I just need help. I'm confused and frustrated. Warning: long. sorry :<

[Christinepaul]

GOOD GOD I WROTE A NOVEL

1st Breakup:
We're both 20/21, go to different colleges about 25 minutes away, both pretty broke, and as of lately have opposing schedules.
We dated for a month last October, then broke up in November. He was dealing with depression and friend drama, and family issues and couldn't focus on a new relationship at the time so he broke up with me. He also kept saying that he didn't know what he wanted. He spent the next three months while we were broken up keeping in touch, telling me he missed me, how he was fixing things,etc. It was only about three weeks before he was asking if we could get back together. He felt like he had worked it out to a point were he could be (in his words) what I deserve. I felt like he was probably not ready, and so I told him we could talk about it in a little while. So long story short, by the end of February he was acting much different, seemed much happier and healthier and so he came over and hung out.
He obviously wanted a relationship again, he would work into conversation how he wanted to get back together and all the changes he had made. Turns out he had been going to therapy since right after we broke up and he was working on family issues.

Back Together:
Since that conversation, in which we decided to do a do-over and got officially back together. He wants me to meet all his friends and be close with them, wants to meet my friends, talks to me about things that matter, just overall seems more invested in the relationship than he ever was the first time around. The only other stuff was he said we should mix up our routine a little and try some new date stuff together. Get out of the house, which I absolutely agreed to.
(There was also a weird conversation the last time he stayed over in which I was a little frustrated with him and said "why do we even work together?" mostly jokingly, and he said "I don't know, we have nothing in common. I went to therapy because I couldn't figure that out." he was saying it jokingly too, but it was interesting because he told me before that when we broke up "he was realizing he liked me a lot and could see us being together for a really long time and it freaked him out") That night, I was the one to get distant, because I was trying to figure out why he would put in so much effort to get me back if we have nothing in common. I'm a pretty confident person, but I can't figure out why he likes me to that extent. He could tell I was upset and said something like "if we're going to break up, I'm going to leave that to you" (like he didn't want to) Since then, I've decided we're yin and yang and that's why we work, but I'm sure I gave him a weird impression about how I felt about him.

The first night after I agreed I would give me another shot, he stopped in the middle of our conversation and told me that "he had had this whole paragraph in his head to tell me about how i make him want to be a better person, but he forgot a lot of it" flustered.Stuff like that keeps happening since we got back together and it's really hard not to believe him cause he has no reason to lie.

Problem:
So all was pretty much fine and dandy until the last week or two.
It's weird. I was (secretly) getting annoyed at how little I would hear from him day to day, only hearing from him to plan when we would see each other once or twice a week, but then he started texting me, calling me, I would hear from him every night, many days. Like I said, he just seemed like he was putting me at a high priority. He even sat outside my apartment for over half an hour because we were supposed to hang out and I didn't make it home in time, dawww. We happened to find a tv show we both love, and he asked me to wait to watch it so we could watch it together and it could be our "thing" "cause that's what couples do". But I saw him on the weekend before last (so like 11 days ago) when we hung out and he stayed the night, and I haven't seen him since. We talk every night still. He's definitely making that effort, but I went to stop at his place Monday on my way home from somewhere and he was asleep and didn't seem to care if I came in or not (even though he had asked me to come over) so I left and let him sleep.

Tonight I said "hey, remember when we used to see each other in person? those were the days" and he said "I don't mind this"
He hasn't seen me in almost two weeks and he doesn't mind?
It's just weird.
I can't decide what the deal is. He can be so hot and cold sometimes.

also confusing the situation, he told me recently about how he's still very good friends with all the girls he's dated. And one is his best friend's roommate, dating someone, (also sister of his other best friend's girlfriend) but he was having her over to hang out that night. She added me on Facebook too. I mean part of me is fine with that, because obviously they're not trying to keep anything a secret, but the other part just thinks it's weird. He says he's still just as good friends with the other girls, and talks to them pretty regularly.

Help!:
I'm just confused. The first time when we broke up, he was just being totally distant and off for a while before he ended it, I felt it before it happened. Right now, part of me thinks we're fine, but the whole him not really caring if we see each other regularly or not is bugging me. He puts in effort in terms of talking to me and stuff, and he's said so many things to make me believe that he actually wants to be with me, but it's annoying that he suddenly stopped caring about being in person.

This is all just a big tangled mess in my head. I'm sure I'm making a bigger deal out of some things than they are because I'm still unsure about how steady we are, seeing as how he broke up with me once already, but I'm not really sure what's reasonable to be upset about and what I'm blowing out of proportion in my head. I don't want to sabotage the relationship just because I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for our inevitable demise. He told me that he wants a relationship with me, and he's looking at more like a year than a month (long term not short). His longest relationship so far has been 6 months, a couple more have been shorter. He's said a few times that he's trying to get better at the "whole long term relationship thing" for me because he wants it to last, so I get the impression that he's actually in this for the long haul, it's just stuff like not caring if he sees me doesn't really fit with that.

