Frustrated With Sex Life

[canadaguy999]

I'm getting really frustrated with my fiancé over our sex life and I'm really not sure what to do. I've talked with my fiancé countless times about us having more sex. We have been together for almost 3 years and are engaged to be married. Sometimes we go two weeks without having sex and lately I've been getting really upset about it. Mostly because I've tried every way possible to explain to her that I would like us to have a better sex life. I try and ask her what she likes/doesn't like, how we can make it more enjoyable to her if that's the issue. I just find mostly I'm getting angry about it because I feel like because it's not getting much better I feel like she doesn't care. We don't have any kids so that's not really an excuse for us. I've been really trying lately not to get mad about it because I feel like a day or so after I get upset about itr we'll have sex but I feel like it's more because I was mad about it then her actually wanting to have sex. I just feel like this should be the "honeymoon" stage of our relationship and I feel like I'm not getting that. I've tied to explain to her that it's more than just sex. It's how I feel loved, affection, etc. She says she cares what I'm saying but then I think honestly how can she care if nothing is done. I have a extremely flexible job and work a mix of days and nights. When I'm working I'm able to come home pretty much at anytime and always tell her that if it's a week where we work opposite shifts you can invite me home for a few minutes if that works. So honestly I don't think finding time should be an issue given all that. Right now it's been about 2.5 weeks since we last had sex. I get to the point where a part of me doesn't really want it because I feel like if she really wanted to have sex with me it wouldn't have taken two weeks and that the sex is more because too keep me quiet. I feel like yelling and getting angry or at least talking to her again but then I feel like there's no point and the end result will probably be having sex once in a couple days because I was upset. Anyway clearly this is driving me crazy, any advice?

[HeartIsAching]

Yes - don't marry her. Break up. Her low libido and your high libido WON'T CHANGE. You're getting angry over a fact of biology, and it's going to lead to frustration and resentment on both sides. Whether you break up now, or 10 years down the road, it doesn't matter, it'll be the same end result... and if you marry her you'll have wasted those years.

[smackie9]

A women's libido comes from her mind and not from her vagina. If there isn't much in the romance dept, then a woman becomes disconnected. When was the last time you surprised her with flowers or wrote a love letter or taken her out dancing? How about showing affection outside of the bedroom, like holding hands in public. When you get pushy, demand more, the walls of resentment go up. The way to a woman's vagina, is romance, and letting her know that all she does (cooking, cleaning,shopping, etc) is appreciated. Just because you put a ring on her finger doesn't mean your job is done.

[basilandthyme]

I agree with Heart Is Aching. If things are looking this bad before you marry, imagine what it will be like AFTER you marry - let alone have kids.

This is an indication of how your future will look, you'd be crazy to not take heed of the warning.

[michelle23]

Was your sex life with her ever good? If yes, for how long? Did she all of a sudden just go off sex or has it always been like this?

If it was good for the first 2 years-then it may mean she is unhappy. Maybe she doesn't get enough affection or attention from you and thinks your only nice to her when you want something? Maybe you need to get out more together? Have fun? Laugh together? Stop talking about sex for awhile and just give her loads of attention and hope she'll starts to initiate it again? You could plan a romantic evening and make her feel special.

It could also be a hormonal problem. Has she been on birth control for awhile? That can kill a woman's sex drive over time. Maybe she could come off it for 6 months and use condoms and then go back on it again. The break in between really boosts the sex drive for another year or so..

Does she orgasm each time you have sex? If not, that is the problem. You need to communicate with each other and figure out what she likes. If she cannot communicate with you-you could try sex therapy.

You could also try relationship counselling.

You are engaged so your obviously crazy about her. I don't think giving up without a fight is the answer. If the issues can be resolved then you should do whatever it takes to fix it.

Has she ever given you a reason why she went off sex? Does she ever nag you? You should listen to what she says when she nags. It may sound like shes just bitching but she probably really means whatever it is shes saying and the answer could be right in front of you.

If sex has always been an issue-it means you are not sexually compatible and in that case-it may be a good idea to end things now.

