Is there any situation where...

[basilandthyme]

but all couples argue or take shit out on each other sometimes.

Just for accuracy.....it's not true that ALL couples argue or take shit out on each other. Treating each other with respect is a basic expectation in my house.

A couple can disagree but get it sorted before it turns into an argument. And taking shit out on each other ....I asked hubby about this and we couldn't define what the term means. If you're referring to getting a bit narky and irritated from time to time, then yes - that happens. But if you're talking about throwing insults around when you've had a bad day or are disagreeing - then no, it's not something which all couples do.

Anyway, not trying to cause an arguement with you - just giving brokenhearted pespective on what different relationships can look like.

[michelle23]

that is what i meant. it sounds to me like she was just in a bad mood. i dont think she has been insulting him or arguing with him.

it sounds to me like she went outa her way to make him happy 90% of the time while he prob did around 50%

[brokenhearted91]

Please help..

We've just been talking about why I'm still on the pill and he's said why do I still wanna be on so I said joking "just cos I'm not sleeping with you doesn't mean I'm not sleeping with someone else" and then he keeps asking who I'm texting and I was like why do you wanna know an he was like I can read you like a book... And I said what do you mean and he was like "who is he then?" So I just smiled (mainly at how stupid he was for thinking that and didn't say yes or no (so its not lying its just not saying anything) now he's convinced I'm texting a lad and he keeps asking me and saying he doesn't mind he's just curious cos I won't tell him...

He won't stop goin on about it and he says its cos he's curious! And then he said maybe its cos it confirms I've moved on, but he keeps asking me. And then he said he's happy I'm moving on... And he said something about him an what should it matter if he's moved on or not... (Hello can he not see I still love him??) And he kept asking if id kissed him yet and where ive met him. I just said I don't want to answer your questions and I shouldn't have to. I'm not texting a lad but even if I was why does he want to know???

My head is a total mess. I'm crying myself to sleep silently and he's in the same room as me but I can't stop.

[clarabellew]

I can't believe how much like my situation yours is...!

And I am going through the same patterns of thoughts as you - if he doesn't care any more, why ask about you? I'm very confident that there isn't a third (or more) person involved in mine and my husbands situation. My Mum looks after our daughter whilst we're at work and when he picks her up on a Monday night, he often asked what I've been doing, where I've been going, who with, etc. Why? Surely he shouldn't be interested in where I go, or what I do? I know if I were to, say, go on a date, he would not like that, at all. In fact, I've just got myself a second job (to pay the bills) in my old local pub and he did not like that at all. He doesn't like the opportunity for me to meet new guys.

I have to wonder (certainly in my situation), if it's a control thing. My husband wants to control it all, call the shots and will come back when he feels like it and until then I have to do things as he wants. We actually went through the same thing not longer after we got together, a couple of years ago. It was simpler as we didn't have our daughter then, but he left and I did everything in my power to get him to come back - I begged, pleaded, promised the earth, constantly text and rang him. But then..... I just stopped. I don't know if I just gave up or realised it wasn't worth it. I got on with my life on my own and decided I just didn't care about him in that way any more. Pretty sharply he came running back, as it gave him an insight into a life without me, and he didn't like that at all.

I think the same thing will happen for me again. I am starting to live my life again, do what makes me happy. It's obvious that it is starting to bother him already, so hopefully he will realise what he's going to lose and want to try and sort things out. But if not, I will continue to live my life and will be no worse off........

[michelle23]

You don't have to explain yourself to him. Tell him its none of his business what you do or who your texting and tell him its none of your business what he does. BH be aloof and distant with him. You don't owe him anything. You don't have to try and be his best friend. Leave him at it and just be polite if you have to.

[brokenhearted91]

We spoke last night and I can tell he's still angry about the situation. About how he warned me my behaviour was making him unhappy and I didn't do anything. How he never fails at anything but he feels like he's failed at this. What confused me was he said "if we got back together, you wouldn't change" whereas prior to this he's always insisted there was no chance. I told him I still cared and I think about it every second of everyday but that's as far as I went. It just confused me why he was so bothered at the prospect of me texting another lad, if it was a girl he wasnt bothered (I was texting two friends one he knows the other he doesn't). I didn't lie to him, I just wouldn't tell him but he seemed rattled by it and I don't know why? I just want him to see how much I was willing to make a go at things, it would be so much easier if I wasnt paranoid constantly about him texting another female.