Cliffnotes:
I don't get why he likes me so much to spend 3 months getting me back. I think it's making me paranoid about everything.
He has said/done things to make me believe him, but has also told me he's fine with not seeing each other very often.
He's good friends with his exes, which weirds me out a little.

Someone talk me down please. I'm more frustrated with myself than anything.

[michelle23]

He sounds like a typical player and I would not trust him. Hes probably cheating on you and has a few different girls on the go (hence why he only sees you when it suits him)

Anyway whether my instincts are right or not ^^^, its irrelevant. You should just end it coz you clearly put more effort in than he does and your confused all the time. It shouldn't be this complicated.

He chased you for 3 months coz your a challenge, now that he has you hell back off, hell only be nice to you each time you break up with him, hell tell you what you want to hear and mean none of it. Its all a game. Don't play along.

If I am right about him, he will strip away all your confidence bit by bit, destroy your self esteem. By the time hes done with you-you will have no self respect and you will be self destructive. Ive seen it happen to a few of my friends and its so sad to watch a cunt treat your mate like dirt and she cant see him for what he is when everyone else can. A friend of mine was played for two years, depressed off her head and he was like a drug to her for some strange reason. Even just looking at hum-its plain obvious what a dog he is but all his sweet words and mind games sucked her back in each time she dumped him. Shes finally over him now and shes happier, shes met someone else

Does your friends like him? Have you heard any rumors about him?

[Christinepaul]

Believe me, my confidence is still entirely intact. He's knows he can't mess with me like that, 'cause I always call him out on his crap. I told him when we got back together that this was his last chance and I reminded him again last night if we break up it's for good. That's when he started to slow down and talk to me about it. Yes, the friends that have met him do like him, no rumors. He's not some sort of smooth talking player, he's more of a big doofus. I can tell when he's being sincere because I watch very closely, and so far, the impression I get is that everything he's told me is how he actually feels, he's just divided on how he feels. Which I can't really fault him for when I feel that way too.

Actually we had a really long talk last night when I got pissed (which believe me never happens) and it comes down to he knows he wants something to change but he doesn't know what it is. He says that he's been wrestling with why he feels the way he does about me if we have "nothing in common". I laid it all out on the table. Asked him about every little thing that had ever bothered me and I feel a lot better about it. Pretty much all the stuff in my first post is resolved for me. He said he's afraid he's going to hurt me by dating me cause he doesn't know what he needs. I gave him several outs and told him that if he's just not that into me then that's fine, he'll hurt me more by going hot and cold on me than just telling me how he actually feels, but he wants to try fixing it first. He said that the last time we broke up it was because he "wanted something different" but then he missed me and wanted it to work and regretted it, which is why he doesn't want to end it again. But he also said that he didn't want to be the guy to screw me up since he's my first serious boyfriend and "I don't know any different dating wise" (which i don't consider true)

He says that I'm just completely different than every girl he's dated and not at all who he'd pictured he'd end up with and he's having a hard time figuring out how he feels about that. I can tell he's divided. I started the break up, and he was pretty much agreeing, but then we talked it out and he went from saying that we have nothing in common, to saying that I can read him really well and that we complement each other. Then started saying how he enjoyed doing "cute" things for me even though he's never liked doing that with other girls. We both agreed that we want something to change, mostly in that we need to get out and experience new situations together and get to know each other on different levels. So I'm only confused now because it seems like we both want change, and the same change, but it's not like a "Oh good, glad we got that solved" it's still ambiguous.

The problem with us is that we rushed into things. It's been our problem since the beginning and it's still causing issues. Neither of us is very traditional and we were more like "screw the procedure!" and went from meeting to dating in ten seconds flat without the getting-to-know-you phase. (I tried to slow things down but he didn't understand why and now it's come back to bite us) So now he feels like he doesn't know me as a friend first the way he wants to.

So instead of breaking up which is how the conversation started, he wants me to spend part of spring break in his hometown with him, meet his close friends, and then maybe come back to my hometown with me and get to know my friends.

