Is my girlfriend's behavior considered acceptable?

[Synnuh]

I've tried figuring this out on my own, but end up feeling in turmoil over the whole situation. My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years, and have a 5 year old child together. The relationship started off with us working together, then we partied together for a little while, and then became committed to each other. There have been good times and bad, with her being very insecure and jealous in the beginning, but I'm a very patient person, and have worked through my own faults while letting her deal with hers.

The situation that I am concerned about, though, is her behavior when we are out in public or having drinks at a bar. She loves to dance, and I do not fault her for that. The problem I have is that she dances very sexually, popping her a** to the floor, and just generally acting like she is at a strip club. The last time we went out, the band that was playing actually said that they need to install a stripper pole, and were making lewd remarks about her while I was in the bathroom. She did this in the beginning of our relationship, and because it was so fresh to both of us, I didn't have many issues. Now, after 6 years, though, I am seeing it as a problem and want to know if I am in the wrong or if her behavior is unacceptable. I try not to pay attention to her doing it while we are out, instead focusing on shooting pool or talking with friends, but it still bothers me that she does it in front of a bunch of people, yet won't do it for me in the bedroom.

This problem has come up before when we were at a party, and some guys were around that I knew were into her. She spoke to a friend on the phone, while talking outside away from everybody I overheard her ask "are the guys coming too?" and then when they got there she started dancing like this. When I told her I was ready to go home (drunk, at 2am, and not wanting to deal with some buffoons oogling over my girlfriend) she started to throw a fit, and cried outside in the truck saying that she couldn't do this anymore if this was how I was going to be. I don't know if I was being insecure and controlling, or setting boundaries for stuff that I didn't want to deal with. On one hand I think it is incredibly effed up that she was worried whether or not these guys were going to be there, and then knowing that she was wanting to dance in front of them, but on the other hand I tell myself it doesn't matter -- she's coming home with me, and I'd go alpha on their a** if they took it to that level.

I do not want to control her, but at the same time I feel like she is fueling her self esteem off of other men staring at her and thinking sexual thoughts and that bothers me -- almost makes me feel inadequate, that I can't provide what she's missing.

She likes to wear skin tight yoga pants everywhere we go, and it actually makes me uncomfortable being seen with her. I get stared at by the guys as much as she does, and I feel like, again, the only reason she does it is because she feels so lousy about herself that the only way she can fuel her self esteem is by having other guys staring at her with desire.

Please help me with some advice or something. I love this girl, she is a good mom to our daughter, a good friend to me, but when it comes to the relationship and intimacy I feel like there are things that get in the way, this being one of them.

Is this something I should just get over and let her be her, and accept the behavior? Or am I right in feeling like there is something wrong with this, and I shouldn't have to deal with it?

How do I go about approaching this situation without seeming like a little b**** and still keep both of our dignities in tact?

[HeartIsAching]

It does sound as if she's insecure, and gets her jollies by being provocative - does she ever go beyond that?

It's not controlling to set a boundary - and it sounds to me as if you've got a fairly reasonable boundary... it is controlling if you attempt to enforce that boundary with coercion and threats. If she violates the boundary, then you've got a decision to make - do you accept the boundary limit she sets, or do you break up?

The yoga pants things seems a bit insecure of you. So what if other guys find her attractive? Personally, I love it when I see other guys check out my wife. Makes me go "Heheheh... I got her and you don't."

[Synnuh]

Thanks for the response. She never dances directly with other guys, so no she hasn't ever gone beyond that. She has given lap dances to some of her female friends while we've been partying, but we've both got a good understanding that a threesome couldn't and wouldn't happen. Neither of us are too fond about sharing.

I've tried to think about how to approach it, without making her feel like I am being controlling. I get that she wants to feel attractive to the opposite sex, hell, I do too. It's the borderline strip dancing in front of other dudes that bothers me, and something that I do not want to have to constantly deal with the rest of my life. I still don't know at this point if it is something I'm being a b**** about or something that I could stand leaving over. When I think about it, the only thought that comes to my mind is when my daughter asks one day why me and her mom aren't together and all I can say is "your mom danced too dirty for me" you know what I mean? She doesn't, and won't do it when it's just me and her, but when other dudes are around it's like she turns it on thick.

