Ending a 3 year relationship (opinions needed)

[MechEng09]

Hello Guys(sorry for the long post).

I've been reading a lot online about certain situations but I somehow felt that I needed someone else's opinion on my situation. Please bare with me.
So I was happily in a relationship for over 3 years with this girl that I met in college. Everything was great for the most part, we had a few arguments here and there during that time span but nothing too serious. The feeling was mutual, we had lots of fun together, blah blah blah you get the point I think.
Obviously after some period of time the honey moon stage wore off. During this time we only saw each other during the weekends due to work and not living together. We both had a mutual understanding that this period was over but we were confident that we could gain some of it back once we got a place together. We still enjoyed each others company a lot and we were planning a future together.

Anyways, back in November we both encouraged each other to go out more often with our friends and co-workers. We wanted to have a life outside of our relationship. Right away after a few weekends, I noticed that she wanted to go out more often (with her friends). She was doing it once to two times a week. I started to get worried a bit just because in my current stage I had done my partying while I was younger and was quite tired of that setting.
During that time I noticed that she was talking to/and about this co-worker of hers (a guy) quite a bit. I didn't want to put too much attention to it because 1. I didn't want to be that guy (the jealous bf) and 2. I had 100% trust in her.
We also had established that if someone did anything stupid (like cheating/fooling around) it would be the end of the relationship. So some ground rules were set at least in my part.

A few more months passed by and we forward to January of this year and one day while at my place I see that she is secretly texting this guy (the co-worker). When I mean secretly I meant she was hiding the phone while texting but I was able to catch a glance of the name so I knew who it was. Again not trying to act on my instant feelings I try to constraint myself but I couldn't. I literally told her why she was being so secretive, that it was suspicious. I told her with a straight face that if she did something stupid with this guy I would leave without hesitating. She cried and told me that she would never do anything blah blah blah.
During this whole period she kept going out here and there. Nothing too excessive I think, but I always had a hunch that she wanted to explore the feeling of "its greener on the other side" type of deal.
Now about 2 months ago in early February, she told me she was going to her girlfriends house at night, we can named her Becky for now. Now I knew she hanged out with Becky quite a bit, mostly like eating after work , going to the mall. This Becky girl had a bf and kids. So when she told me she was hanging out with her I had absolutely nos suspicion at all. Now like I mentioned before I had 100% trust, never really asked many questions. Later that night we talked, said good night while she was driving to her friends house.
I get a facebook message at 2am saying that shes home. I worked a 9-5 job so we usually do that whenever we go out and the other person stays in. This was on a weekday.

The next day we say good morning to each other. I sent her a few cheesy text messages before she goes to work but then she tells me she's not going because she's not feeling well. Then I get the infamous text of "I have to talk to you" after one my cheesy text messages LOL.
I tried asking why, she doesn't want to tell me through the phone, only in person.
From that moment on I knew it was something serious.
She did something stupid or that she wanted to break up. This was around 1pm and the anxiety for the next few hours was killing me.
So we meet at my house, she pretty much straight up told me that the night before she wasn't at her friend's house. That she was with a guy (the co-worker) and that they kissed. She was sobbing, crying telling me how sorry she was, the whole nine yards. The funny part is that I was prepared to hear something of that nature, so it wasn't as shocking as it should be.
She begged me to not break up with her, I told her that it was over without going into too much details of what actually happened the night before. She then proceeded to tell me that he tried taking it farther but she declined.
The way I saw it was, who spends 4 hours at another guy's house and only kiss? The way I see it they had full blown make out session for more than a few hours. The thought of that image killed me for a quite a bit.
I told her that I wanted to take a few months to think and that we'll talk one day.

Now forward to today. It has been almost 2 months of no contact. I mean none. She tried texting during valentines but I ignored it. I have tried to get back in touch with my old friends, go out, be more social, find hobbies, etc. All with the intention of moving forward in a positive way. After the last time I talked to her I have pretty much known that it'll be a 99.9% chance of me not taking her back. But somehow I feel that I might have been exaggerating in the way I completely wanted to end things.
I still have feelings for this girl and have been thinking about the situation every day since it happened. One day I feel anger and resent. Other days I have tried to find a good reason to go back but so far nothing has made me call her again. I was heart broken and felt betrayed.