We're basically yin and yang. Opposites, but with enough overlapping values, beliefs, and interests that we do complement each other and balance each other out. We seem totally different but we think a lot alike. we're both academics, he's a historian, i'm in anthropology. Both atheists. On the surface he's super social but he really lives in his own head, I seem really quiet but I really love people. He rules by spontaneous emotion I'm more rational most of the time. He talks about wars, genocide, and politics all the time, but he's just a hopeless romantic, and I like to talk out emotions, but I'm really the more logical one.
Part of the reason I like him so much is that we both challenge each other. I feel like I've grown as a person since I've met him and he's said the same. I don't know what to do. Cause in day to day we work really well together, but there's some underlying thing that keeps surfacing. On one hand I feel like if we just figure it out and deal with it, then we'd be great together, but on the other hand I think we just screwed up the beginning and now the whole relationship is just a mess.

Has anyone dealt with something like this before? Is there any chance of it working or is it a lost cause and we're doomed to be friends forever?

[Wakeup]

Well, if he's not seeing other women then I'd be worried about his lack of libido. If he can go two weeks without having sex with you when he could have it a lot more if he came to see you then are your libido's even matched? I know sex isn't everything in a relationship but it is VERY important if you're libidos are not compatible.

Having female friends is one thing. Having female friends, hanging one-on-one with them while not see you for two weeks is quite another. He doesnt' value you much... if he does, he sure doesn't show it.

"Hes said so many things that make me believe he wants to be with me" Those are just words. His actions are showing you that he only wants to be with you when he hasn't anything else to do or when he's not passed out on his couch, or when he's not with other girls.

You're not making a bigger deal out of things then what they actually are. Your gut is telling you something, don't ignore it yet again. A man who loves you, is close enough to visit whenever he wants but doesn't since 11 days ago does not value you the way you deserve to be valued. You know that, so don't make excuses in your own head why you should stay with him. He's shown you twice now that he's incapable of fulfilling your needs.

To add since you posted while I was posting:

He said he's afraid he's going to hurt me by dating me cause he doesn't know what he needs

He will indeed hurt you because you belive his words and you ignore his actions.

I'm thinking If a person you're dating doesn't know what they want they more times then not will hurt you by being indecisive and rather cavalier with your emotional well being.

[michelle23]

Well how long have you actually been together? A month in the beginning and now what? A couple of weeks? Another month?

This should be the honeymoon phase where you both have butterflies and cant get enough of each other. It all seems too complicated for early romance and it shouldn't be this hard. If you were together 5 years and all of a sudden started having problems-id say "try to work it out" but it all sounds too messy and weird to me.

I met my bf on a night out and we had 2 weeks of getting to know each other before becoming official and never any real issues in the past 4 and a half years. I think if there are issues in the first 6 months-12months it rarely works out long term and your probably wasting your time.

Its your choice though-if you trust him and want to see if it goes somewhere do... but I would not be happy about all those exes sniffing around him. To me that is very suspicious.

And I agree 100% with wakeup. She makes a lot of valid points. He doesn't seem too bothered really about whether he sees you or not.

[Wakeup]

I don't want to sabotage the relationship just because I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for our inevitable demise. He told me that he wants a relationship with me, and he's looking at more like a year than a month (long term not short).

If you stay with him, odds are high he'll dump you. He sees no future with you if he has already put a date stamp on the relationship. Anyone who was serious would not say something so ridiculously casual. If you're okay with it being a college fling and you'll be fine when he ends it and goes off to do his thing, then I'd say keep on keeping on, but if you expect this to be your life-mate, then I'd say forget it sistah.

[Christinepaul]

well 1. we weren't having sex yet, but were very close. we both have pretty high sex drives and were doing everything but
2. after talking to him about his exes, i don't think they're a problem.
3. he didn't see me for two weeks, but wanted to at points, I was home for the weekend when he was finally free. it was just the end of that two weeks where he seemed to be backing off. actually, it's weird, it seems like if we spend a lot of time together, he wants to spend MORE time together, but if our schedules don't line up and we can't see each other all week, he backs off.
4. I still believe everything he told me. he's sounds like he's just conflicted about how he feels. the problem is that now his words are always lining up, unlike before, but his actions are a little hit and miss. He'll do really sweet things that take a lot of effort, then he won't mind if he doesn't see me. Hot and cold. i'm not ignoring his actions, it's just that his good actions are there, and then a couple bad actions are thrown in. it's hard to tell what it means.
5. My gut feels much better now that i've talked to him. everything is out in the open now. And i know he values me just based on the way he acts, it's hard to explain but just stuff like jumping to help when I needed him and his friends introducing themselves to me over Facebook because he's been talking about us, i can tell he cares.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it, but I am absolutely convinced that he means what he says he's just confused. And i have a hard time dumping him because of it when I'm confused too. I mean he wasn't the only one that thought it was weird that we get along so well when there's so few common interests. It's like we both feel a spark but we don't know what to do with it or why it's there.
I'm not sure. I don't feel like he's hurting me, I'd rather just figure it out together. I just don't want to waste a good thing when it's there.