That's what I thought. Because we still live together and he knows he's gonna see me, and because I've been goin home at the weekends and he's been out doing work (like it was when we were together) I feel like not much has changed for him and he hasn't experienced fully the impact of his decision. When I move out for good, if I can show what a good person I still am, he might realise more what life without me is like and might miss it. That's what I'm hoping anyway. I'm just going to act civil and like the better person because at the end of the day it can't be worse than it is now, I've got nothing to lose.

[clarabellew]

Yes, one thing you should definitely do is be nice to him. I'm not saying take the blame or be a doormat, but make the effort to be pleasant (and I'm not saying you aren't already!). Firstly, as someone earlier pointed out I think, he's not going to feel affection or want to come back to someone that he can't get on with; that's who he is pulling away from.

And perhaps try this - and it is difficult, especially if you don't agree with him, I know this myself - but acknowledge how he feels and why he left you. Almost agree with him - don't argue. He's pulling away from the you that disagrees with him and doesn't listen to want he wants - maybe if you acknowledge how he feels and why he left you, he will have less reason to be angry with you and the good feelings may start to surface again. It may take time.

And yes, he may still be angry with you. If he is, let him be - don't fight against it. And I know that this IS hard, but just give him time. Time will help him to heal and for the anger to subside. Give him time to work through it in his head. Now I know some people in this thread might not agree with this - but have you tried apologising? I mean, really sincerely apologising? Now, I'm NOT saying apologise for anything you may have done, but perhaps for how it made him feel? I'll give you an example: in the letter I wrote my husband, I apologised NOT for speaking to him like dirt (I don't believe I did), but for the fact that he FELT I spoke to him like dirt. There's a difference. I'm sorry if anything that I may have done hurt or upset him, although not for my actual actions, if that makes sense?

Out of interest, which Uni are you at?

[Filip Pejsa]

"It's just the memories and the happiness that's killing me..." "I just hope deep down in time, if he calms down he might see things differently and like I've repeatedly said, see the grass isn't greener on the other side."
Going through the same experience - waiting to rekindle with my first love - it´s been already 25 yrs since she had dumped me due to my weakness and immaturity compared to my peers. She avoided me completely for 10 years and it took 22 years to win back at least her cautious friendship. It´s heart rending to realize now at our age of 45 that I definitively miss the chance to have a child with her (she has 2 sons, 18 & 20 this year, but always wanted a daughter). Although her marriage is not flawless anymore (she had been cheated for a few years lately), she says she would never retaliate or think of divorce. So my only chance left in this world seems to be outliving her husband (he is 7 yrs older than we), but keep hoping as I have met only 1 more girl in my life that would make me so happy just for being close to her and being helpful to her family. Unfortunately, I have lost her after 5 yr. of wonderful relationship because she insistently wanted marriage & third child (she was divorced with 2 kids) and I could not decide having felt still bound by the promise to my first love. So it´s now 4 years she´s been avoiding me completely after I had finally decided and proposed to her, too late. Recently she found a man whom she is happy with and they are going to marry. I keep trying to hope that God can never be against true and lasting love but after all that time thoughts about suicide keep gnawing at my mind more and more every day.
So try to be strong and patient, maybe this world is not the one where true love can be blessed. But there is a time down the line in eternity where the power of forgiveness and reconciliation prevails and wins over grudge and unconcern. Keeping fingers crossed:-)

[michelle23]

Guys stop giving her false hope.

If he really wanted you back-he would chase you. Its pointless saying all that to him again and again and hell see through ur bs eventually as well bout you texting someone else and just laugh at you.

Im not saying to be rude or nasty to him. Be polite and mature but be distant. Act as if your getting on with your life. If you really want the loser back-that is the only way to get him.

But i think hes had enough and is not coming back and the longer you stay in denial the harder it will be.

Look up other peoples stories. When this happens its rare that it will work out.

Plus you are both starting a new chapter in your lives soon once college ends. Id say he is sure of his decision.

[brokenhearted91]

He's from the same town as me back home so we won't be completely away from each other in that sense. I don't want false hope but I don't want to lose hope because even though I feel it is over, it's what's keeping me going right now. It's easy for me to think the people are saying its no use are wrong and it's easy to think the people who think there's hope as wrong. I guess none of us know but I appreciate all your advice, I really do.

I have aploogised for making him feel that way, I was actually very clever in that I didn't apologise for what I'd done as such. And I'm being polite and friendly, I wanna show him what he's missing either way. That's all I can do.

I'm at lincoln university.