This is where predicament comes though.
During my relationship I have had moments where I have not been a good boyfriend.
1. During our initial months of dating, she caught me texting a friend about how I wanted to get another girl's number and how nice her butt was.
2. I behave like guy with my other guy friends.
3. I have gone out a few times with friends and have danced with girls while she was at home. (She didn't approve of me dancing with other girls).
4. I have gone to strip joints multiple times and have done more than just looking during private sessions (not all the way by the way).

At the same time, I am in my mid 20's I feel like I need to enjoy life a little more. It sounds selfish but that's how I feel. I can take this chance and "re-invent" myself and see what else its out there. I really have feelings for this girl but at the same time I know it won't be the same and it will take lots to make it work again. Especially when it comes to trust, I don't want to be in a relationship where I am thinking about where or who she's with. I don't want to be in that situation.

Do you guys think I'm exaggerating or would you give her a second chance? I know every mind and situation is different but please let me know your thoughts. I wanted to vent out and get some opinions.
Sorry for the long post and bad grammar in some occasions.

Thanks!!

[michelle23]

Okay i was really feeling sorry for you till i realized u have double standards and are a narcissistic bastard. Strip clubs, more than looking? That means cheating right? And i thought ud set clear boundaries.. Whatever!

I think from the start u both new this wasnt gonna last forever, 3years together and u made more time for everyone else then for each other and u have been up to no good plenty of times. U think its ok for u to do it but not her? Again double standards. Y wud u wana go to strip clubs? Do u see women as sex objects?

I dont think u really loved ur girl-if u did u wudnt have tried to get some other girls number, go to strip clubs, get private dances and seek attention from other girls on a night out. I think what she did "kissing another guy once" is nothing compared to what u have done.

Maybe she just realized what a shady prick u are and thought the other bloke would treat her better.

[basilandthyme]

Does she know about the things you've done which make you 'not a good boyfriend'?

[michelle23]

"need to enjoy life a little more"i presume u mean bang some random hos before settling down. Ur obviously insecure if u think u need to sleep around to feel like more of a man. Go stroke that fragile ego of yours.

Go get tested for stis and tell ur ex to as well. U may have caught something from the prostitute when u were cheating on her.

I hate men like u with ur double standards. I hope it falls off

[smackie9]

Karma is a bitch huh. What makes you think you deserve her back? You were never 100% committed to her. This is the thing about commitment....you don't explore your options, or "live" a little. You betrayed her. You want to play around, do it when you are single. This relationship already was a fail....just let it go. You still need some growing up to do obviously. Her escaping this sham of a relationship was the best thing for her.

[MechEng09]

Okay i was really feeling sorry for you till i realized u have double standards and are a narcissistic bastard. Strip clubs, more than looking? That means cheating right? And i thought ud set clear boundaries.. Whatever!

I think from the start u both new this wasnt gonna last forever, 3years together and u made more time for everyone else then for each other and u have been up to no good plenty of times. U think its ok for u to do it but not her? Again double standards. Y wud u wana go to strip clubs? Do u see women as sex objects?

I dont think u really loved ur girl-if u did u wudnt have tried to get some other girls number, go to strip clubs, get private dances and seek attention from other girls on a night out. I think what she did "kissing another guy once" is nothing compared to what u have done.

Maybe she just realized what a shady prick u are and thought the other bloke would treat her better.

Michelle,

Your honesty is appreciated.
To be honest I am aware of the things I have done.
I do not considered them ok by any means. That is one of the reasons I am here for, to seek honest opinions and to re-enforced the idea that I am being narcissist in a way. I am not sure if I was clouding my thoughts by thinking that what I have done is nothing compared to what other guys have done. But again that is probably the wrong way of thinking. Thank you for your opinion.

Does she know about the things you've done which make you 'not a good boyfriend'?

I mentioned to her about the strip clubs and she found out about the texting.