[michelle23]

If he has hinted this is short term or casual-he will break your heart and hes already pointed out "we have nothing in common" that is his get out of jail free card when he needs to use it ie. when someone better comes along.

[Christinepaul]

It's almost like a one night stand where we both realized we like each other more than that. Like it was supposed to just be casual hanging out and it's morphed, and it seems like he wasn't ready for that. and like I said, I'm not worried about the exes at all now. They barely dated it turns out, she's got a long term boyfriend, the other exes he just keeps in touch with and considers friends.

As for the butterflies, it's odd, like i said, when we see each other a lot, he wants to see me more, but when we can't see each other often enough he gets in his own head about it.
I get that that is his own problem, just part of me is hoping he'll snap out of it. I wish there was something to just kill my hope, but the last time we talked like this, things got much better, so i have to somehow tell myself that that won't happen this time and it's not worth it.

[michelle23]

If things don't get better straight away and if it goes back to this where you need to have another long chat to fix things-id say just end it. Give him a chance if you want BUT just ONE chance and thats it.

billions of men in the world-dont waste time on one who doesnt want what you want.

[Christinepaul]

If he has hinted this is short term or casual-he will break your heart and hes already pointed out "we have nothing in common" that is his get out of jail free card when he needs to use it ie. when someone better comes along.

that's the thing, he hasn't. He wanted us to get back together and was saying that he didn't want it to be like last time and that he didn't want it to fall apart after a month (ha). He was trying to get across that he wanted a long term relationship rather than a fling. He's the one who won't even let it be casual. I been trying to get him to "date" me, just hanging out and getting to know each other and it seems like he's finally coming around to that, but he's wanted me to meet his friends, his family, come see his hometown, wants to meet my family, and brought up how we would work while I'm studying abroad for a month this summer. It's like his default is serious relationship immediately and I have to bring him back down to earth.
And the "nothing in common" was a problem for me before it was for him. it's like we share a lot of things, but it's not the obvious things, so it gets overlooked. if we truly had nothing in common, we wouldn't be able to hang out together for 12 hours at a time and not get bored. That just wouldn't happen.

[michelle23]

If he wants to speed things up-whats the problem then or have I missed the point? Now you want to slow things down? lol

Can you not just go with the flow

[Wakeup]

well 1. we weren't having sex yet, but were very close. we both have pretty high sex drives and were doing everything but

I see. So are you saying that your both quite happy only indulging once in 11 days?

2. after talking to him about his exes, i don't think they're a problem.

Why because he told you they aren't a problem? His actions of haning onto them when it's over and hanging out one-on-one with them say differently then what his words say. Something to think about.

3. he didn't see me for two weeks, but wanted to at points, I was home for the weekend when he was finally free. it was just the end of that two weeks where he seemed to be backing off. actually, it's weird, it seems like if we spend a lot of time together, he wants to spend MORE time together, but if our schedules don't line up and we can't see each other all week, he backs off.

Then why did you complain about lack of time together when you're actually quite fine with it. You're justifying everything he does now when in your opening post you were complaining about the very things you now defend him on.?????

4. I still believe everything he told me. he's sounds like he's just conflicted about how he feels.

Yes, and I gave you my take on people who are confused and how often times they will hurt you.

the problem is that now his words are always lining up,

you are mistaken. What possible could his words line up to if his actions aren't matching what he says/promises?

but his actions are a little hit and miss. He'll do really sweet things that take a lot of effort, then he won't mind if he doesn't see me.

Then if you're going to stay with him, you best learn to be happy with what he does give you. Him not caring about not being able to see you and all.

i'm not ignoring his actions, it's just that his good actions are there, and then a couple bad actions are thrown in. it's hard to tell what it means.

It's clear from this end. But then we're able to see the forest for the trees.

5. My gut feels much better now that i've talked to him. everything is out in the open now. And i know he values me just based on the way he acts, it's hard to explain but just stuff like jumping to help when I needed him and his friends introducing themselves to me over Facebook because he's been talking about us, i can tell he cares.

Oh no one says he doesn't care. He can care and still be unwilling to give you what you need to keep you satified. He can even care and leave you quite easily when your "year" is up.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it, but I am absolutely convinced that he means what he says he's just confused. And i have a hard time dumping him because of it when I'm confused too. I mean he wasn't the only one that thought it was weird that we get along so well when there's so few common interests. It's like we both feel a spark but we don't know what to do with it or why it's there.
I'm not sure. I don't feel like he's hurting me, I'd rather just figure it out together. I just don't want to waste a good thing when it's there.

You have it figured out then. Good luck... just don't be blind to red flags in the future like you were being prior to this talk you just had with him.