I can see what you're saying about me being insecure with her in skin tight clothes. I, too, love it when a guy looks at her, and then looks at me. The part that bothers me is knowing that we don't have sex nearly as often, or as good as we used to, and that I feel like she is doing it because she's insecure about herself, and can only feel good when other guys stare at her. If she was confident in herself, and wore them because they were comfortable, I don't think I would have near the issue with it. I think I can put my big boy draws on and deal with that.

[HeartIsAching]

Try using an "I Statement".

http://www.compassioncoach.com/how_and_when_to_use_i_statements

[JoeyJR]

I've dealt with girls that love attention. I've noticed that most of them are horribly insecure, have low self-esteem,
and need constant reassurance that they're desirable(even if they have a bf or are married).
They ussualy run their lives off their ego,
and won't stop until everyone desires them. Their ego just gets bigger and bigger -
as they keep looking for sympathy, compliments, interest, etc.

Yeah it's no different than the chicks doing their psuedo-lesbian dance at
the club and guys standing there drooling over it.

I used to hate AWs. I mean I still do, but i look at it on the bright side...
They keep some of the excess sausage occupied. LOL

on another note!
dude dont sweat if she just wants attention.. but tell her that the dancing sh!t makes you feel a bit unconfortable
some woman will always crave male attention, its like ecstacy to them, its a high feeling when there
getting it, its POWER to them.

the spandex yoga pants. i wouldnt even worry about that.

[michelle23]

This could be just a drunk thing. A friend of mine when shes drunk dances very like that but I think its just coz shes drunk and the drink just makes her think "Im hot" haha! Even though she kinda looks a bit ridiculous when she does it but nobody really cares or takes any notice.

If you really think she craves attention or validation from other men-I recommend you get couples counselling as this is a red flag. You need to know you can always trust her and if she is attention seeking due to insecurity-one day that could turn into cheating

[searock]

So what if she likes feeling admired? It makes her feel sexier and more secure, without taking anything from you... I think you have nothing to worry about. If anything, your own self-esteem should benefit from it - the woman everyone is drooling at is *your* girlfriend :-).

[Synnuh]

This could be just a drunk thing. A friend of mine when shes drunk dances very like that but I think its just coz shes drunk and the drink just makes her think "Im hot" haha! Even though she kinda looks a bit ridiculous when she does it but nobody really cares or takes any notice.

If you really think she craves attention or validation from other men-I recommend you get couples counselling as this is a red flag. You need to know you can always trust her and if she is attention seeking due to insecurity-one day that could turn into cheating

I've told myself before that she only does it because she is drunk. We've never had problems with her flirting with other dudes, hiding talking to them, or just generally being a ho. I think she craves the indirect attention from them, just knowing that they want her and are staring at her has been enough, and she's never taken it further. When dudes try to dance with her she is always quick to tell them she's with someone.

I think my problem comes from the fact that she feels the need for their attention to build her self esteem, and then the situations that it puts me in when guys think they can just move in. I can't dance to save my soul, and only get out there when I'm drunk to give her some laughs before the night's over with. I don't care how I look and she seems to enjoy me making an ass out of myself.

So what if she likes feeling admired? It makes her feel sexier and more secure, without taking anything from you... I think you have nothing to worry about. If anything, your own self-esteem should benefit from it - the woman everyone is drooling at is *your* girlfriend :-).

That's one thing I have always taken pride in. Sometimes when I don't feel the greatest about myself I'd just rather not have to deal with competing with other guys, but the majority of the time it doesn't bother me. She's done it since before we got together. I wasn't in the mood to deal with other dudes the last time we went out, which is what got me thinking about the whole ordeal.

Thanks for the advice ya'll. I am just going to leave it be, there are a lot bigger worries in life than where she builds her self esteem, I guess. She has been a great girlfriend up to this point, she's a good mom, great in bed, fun to be around, supportive, physically attractive -- I'll back off of how she dances.