"need to enjoy life a little more"i presume u mean bang some random hos before settling down. Ur obviously insecure if u think u need to sleep around to feel like more of a man. Go stroke that fragile ego of yours.

Go get tested for stis and tell ur ex to as well. U may have caught something from the prostitute when u were cheating on her.

I hate men like u with ur double standards. I hope it falls off

I did not sleep with a prostitute, but I do agree to your point of perhaps having double standards. Not proud of it let me tell you. But point taken and appreciate the honesty again.

[michelle23]

U prob got a bj off her or a wank which is cheating. Id also consider a lapdance cheating btw. If u think ur a saint by comparing urself to other men who treat women badly-that is delusional.

U need to treat ur gf the same way u expect her to treat u and i think u no deep down that ur behaviour is not cool!

Men and women are equal-remember that. Being a man does not give u the right to treat her like a doormat. A real man has integrity and doesnt take everything he has for granted.

You have a lot of growing uo to do and i recommend u find new friends. People who have self respect and respect for women if u wana change and stay away from strip clubs. Places like that are for desperate old men who havnt had sex for 20years!

[MechEng09]

Karma is a bitch huh. What makes you think you deserve her back? You were never 100% committed to her. This is the thing about commitment....you don't explore your options, or "live" a little. You betrayed her. You want to play around, do it when you are single. This relationship already was a fail....just let it go. You still need some growing up to do obviously. Her escaping this sham of a relationship was the best thing for her.

Honestly appreciated as well.
I guess these few responses are really giving me a different perspective.
I didn't think I would stirred these type of responses. Points well taken.

Thanks

[smackie9]

The disturbing thing is, you felt self entitled to be able to have another woman rub her naked breasts on you and rub your crotch for the sake of some fun. What your GF doesn't know won't hurt her attitude. When in a relationship people have expectations, and one of them would be no sexual contact of any kind with another person, don't you think? That would be stepping over the line, and your (ex) GF knew that, that's why she confessed immediately. That's why you have everyone on her side, she knew she did something that was against the trust and expectations of your relationship and was able to come forward with what she did....you on the other hand don't see anything wrong in what you did at the time.

Now what do you do? Reassess what your relationship was about. If you want to try again, you need to let her know about all the things you did, forgive her for what she did, and maybe with all this honesty, you both can rebuild, and have a totally different approach to how you both treat each other. Rebuilding trust, respect and communication is key.....and of course change your attitude and be truly committed to her and this relationship.

[michelle23]

Very well said Smackie. I think hes hopeless though. People with that narcissistic attitude rarely ever change. I don't think he ever loved her. If he did he wouldn't have broken his own rules.. Oh wait, its one rule for her and another for him right? Well men like that don't deserve to be in a relationship. It really makes me angry.

OP you need to grow up.

[Chip123]

For a start people are being compete,y unhelpful and aggressive here. The guy has asked for help, not to be condemned. S try and be a bit more constructive. I completely understand and respect everyone's point, but he's asking for help, not damnation.

Look mate, yes you have kinda had Double standards, many people see strip clubs/prostitution as. Okay because there's usually no connection or feelings involved. The fact is you need to come clean with her too if you do make another go of it. Lay all the cards out.

Is there a reason you visited places? Maybe a lack of affection of sexual contact in the relationship? Becaus your reasons for doing those things may be exactly the same as her reason for doing what she did.

My ex cheated on me after 4 years, she was my world and it killed me. I wanted her back bu held off. 4 years later she dropped out of uni and got pregnant too young. I'm doing a PHD and enjoying life. The tables turned.

In all honesty I'd say leave it, both move on. It'll hurt but in the long run it sounds like it will be for the best.

[michelle23]

U obviously have double standards just like him then.. Just coz theres no feelings or emotions involved-does not make it okay.

And if your unhappy or theres something missing-you either get relationship counselling or leave-cheating should never be an option.

And i dont no how anyone could think paying for sex is okay.

[michelle23]

He asked for advice ya and were telling him he needs to change. Thats the best advice hell ever get. It may be harsh or blunt but he needs a reality check. Men and women are equal. Come back down to earth and treat women with the respect we have earned. Is that so much to ask