[michelle23]

Also do you have enough foreplay? like oral sex? Most women need sufficient foreplay to orgasm. Many women cant orgasm during intercourse so you have to do it before or after sex. The more she enjoys it-the more youll get

[Wakeup]

Totally listen to Smackie on this one OP. Foreplay starts outside the bedroom and if you're not pursuing her, dating her and treating her generally like you did when you first started to date, then she's not going to just get excited like you can. Instead of you expecting or wanting her to call you home from the job to come service her, how about you arrange a surprise where she meets you for dinner and a night at a hotel. After that how about doing somethings together that are outside the home like: going for a bike ride, joining a gym together, taking a dance class as a couple, do a wine tasting class and a winery tour. There are thousands of things you can do together (other then sit on the couch all night ignoring one another and then expecting her to be wet for you when you go to bed).

It sucks that you have to be the one that plans romance... but, unfortunately that is the way of most female libidos. Always was, always will be. Engage her mind and her body will follow.

P.S. Stop talking about it and making her feel guilty about it. Do something to change her non-sexual response to you. If you don't, no matter who you are with, as time goes on the same thing will happen to you.

[Boisdevie]

So it's all his fault then? Perhaps she's just a frigid bitch?

[Wakeup]

Perhaps she is. But if she was always a figid bitch, then why has he stayed with her for so long. If she's just become a frigid bitch and he can't be bothered helping her to become thawed out, well then ...

[smackie9]

Maybe she's having an emotional affair, maybe she is having second thoughts about getting married, maybe she is gay and hiding it by having a heterosexual relationship, maybe she's hope he will pull the plug on the marriage, maybe she sufferes from depression, maybe she was sexually molested or raped and never told anyone......it could be a million things. The only way to figure what's going on is for him to sit down with her and talk this out.

[michelle23]

Nobody said it was his fault. Most relationships have dry patches or issues that come up that can affect sex. The point were trying to make is there is nearly always a solution and if u work as a team to try and fix whatever is wrong-it can get better.

Im guessing sex hasnt always been an issue in this relationship coz y wud he propose if he was unhappy?

[FlaCooln]

I think it is a case of high libido vs. low libido....assuming you don't suck in bed (sorry, had to be blunt).

I had that a bit with my exGF. She was good with around once a week (sometimes twice). I wanted it more like once a day or a few times a week at least. It was never an issue of foreplay for her. Because I am very into foreplay, showed a good amount of affection, and did all the right stuff to get her in the mood (making a nice romatic dinner, wine, flowers, massage, etc). When we did have sex it was great for both of us. She was actually the 1st GF that I had ever had where the sex was lacking, all the others it was a non issue and I was very happy with the sex life. My ex used to say I was too horny...lol. She was a bit selfish though. I remember on my last birthday that I spent with her we went out partying with our friends and I got a bit tipsy (was feeling real nice, not too drunk). When we got home she said it was too late, that I was drunk, and she was tired. Now that was a frigid bitch...would not give me sex on my birthday!? and inebriated sex is great too.

Sometimes people just don't have matching libidos.

[michelle23]

ya I agree that it may be a mismatched libido and if it is-you are not sexually compatible but we have also given a whole list of other things that it may be so have a think about it-see if there is anything you can do to try and fix it or walk away

[Wakeup]

I think it is a case of high libido vs. low libido....assuming you don't suck in bed (sorry, had to be blunt).

I had that a bit with my exGF. She was good with around once a week (sometimes twice). I wanted it more like once a day or a few times a week at least. It was never an issue of foreplay for her. Because I am very into foreplay, showed a good amount of affection, and did all the right stuff to get her in the mood (making a nice romatic dinner, wine, flowers, massage, etc). When we did have sex it was great for both of us. She was actually the 1st GF that I had ever had where the sex was lacking, all the others it was a non issue and I was very happy with the sex life. My ex used to say I was too horny...lol. She was a bit selfish though. I remember on my last birthday that I spent with her we went out partying with our friends and I got a bit tipsy (was feeling real nice, not too drunk). When we got home she said it was too late, that I was drunk, and she was tired. Now that was a frigid bitch...would not give me sex on my birthday!? and inebriated sex is great too.

Sometimes people just don't have matching libidos.

I think it's pretty obvious that they have mismatched libidos however; if their libidos matched in the beginning, then they can match up again. If their libidos never matched, then he knew what he was signing up for.

[HeartIsAching]

I think it's pretty obvious that they have mismatched libidos however; if their libidos matched in the beginning, then they can match up again. If their libidos never matched, then he knew what he was signing up for.

Not necessarily - a lot of women will do that to "get" the guy and then stop as soon as she has. My ex did that. The day we moved in together I found out she actually didn't like her tits played with and the sex went from 3-4 times a week to once every couple of weeks at best. We're talking abrupt change here.