

thats rly hard for me...
-.-

[askinguy]

now i dont know, if i should talk AGAIN about such a thing.
imho a relationship shouldnt look like this. that u always have to talk about such things...

[askinguy]

No threats or ultimatum.. just a simple statement about "I feel disrespected."

thats exactly what i did already a few times. but its gettin on my wick to talk about every single situation again.
imho thats all same thing, she should see that on her own, and not that i first have to tell her. and then she does it, like i want to. she should be that way on herself.

[askinguy]

Sleeping with him as a gift lol?? I would not believe that crap. Why would she have sex with him if she didnt want to?? Thats alarm bells ringing..

to reply directly: she claims, that shes asexual, thats why it was not a big thing for her to sleep with him. and he was leaving town to study at in another city. and that was supposed to be the farewell-gift. :/
but afaik he is comin back in town, cuz he feels lonely in that other city. the last few weeks hes already in town, cuz the term is through...

[askinguy]

ill go to bed now. i appreciate every anwsere and advise.
good night or good morning, wherever you are
^^

[Rowen]

Sleeping with him as a gift lol?? I would not believe that crap. Why would she have sex with him if she didnt want to?? Thats alarm bells ringing..

I'll give you that one, but what I mean is that it shouldn't have to come to it if she really loves him. It's the ultimate test of her devotion because, if it does, then he knows for sure her devotion was not real.

Furthermore, anyone sleeping with someone as a gift is a bit...I can't even think of a witty sarcastic reply. Just..yeah.